Young Writers Society

Brennan ran as fast as he could away from Jackson and the bullies that flanked him like bodyguards. Legs aching, lungs burning, Brennan ran across the lush, well-fed football field. The football team was busy running up and down the bleachers, their red-faced coach too distracted to intervene and rescue him.

The track team, however, was watching but only laughed. This wasn’t the first time they’d seen him running for his life at a pace that would have probably landed him a spot on the cross country team. If only the coach wasn’t a self-proclaimed red-blooded, fag-hating American.

Suddenly, Brennan tripped, and fell flat on his face on the muddy grass. His book bag flew off his back and hit the ground, sending books everywhere. His yellow and blue sweater vest was ruined. It had taken forever to convince his father to let him wear it to school, and now he’d have to come home with it covered in grass stains.

He turned over and saw the three enormous bullies advancing on him. They were smiling and threateningly cracking their knuckles. Jackson cracked his meaty neck that sat on huge, broad shoulders. Brennan had no choice, he didn’t want to use it, but he couldn’t face his father with bruises again.

“Don’t get any closer,” he yelled to them, scrambling to his feet.

“There’s no use begging for mercy, faggot.”

“No, no!” he cried. “I can really hurt you. I don’t want to. I…I can’t control myself.”

They started laughing at him.

“I think we shout start by shoving that gay-ass vest up your fudge-packing ass.” Jackson told his henchmen, and they laughed even harder.

Then they descended upon him like hungry vultures. Before they could even touch him, though, Brennan squeezed his eyes shut and in a flash, the bullies flew halfway across the field, propelled backward by some powerful but unseen force. In front of everyone, Jackson and his pals landed in a heap.

Brennan opened his eyes and saw the three of them groaning and pulling themselves to their feet. When Jackson looked up at Brennan, the fierce expression had vanished from his eyes and had been replaced by a look of terror. The head bully muttered something and then ran away as fast as he could, followed lamely by his injured cronies.

Trembling with fear, Brennan felt as though his legs might give out. He shouldn't have done that. He should have just faced his father. Nobody knew it, but Brennan had too much of an advantage.

Jackson would be after him tomorrow, but for now, Brennan could go home and spend another night without having to deal with his father’s usual disappointment after his son inevitably lost a fight.

Looking over, he saw the track team staring at him in awe. Several of the football players had run into each other on the bleachers when they stopped to stare at Brennan, inducing the coach to a blue-faced bout of yelling.

Brennan flushed and gathered his books up, sloppily shoving them into his bag. He slung it over his shoulder and ran as fast as he could down the field and away from the nightmare of high school.

Hey there Burma!

I'm Tanya, welcome to YWS!

I'm going to change the content rating of this story to 12+. There isn't much 'curse words' but maybe enough to make the younger members flinch.

That being said, I think you have a good solid piece of writing here. I could not find any grammar mistakes, so kudos to you!

Now that being said, on to the actual review.

Suddenly, Brennan tripped, and fell flat on his face on the muddy grass. His book bag flew off his back and hit the ground, sending books everywhere. His yellow and blue sweater vest was ruined. It had taken forever to convince his father to let him wear it to school, and now he’d have to come home with it covered in grass stains.

Now this was a good paragraph because it told us something about the MC (main character) and his father. It told us that the father was strict, that Brennan was afraid of his reaction.

Here's a good link you might like to read up on: Show, don't tell

This paragraph was a 'show' because you didn't have to 'tell' us about the relationship about the father and son. Nicely done.

They were smiling and threateningly cracking their knuckles.

Ah, adverbs. Beautiful, aren't they? Many known authors absolutely abhor the use of adverbs. They say that your writing should be strong, solid enough to not need an adverb. Usually, I disagree, because sometimes you just need one. I do not believe these were one of these times. He gets run after, trips, falls and the bullies are standing over him. You don't need to tell us he cracked his knuckles threateningly, we've 'seen' it already. So, whenever you use one, look back and see if it's absolutely necessary. That's what I do

Then they descended upon him like hungry vultures. Before they could even touch him, though, Brennan squeezed his eyes shut and in a flash, the bullies flew halfway across the field, propelled backward by some powerful but unseen force. In front of everyone, Jackson and his pals landed in a heap.

Something bothers me here. He says that he can't control it, but it works when he closes his eyes and concentrate? Maybe you could elaborate here?

Jackson would be after him tomorrow, but for now, Brennan could go home and spend another night without having to deal with his father’s usual disappointment after his son inevitably lost a fight.

Looking over, he saw the track team staring at him in awe. Several of the football players had run into each other on the bleachers when they stopped to stare at Brennan, inducing the coach to a blue-faced bout of yelling.

Ok, this is the part that needs the most tweaking. What type of world is this? Is it one where they used to seeing magic? If yes, then why are they staring at him in awe? Because he can do this?

But he mentioned that 'nobody knew but he had an advantage', but they're staring at him in 'awe'? If they understood that he is the source of the 'unseen force', then a lot of them would naturally run away screaming, others would run to him. Most certainly the coach would demand an explanation. But they just stare at him and watch him run away?

Think. How would your classmates/school mates react if they saw you shooting power out of yourself. Would they be awed, scared, terrified? Your MC is a real person, and you need to treat him that way. He must act like we would all act.

What bothers me is the lack of thought process, except to say his dad would be mad. Why wasn't he tempted to use his powers before? Why now, if no one knew about it, would he risk it? You got to let us in your MC's head. Because if we can't understand him and his thought process, then we can't get to know him, can't learn to love him.

As I said, this was a good piece, and I'm interested to see where it's headed. Keep up the good writing!

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions!

Tanya

Borntobeawriter, I really want to thank you for your thorough review. This is the first piece I've submitted and it's one of my shorter and more benign pieces because I'm terrified of having people critique my work. But yours brought up great points that I fully intend to work on. Thanks!

Burma, it was my pleasure.

It's never easy to have other people read our work, but it's for the best in the long wrong, trust me. We learn so much from it. I know I did.

Let me know if you have any other questions and good luck with your writing!

Tanya

Cool story! I dig the invisible force field powers you've got going on with your main character. It leaves the reader in suspense: How did he acquire such powers? Does the father know about his powers or him being gay? The conflict between the father and the son are what have the main impact of the story.

The main character being gay adds a kick of flavor into the story. He's no longer simply a picked on underdog of your typical "loser taking on the world" story. He's picked on for a particular reason, different from many people for more than one reason. Not only is he gay, but he has superpowers. He's like Peter Parker, but more original. The angry football coach and the bullies represent redneck America, and your main character represents a revoulutionary figure that changes everything. Keep writing!