z

Young Writers Society


Because I Promised



User avatar
51 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 836
Reviews: 51
Tue Jul 26, 2011 12:41 am
azntwinz2 says...



Please leave a comment! It's long, I know. But it's worth your time.

Flash.
The light burned, whether her eyes were closed or not. Every centimeter of her skin screamed in pain, as though a million needles repeatedly drilled holes into her flesh. She wriggled on her back, flexing her muscles sore as the cries she expelled resounded in silence.
As sudden as it had come, the pain withered away, leaving her raw with relief. And then she heard the trickle of a chortling stream, followed instantly by a pleasant wind that tickled her nude self in its own playful way. The grass underneath brushed her lovingly as it evoked a relaxed sigh from her lips. Peering around, she registered the continuous mounds of verdant hills and vegetated plains that led to dark, proud mountains standing in a row (as straight as nature could allow), and the stream she had heard before only a few feet away from her.
She stood unsteadily, her toes plunging into soft, sweet mud and the grasses around her scurried with wild life busily making ends meet. It was only when she got close enough that she saw him. He was dressed in a straw hat, and his clothes were the crusty, cotton kind that only people long ago used to wear. The man fished languidly, occasionally pulling a plump worm out of thin air and tossing it into the stream below. She noted it was a stream unlike any other, for it was as clear as glass and the fishes were so beautiful that they sparkled a brilliant violet and orange color.
She could not help herself as she knelt next to the man and leaned her face so close that she could smell the river’s fresh, wonderful scent. UP jumped a merry one, its whiskers so long and magnificent, and she realized with pleasure that its eyes were doe shaped and framed with long, thick eyelashes - just like her very own! With a quick wink, it planted a wet peck on her pink lips before escaping the fisherman’s hook with a flick of its fins, and dived once more to be seen never again.
She was about to plead the man to please not capture and gut such terribly pretty creatures when she jerked back in shock.
“Dad!” She cried, for indeed the fisherman was the very splitting image of her father.
“Soo Young,” he laughed, his smile the one she remembered from her childhood. His chin would wobble up and down as his cheeks pulled his lips tightly to both ends, and his eyes would crinkle so much that they became a kind, single line.
“But how are you here?” Soo Young looked at him in amazement, then focused on his legs that were strong and healthy.
“Well, look around you. The question is how are you here?” His mirth was contagious and she soon forgot all the silly questions about reality she had been meant to ask. Their conversation leaped into more diverting topics that they had missed for the past years.
“But really, where is this place?” Soo Young asked wonderingly, petting the grass around her.
“It’s my hometown. I always wanted to show you this place,” he replied. “And so I finally have. Even if through this way.” Suddenly he rose, and extended a hand to her. “Come, let’s go.”
“Go where?” Soo Young asked as she accepted his hand.
“To the theme park, of course.” She struggled to keep his step, because the air was a little more heavier than she was used to.
“Theme park? Why?”
“Because I promised. For your eighth birthday.” He turned around and smiled reassuringly at her.
“Huh? But I’m not even eight anymore, I’m twenty-seven,” she exclaimed. Soo Young tried very hard to remember life before her father’s accident.
“What do you mean you’re not eight? Look,” he said. And she did, very surprised to find that her father had grown taller and her skin, arms, and legs resembled those of a child.
She laughed at the nonsense that she was not eight, for she felt, and thought, and skipped around like an eight year old. She swung hands with her father, racing toward the huge merry-go-round.
They were no longer in the countryside for the grass had solidified to cement and the mountains had transformed into monstrous roller-coasters.
“Soo Young, what would you like to do first?” In response, she pointed eagerly at the merry-go-round. Instead of poles and plastic, the unicorns on this ride were real and they snorted eagerly into her hand. She giggled uncontrollably as she parted their curly snow manes with her tiny fingers.
“Up you go,” her father grunted as he propped her on top of one.
And then the wheel turned round and round as the unicorns clomped their hooves in excitement. The rest was a blur of colors and sparkles but her father’s face always remained clear and she put an arm on his shoulder to steady not herself, but him.
Slowly the wheel came to a stop and she waved good-bye to the unicorns who just swished their tail in return.
“Now what do you want to do?” He asked her kindly, and she looked up to smile. He laughed at her missing teeth, and then turned away to wipe his eyes. She quickly searched her brain for an idea.
“Let’s go to the zoo,” she said quickly, eager to pull her father out of his incomprehensible misery.
The Zoo was exactly how she would have imagined it. The animals managed the tricky balance of being both docile and fierce. It happened when she was staring at the lion. He was behind a gigantic cage, and the entrance was locked with a shimmering padlock with a keyhole in the center. The fur around his strong boned face stood up in all directions and his eyes held hers in a locked gaze. She found herself too dizzy to continue that she submitted and looked away. But before she could follow her father, who had already moved onto the giraffes, the lion’s gravelly voice paralyzed her.
“What is your name, child?”
“Soo-soo Young,” she replied hesitantly. She would have followed up by asking for his, but upon her instinct that such actions would be rude, she kept quiet politely.
“Look at me, child. Look at this proud creature sitting lazily in the shadows. Look at my broad forehead and fur coat, all glossed up like a trophy. I was meant to be King of the Beasts, but now I am King of the Cage. What do you say about this TRAGEDY?” His questions made Soo Young strangely uncomfortable, for his compelling manner made her ashamed to be a human.
“I’m not sure I have any say. I’m just a child, I’m not old enough to decide what’s wrong or right,” she stammered in her defense.
“We are always old enough to know what is wrong or right. And often, it is only when we are young that we can be more honest. Answer me, child,” he commanded. Before she knew it, his impressive face was right next to the bars and his warm breath dampened her hair.
“Well, I guess that you shouldn’t be here. It’s not right to lock you up,” she replied.
“And because you have said so, release me now,” he growled, and his wet nose pushed against the iron bars.
“But I can’t, I don’t have a key.”
“Your father is the KEY.” She looked over at her father who had walked back. His expression was sad as he wordlessly extended his hand through the giant padlock. It shined vibrantly before clunking open. The lion pushed the door outwards, and prowled royally past them. He did not turn around, nor did he thank her.
“But father, why are you sad?” Soo Young asked.
“I am not,” he replied, but once more he turned his head away to wipe a tear.
“Come father, let’s go sit down.” Out of nowhere, a wooden bench grew up from the ground and she led her father to it.
With surprise, she realized that she had grown once more, this time to that of a teenager, and her hair had elongated as had her height. She also had noticable lumps in her chest region and hair underneath her armpits.
“Father, why did you cry twice?” Soo Young took his hand and gripped it tightly. She felt it urgent that she understand.
“The first time I cried because you were as cute as when I left you on your eighth birthday. The second time, I cried because you had grown up sensibly and mature. You made me proud and ashamed of myself.” He hung his head, alone in his own silent thoughts.
“Where did you go that day? I remember waiting with Mommy on our doorstep, looking out at the curved street.”
“I’d gone to work. I was in my car, driving. In my craze to succeed, my desire to find my fortune in a new country, I had forgotten my promise to you. I let the demons of selfish greed consume me, so much that family had become a burden and money my king. And then, at the last turn, I remembered. Somehow I knew it would be a REGRET I could never live with, so I made a reckless U-Turn,” he stopped suddenly, gasping for breath, and his spittle flew across in an arc.
“And that’s how you ended up in the hospital, in that deep sleep,” she finished, and then instead of helping her father, she rose to walk along the stream that had returned once more. They were back in his hometown, and her father continued to hack his lungs out.
She ignored him, and knelt slowly down on the grassy river banks.
After a while, he quieted, and in his palms held a black cloud.
“Is it out now?” She asked kindly. He nodded.
“Then, let’s get rid of it together.” They joined their hands and cupped it carefully. Simultaneously, they blew it away softly and it caught upon the wind and vanished.
“Don’t regret anything anymore,” Soo Young said, her calm face had matured once more, and she was back to being twenty-seven years old.
Her father nodded, but from his eyes spilled a final, sparkling tear.
Behind him, a brilliant, shining vortex grew larger and larger until it was approximately the size of her father. He looked desperately behind him, and his eyes hardened with fear. An intoxicating glint made them crimson, and he grabbed Soo Young’s arms painfully.
“Come, come with me!” He shouted violently, but she held her ground. Her feet dug deeper into the soft, pliant dirt, but now, she was embedded knee-deep. It seemed that the earth was determined to help her.
“We must hurry,” he urged angrily. But now her father was no longer recognizable, as every part of his body began to melt into a sticky, red pus that congealed into clumps. The clouds above began to pour heavily and the ground slowly filled with crimson water. The goldfish had expanded enormously to the size that its fins were as large as Soo Young herself. It seemed as though it was absorbing the water. Then, it exploded into a million bubbles that only added to the rising tide.
Just as she was about to lose her hold, an unexpected clap of thunder shook the air. She gasped, and then all was silent and all had disappeared.
Soo Young found herself back to where it had all started, but this time, the pain was not hers but her father’s. He lay choking on the impeccably white floor. In his last struggle, he spit out a red blob that hissed as soon as it hit the ground and then dissolved.
“I only ever wanted you to be happy. I loved you ever since I first heard your heart beat in that blinking monitor. I only wanted to be the best father,” he cried brokenly, and his shoulders shook violently.
“I know. But that’s greed. And it’s gone now. Go in peace, Father,” she stated, helping him to rise unsteadily.
“Forgive me, for always disappointing you, both before and after the crash.”
“There was nothing ever to forgive.”
He embraced her, his arms shaking with restraint and then climbed back into the vortex which consumed him. It grew tiny and tinier until it was the size of a needle and then blinked out with a small pop.
Soo Young surfaced from her drenched bedsheets and gripped the phone even before it rang.
“Your father,” the voice said listlessly. And then as though erupting, the sobs rolled over and over into Soo Young’s ear.
“Shh, Mom. He went to a better place. He’s all better now.”
THE END
Last edited by azntwinz2 on Sun Jul 31, 2011 3:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Please make sure to check out my portfolio! Any comments are immensely desired!
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 300
Reviews: 0
Tue Jul 26, 2011 1:39 am
Casidyliddell says...



I see a large use of Dramatic Irony in your story,
Very good use of metaphors and similes.
I love how you show a sense of darkness in your writing,
but its just enough to were its not to strong.
  





User avatar



Gender: None specified
Points: 1040
Reviews: 3
Tue Jul 26, 2011 3:01 am
GummyWorm says...



Wow, I have to say, this piece really hit me. Your writing really did justice to the surrealism of the dream and it reminded me a of a fairy tale (and I mean that in a good way). I was a bit confused with what was going on at the beginning but you gradually unveil everything as the story goes on. Fantastic imagery. The ending was powerful and tied it all up very well. Overall, great job :D

My only real nitpick would have to be with the part with the lion. I'm having a little trouble understanding what's it's purpose in the grand scheme of the story. Maybe you could provide a little more clarification there?

Keep Writing!

Love and chocolate syrup,

GummyWorm
"The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to discern whether or not they are genuine." ~Abraham Lincoln
  





User avatar
272 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 10554
Reviews: 272
Sun Jul 31, 2011 9:54 pm
beckiw says...



Hey azntwinz2 :)

She wriggled on her back, flexing her muscles sore as the cries she expelled resounded in silence. - I think this sentence is a little awkward word wise and could probably do with some rephrasing. I had to read it a couple of times to get it straight in my head. I think the things that bothers me most is the 'flexing her muscles sore' part. It's not something I can really imagine and seems a weird way of phrasing what you want to say.

chortling stream - again this seems a little odd. I just get images of a stream laughing...I think 'a trickle of a stream' would be perfectly fine.

Peering around, she registered the continuous mounds of verdant hills and vegetated plains that led to dark, proud mountains standing in a row (as straight as nature could allow), and the stream she had heard before only a few feet away from her. - This is a pretty long sentence with a lot of elements. Perhaps think about slimming it down or splitting it up. I think mainly it's just the stream part. It's sort of tagged on the end and telling us something we already knew. We know the stream must be near her because she can hear it.

then focused on his legs that were strong and healthy. - This would probably be better if it was phrased like 'then focused on his strong, healthy legs' Then it's less awkward.

She quickly searched her brain for an idea. - maybe mind would be a better word than brain as brain conjures a weird image.

and her hair had elongated as had her height. - Again to me elongated is a weird word choice. I think grown might work here or lengthened

So that's the nit-picky bit done!

My overwhelming feeling from this piece is just that you appeared to be trying to use kind of flowery or big words throughout (which is fair enough, it's good to use your vocabulary) but sometimes they just weren't needed or they were kind of the wrong word to use in the context of the sentence and conjured weird images for me. I know it may be tempting to use somewhat flowery words to make the work more impacting but sometimes I think there is nothing wrong with using simpler words so just be careful with that.

Also sometimes your phrasing is a little awkward. I would suggest just reading things out loud and if they are difficult to say then they are probably difficult to read. My sentences can sometimes be quite awkward and I repeat myself so it's just something that you have to become aware of and try to combat a little.

At times I found it a little confusing but then again it's probably supposed to be somewhat confusing because she is in a dream afterall so that wasn't too much of a major thing.

I don't know if it's just me (I tend not to get symbolism sometimes) but the whole Lion thing didn't really make sense to me. I didn't see a reason to it but then again that could just be me being dense.

I loved the imagination here though and how you came up with a somewhat original way to write about someone's passing. I kind of love those stories about people being visited by a relative just before they died. And overall your writing was good and flowed quite well :)

If you have any questions then feel free to ask! Keep writing!

Bex x
'The creation of a single world comes from a huge number of fragments and chaos.' - Hayao Miyazaki
  








"My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places."
— A.A. Milne