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The Sorting Hat



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Fri Jul 22, 2011 7:41 pm
espeon says...



Contest entry: The Sorting Hat

My foot was dead. Delicately, I uncurled it from underneath the hard wooden bench. As soon as the First Years piled in, we were deftly sat down at the back of the room and told to wait. There seemed to be an awful lot of waiting going on, ever since my letter arrived over the summer. Waiting in Diagon Alley, waiting in the train – until now, yet more waiting! I hated not being able to do anything about it. I hated being treated like a kid.

I let my mind wonder as my turn at the Sorting Hat was far yet to come. I wondered if Xya was okay. I wondered how they transported the animals. I hoped they didn’t keep them with the owls, because Xya hated owls. She would never admit she was afraid of them (being the proud cat), but she was.

I stiffened as surprise gripped me by two trembling hands. My thoughts quickly collapsed like a deck of cards. “Stop!” I exclaimed, as I shot Olivia a look of annoyance. “Why did you - - “ I hissed; at which she abruptly stopped shaking me and pointed towards the front of the room.

“Sorry." she whimpered. "It's your turn!" As I looked upon her in scrutiny. Then I looked up into Professor McGonagall’s exasperated gaze.

“Perhaps a special invitation is required, Miss Lestrange.” with which there was an anticipated gasp around the room. I felt my lips transform into a coy smile.

“I repeat,” the old hag spelled out with evidently diminishing patience. “Lestrange - Veronica Lestrange to the sorting hat if you may.” McGonagall said again, on cue of which I rose.

My cloak went up with a swish! behind me, and for a dark moment lingered above the ground. Quickly, my boots rapped the slight old marble beneath them, and I was conscious that every set of eyes in the room; were on me. I knew my name caused stirance within the Wizarding World. Letting the material settle around the solid stool, I let my head become yet another exhibit within the infamous hat’s case. It was surprisingly warm, and tickled a strand of hair loose from where it gripped it in place.

“Hmmm, what a familiar feel. Why of course! Another Black! Slytherin has become much the tradition...”

“But isn’t that the bad house,” I thought for the hat. I wondered if it could hear me, “And what do you mean, Black?”

“My child. So many thoughts!” and then out loud “So difficult to read!” causing mutterings around the hall.

“Perhaps I am a Ravenclaw,”

“Thoughts darker than that swirl your mind my dear. You would do well with the green...”

“Lord Voldemort was a Slytherin,” I thought without thinking, not directing it at the hat in particular before attempting to withdraw my thought.

The hat cackled for the hall to hear, chuckling at the inside joke that only we knew of, and that it alone found worth of it's eerie laugh. Perplexed glances were exchanged around the room, when I thought I heard the hat mutter. Was it only to me? I found difficulty distinguishing my mind's thoughts from the physicallity of sound that entered my thoughts, “a rapture...” however it was long unheard over the loud cheers of relief and for some, excitement - for the sorting hat has had it's final say.

Slytherin house it is.
Last edited by espeon on Mon Jul 25, 2011 9:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:20 pm
Iggy says...



I liked it. It was exactly what I had in mind for my contest. Your conversation with the hat was well-played; your use of imagery was descriptive and nice. I saw no spelling or punctuation errors. However, I got confused here:
"Why did you p- -"


Did she mean to say push?

Nice job! Good luck.

- Ariel.
“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
- Lewis Carroll
  





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Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:18 pm
Hannah says...



Hello! :D

A piece for a contest, hmm? Let's see what we can do.

First of all, I want to say that you're doing an excellent job of characterization right off the bat. What this girl says about being tired of waiting, oh there's an awful lot of waiting AND ESPECIALLY when she wonders how people take care of the animals in this situation, both of those thoughts really lend a lot to her character, bring her into reality. We can see what she's worried about and it brings us closer. Awesome.

“Ow!” My mind crashed back down to the present, as I darted Olivia (an obnoxiously clingy girl who thought she was my best friend just because I sat next to her on the train) a look of annoyance.


But here, you try to fit a little too much in. Is Olivia important? Do we really need to know how she acted on the train? Also, I think you use the verb "darted" awkwardly. Usually we hear the word "shot" there, and the word "darted" is to describe your eyes darting around. You dart your eyes, but you can't dart your eyes AT something.

“Why did you pi- -“I hissed, before she abruptly stopped shaking me and pointed towards the front of the room.


Here, you want to slow down a little. First, finish the word. You can cut it off before "me" and we can guess at "me", but usually when you interrupt dialogue, you wan the reader to be able to guess at what was interrupted. Here, I guess pinch, but I'm not quite sure. The previous reviewer asked after it as well, so I'd just finish the word. Then, break the second sentence into two. It reads more smoothly if you say: "I hissed. She abruptly stopped shaking me and pointed toward the front of the room". You want to break it up. The same goes with the next sentence. Here, think about it. Did she look up AS Olivia was whimpering? Or did her whimper cause her to look up? Just technically, maybe this sentence doesn't work with "as" which functions as "at the same time as".

“A special invitation perhaps, Miss Lestrange?” with which there was an anticipated gasp around the room. I felt my lips transform into a coy smile, “I repeat,” She said with evidently diminishing patience, “Lestrange - Veronica Lestrange to the sorting hat if you may” McGonagall said again, on cue of which I rose.


Check your awkward phrasing here, and double check dialogue punctuation rules. There's a good article on it here.

Fish around for more articles on punctuation there, too, please. Be on SHARP LOOKOUT for awkward sentences and incorrect punctuation! There are a lot of tutorials and tips around on YWS, so make good use of them.

As for the ending, I'd like to know a little more. Where did this girl first get the idea that Slytherin was a bad house? What were her parents' opinions on what house they'd want her to get into? How invested in this sorting is she? After she's chosen to be in Slytherin house, how does she return to her seat? Does she shrug? Trudge? Cry on the way back? Add a little more of what's at stake for this character so we can connect to her even more.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Hannah
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants
are you a green room knight yet?
have you read this week's Squills?
  





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Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:29 am
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espeon says...



First of all, THANK YOU for reviewing my first submission here on the forum. I'm still kinda getting used to how it all works and whatnot. But not like that's important.

Now that i read over my work again, all that is left to think is "Good Lord. May He help us all."

I didn't even bother reaching the end. Which is what I am usually like with any of my works, give or take 12 hours while it brews. Anyway, i see every single thing you've pointed out to me. Not subtly, or "oh yeah whatever yeah" either. Might as well have had it printed in The Sun with bloody red marker around each mistake. Atleast it'd match the logo...

Ahoy, as i go off on a tangent. Back to your review!
As Ariel had also pointed out, the awkward pi- - is really quite unnecessary. Olivia is neither important, nor does she deserve such an insight so early on in the narrative of the story. Given this were to develop into something more. Sans Olivia. The way you made it sound, it was like I threw an actual dart at the girl. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. I don't make any sense. Oh heck with it all. I need to work on my sentence structure.

Although i must admit, I had taken the time re-arranging the way McGonagall was going to say her 'thang'. It was like playing hardcore Scrabble for a good 10 minutes. I think i was getting more frustrated than she was. I left it be.

Posting for good measure, not willing to write a minute longer, i attacked my bed. Let's just keep it at that.
Otherwise, i have some responsible editing to be done.

Thank you yet again,
E
  





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Sun Jul 24, 2011 9:39 pm
EnchantedPanda says...



Hello espeon,

Personally I thought this was really fantastic and very true to the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling. I could tell immediately without having to read the title that this was about Harry Potter due to the style of writing you used which was very similar to that of J.K. Rowling's. You also included lots of small phrases within your writing that are repeated throughout the actual series to give it a more likeliness between the book. I also liked how you italicized the words that the sorting hat spoke because I think it looked very effective. Now I have a few things that I would like to bring to your attention.

I let my mind wonder as my turn at the Sorting Hat was far yet to come. I wondered if Xya was okay. Xya was my cat. I wondered how they transported the animals. I hoped they didn't keep them with the owls, because Xya hated owls. She had them for breakfast.
Something in this stood out to me in this paragraph. It was the part about the cat, Xya, eating owls for breakfast, I really didn't think it really fitted in with the story and in this context it seemed very out of place, you should probably try rephrasing this part.

I also have another thing which isn't necessary but it might be nice if you included the link to the contest that you're are entering at the top so that we, as reviewers can see what the criteria for the competition was and what the person running the contest wanted to see in your piece. of you actually don't know how to post a link then just PM me and I will explain how it is done, don't worry it's a really quick and easy process and once you know how to do it I can guarantee you won't forget it.

My favorite part of your story would have to be the introduction, it was so descriptive and started the story really well. It was also full of imagery and really dragged the reader into the story. I loved how well you began it because you really set the scene and described how the character was feeling instead of just plunging straight into the story without telling the reader what is going on which was really good and helped me understand and enjoy the whole story even better!

Then I looked up into Professor McGonagall’s exasperated gaze.
“Perhaps a special invitation is required, Miss Lestrange.”
Overall this was really good and I have to say the line I quoted really made me chuckle, because it is exactly the way I would imagine Professor McGonagall would react in this circumstance and it's really good that you have included that within this. This was a pleasure to read and if you would like any more reviews than please PM me and I would be happy to!

From DreamingForever
  





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Mon Jul 25, 2011 2:54 am
Jelen says...



I really like this a lot. It flows exceptionally well, and I think you have a good sense of your own speed throughout. I hit a few snags, which I will address directly, but overall you should be very pleased with yourself.

My foot was dead. Delicately, I uncurled it from underneath the hard wooden bench. As soon as the First Years piled in, we were deftly sat down at the back of the room and told to wait. There seemed to be an awful lot of waiting going on, ever since my letter arrived over the summer. Waiting in Diagon Alley, waiting in the train – until now, yet more waiting! I hated not being able to do anything about it. I hated being treated like a kid.

I let my mind wonder as my turn at the Sorting Hat was far yet to come. I wondered if Xya was okay. Xya was my cat. I wondered how they transported the animals. I hoped they didn’t keep them with the owls, because Xya hated owls. She had them for breakfast.


This seems to be a strange anecdote, and it's a little distracting to me because it seems unrealistic. Your average cat has the sense to keep well away from birds as large and capable as owls. You haven't really introduced the cat as anything out of the ordinary, and so this part is just out of place.

“Ow!” My mind crashed back down to the present, as I shot Olivia a look of annoyance. “Why did you - - “ I hissed. She abruptly stopped shaking me and pointed towards the front of the room.

“Sorry." she whimpered. "It's your turn!" As I looked upon her in scrutiny. Then I looked up into Professor McGonagall’s exasperated gaze.

“Perhaps a special invitation is required, Miss Lestrange.” with which there was an anticipated gasp around the room. I felt my lips transform into a coy smile. “I repeat,” the old hag spelled out with evidently diminishing patience. “Lestrange - Veronica Lestrange to the sorting hat if you may.” McGonagall said again, on cue of which I rose.


Your wording here has me stumbling a little bit. It's a little overwritten and it's hard to get through on the first try.

My cloak went up with a swish! behind me, and for a dark moment lingered above the ground. Quickly, my boots rapped the slight old marble beneath them, and I was conscious that every set of eyes in the room; were on me. I knew my name caused stirance within the Wizarding World. Letting the material settle around the solid stool, I let my head become yet another exhibit within the infamous hat’s case. It was surprisingly warm, and tickled a strand of hair loose from where it gripped it in place.

“Hmmm, what a familiar feel. Why of course! Another Black! While most I place in Slytherin...”


Here, you are setting us up for a different choice. In the end, though, she is placed in Slytherin. That contradiction, although not intended as such, has me all tangled up.

But aside from that, I feel like you have a good start here. I hope that you continue to develop your characters (and maybe post more on here for us to enjoy) =)
Данијела (Dani)
  





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Mon Jul 25, 2011 4:27 am
Shaundeman says...



This will be brief. I just wanted to say that I liked it, but I didn't get the premiss. Did Belatrix (probably spelled wrong) have a daughter? A neice perhaps? I don't get the connection. I wanted more of where the story came from, more exposition, as it were. Well, that's all.
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Mon Jul 25, 2011 9:54 pm
espeon says...



WOW.

Never had I expected this much response. I honestly cannot say how surprised I am at everyone's reviews. Not to mention positive comments! So first of all, thank you. Now allow me to get through this one step at a time.

DreamingForever: I am appalled. Comparing me to J.K. Rowling is completely unholy. I admit I have read the books and absolutely adored them all, but I was no where near attempting to imitate her style. Therefore I am COMPLETELY CLUELESS as to how that could have happened. Funny, isn't it? ... Actually, kind of scary. If compliments had levels of notoriety, that one just went through the roof.

Jelen: As DreamingForever had mentioned, the problem with Xya the Monster Cat has been hastily solved. I admit that it was quite dim of me to write that. Unless Xya, of course, was like a cougar or something. Duh.
I had also attempted at re-wording the part with Olivia and the overall summoning to the Hat. I hope there has been an improvement. I'd never been the best at transitioning between thought and conversation.
The Slytherin contradiction had also been removed. I can't believe I missed that! Thank you for the heads up!

Shaundeman + Hannah:
Both of you had mentioned something about elaborating the story into something more. This was something I had not planned. I had not planned at giving it much of a spine nor any further insight; considering the sort of effect the Hat's choice may play. It was a 'Hit and Run' type of piece, more than anything else.
Minutes after I had stumbled upon YWS, signed up and found the contest, I was quickly typing away. The contest looked fun, not mind-boggling and a great thing to do before shooting off to bed. So I thought heck, why not? And here we are today.
I have to admit this piece took me about 20 minutes, max. I really didn't give it that much thought.
This also plays a MAJOR factor in my surprise towards all the response. I cannot stretch my gratitude.
Which brings me to ask, is there truly reason to further expand the world of Veronica Lestrange? Because at the moment I am simply unable of answering Shaundeman's proposed question. I know, I know. It's unproffesional, think nothing of it. Maybe Bellatrix had an affair with Voldemort. God knows!

Respectfully yours,
Espeon.
  








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