Young Writers Society

“Yes Mum, I promise.” Bloom replied.
“Good, now I love you, Bloom.” Mum said.
“And I love you too.” Bloom replied frightfully.
Mum raised her hand to touch Bloom’s face. Mum’s fingernails curved slightly, almost scratching her daughter’s face. It took all of Bloom’s strength to keep her from brushing away the hands that had once tried to kill her brother, the hands that had tried to kidnap Starfinsh. Bloom held back the tears that had once worried her mother. Mum kissed Bloom on the forehead and left, trailing behind her sweet apple perfume.
Bloom looked away, her suitcase banging on her knees. She wondered why she had to live this way, changing schools every time her mother killed someone. Bloom walked towards the registration area and signed her name on the list. She walked slowly towards her dormitory. The buildings loomed over her, like the walls that had once imprisoned her when she had been bad. Bloom walked up the steps and touched the doorknob, turning it slightly. She looked around fearfully and entered the room.
“Your name is?” a lady questioned her as she walked inside.
Bloom looked frightfully at the lady and relaxed a bit at the sight. The lady looked like someone who would love to be nice to her. Bloom looked up shyly. Her grasp tightened on her suitcase.
“Miriam.” She replied.
“Miriam Bloom Estella?” the lady asked.
“Yes, Bloom…” Bloom trailed off.
“You will be in dorm room 2. You will have a great view there, Ms. Estella.”
“Thank you.” Bloom sighed.
The teenage girl walked down the corridor and stopped at her room. Bloom looked up and confirmed it was Dorm Room 2. She grasped the doorknob and turned it. Bloom stumbled into her room. She set her suitcase next to an empty bed and turned to look out one of the windows. Bloom pulled the curtain away so that she could see. A grand view was laid out before her. She had been lucky to come at 6:32 p.m. Streaks of pink and light orange were painted across the sky. The sun seemed as if it was at its brightest. Bloom sighed sadly and stared out the window.
It felt like everything was to be taken from her. Her future had already been sealed by her Mum’s kiss on Bloom’s head.


The End.

Oh, this is definitely a sad piece. This could actually be a good novel idea since it section can work as a scene. Although, I really love to know where exactly your character is. Great work! And I love the ending sentence!

I'm confused by your story. Why did her mom kill someone? Is she insane? How does she get away with it? You need to add more background information; otherwise, you'll lose your readers.

You should be more descriptive. Describe the room she's entering, tell us what the mom looks like, take you readers and make it seem like they're in the story.

Maybe you should edit this. Good job, though.

- Ariel.

Hey, I agree with what the others said, this would be an fantastic novel. Just a few questions though...
Why was Bloom's future sealed by a kiss?
Why does she prefer Bloom to her first name?
Why did her mum try to kill her brother?
Apart from those points, I found this very well written. Well Done!!


-SC-

This is good, and I agree that you could turn it into a novel. It feels like it's missing a lot of information, which might be easier to add if it's longer.

I think you repeat her name too much... you should do just 'she' or 'her' more often, it felt like 'Bloom' was in there a little too often.

Great story, although sad. Keep writing!

Well, thank you for all your criticism, and I mean that in a good way. Some people asked these questions and I feel like answering them for you.
Was Bloom's mother insane? Yes, she was, and that's why she killed so many people.
How does she get away with it? You're not supposed to know
I know some wanted me to describe more, but Bloom was feeling depressed and could not look around as most people would do.
Why was Bloom's future sealed with a kiss? Remember Bloom's Mum kissed her on the forehead? Well that signalized that Bloom was forever hers.
Why does she prefer Bloom to her first name? Some people do, don't they?

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

This would make for a great lead to a story. My only real edit is the way you start your sentences. When I was in AP Literature, my teacher stressed the avoidance of staring a sentence with a subject and a verb. Try putting a modifier or a descriptive phrase at the beginning of a sentence. For instance, instead of, "She walked slowly towards her dormitory," try "Slowly, she walked towards her dormitory." Or, instead of, "Bloom looked away, her suitcase banging on her knees," try, "With her suitcase banging on her knees, Bloom looked away."

Hai hai! So I thought I'd drop by and take a look at some more of your writing

I like this piece! There's a few things I'm not sure about though, like why you have that part in the spoilers. Only, if the reader is supposed to know it then why not just have it out of the spoilers or if it was like an 'explanation' it wasn't really necessary?

Next question is who is Starfinsh? It's too weird a name for a person, surely but the mother tried to kidnap her/ him/ it so I can only think that it might be a pet or something? Either way I'd suggest a less comical name. It doesn't create the right atmosphere for a piece like this that's supposed to be sad/ dark.

The plot of this intrigues me a lot, how the mother kills people and Bloom's resentment at having to change schools. I love that mix of something so big with something as mundane as being annoyed at having to change to another school. It works really well. It would be even better if you showed us more about her Bloom feels about her mother's actions. Does she sometimes wish her mum would get caught? Does she ever consider turning her in? I'd find it easier to relate to Bloom if there was some conflict there between loving her mother and wanting a normal life/ doing the right thing.

Just a few things to think about! Thanks for the read,

Heather xxx

hi! LooneyPandaxx here!

i thought this piece was sad but totaly perfect! you could make it into a novel aswell. i think its really nice and it touched me inside.

First of all, you used 'Bloom' much to often. It made is sound choppy at many points. Try using different terms, such as 'she', or 'the young girl', or anything else you could label her as.

“Your name is?” a lady questioned her as she walked inside.

The 'a' should be capitalized.

Overall, it was a very interesting peice. I'd suggust using more detail in some parts.

I think this story has potential... It's got some interesting elements to it. Her crazy, serial killer mom, who tried to kill her brother. This new school. The kiss that 'seals her fate'.

So, she's living in a dorm? Then why would she have to switch schools whenever her mom killed somone? Or is this the first boarding school place thing that she's ever been to (If that's the case, then shouldn't she be excited to be getting away, or worried about her brother and Starfinsh, whatever that thing is).

"I know some wanted me to describe more, but Bloom was feeling depressed and could not look around as most people would do."
You could describe the way she can't look around. XD The way walls seem to blur past in her peripheral vision, or how the patterns on the tiled floor made her head spin. Even when someone's depressed and not looking around, they can still take in a few details here and there, even if it all feels distant to them...

"Why was Bloom's future sealed with a kiss? Remember Bloom's Mum kissed her on the forehead? Well that signalized that Bloom was forever hers." Why? For some people, a kiss on the forehead doesn't mean anything. I'd like it if you really emphasized the importance of this one. Show us it's not just a mom saying goodbye to her kid. Show us how it's a sign of control, and how hopeless it makes Bloom feel. Or, if it's a magical kiss that literally seals Bloom to her mom, show us that, too.

Like I said, I think this has potential, but I'm seeing one consistent area where you could use some work.

YOU know the stories. In your head, you know how many people her mom has killed, and how she got away. You know what circumstances led up to her trying to kill Bloom's brother. You know who Starfinsh is. You know the importance of the kiss, and you know why Bloom and her brother haven't just run away by now. YOU know all the stories.

The reader doesn't.

Elaborate. Give us some details. Assume that we are incapable of piecing things together for outselves; we need help. Give us hints, and more information on the interesting parts than two vague lines here and there.

Have you ever listened to two people discussing - with spoilers - a movie that you've never seen before, completely ignoring the fact that you have almost no idea what they're talking about? That's kind of what this story is like right now. You are discussing your story with the pages, and forgetting to explain things that the reader needs explained in order for the story to make sense.

Elaborate. Show us the story inside your head with greater detail. You're not always going to be around to fill in the gaps when a reader has questions, and not every reader is going to be interested enough to come back and read the filled-in gaps.

That said, I think you have an interesting start here. Just keep in mind what the reader doesn't know. :]

Keep writing. ^^