Young Writers Society

Possessing Maya

Maya ran, branches slapping at her face, bushes snagging the soft cotton of her long white dress. Her heartbeat echoed the sound of her bare feet hitting the ground.
As blood trickled down her cheek and mixed with the sweat pouring down her face, Maya realised in a panic that she wasn’t healing from her cuts and bruises. It meant that her magic was nearly depleted and she needed to stop and rest, but the hunter was close on her heels.
She suddenly felt a stitch piercing her side and she stumbled to her knees. Curling her fists into the dead pine needles scattered on the ground, she fought for breath and the strength to keep running. Her long blonde hair formed a protective curtain around her head as she leaned her whole body weight on her trembling arms.
Her throat burned from hunger and thirst and her eyes felt gritty and sore. Her chest heaved, trying to inhale deep breaths and she found that the air tasted slightly salty, accentuating her need for water. But these were mild discomforts compared to her fear; no hunter had ever caught her scent before. No hunter had ever made it this close to her.
When she was able to take a deep breath, she rose shakily, flipping the heavy length of her hair over her shoulder. She looked up and realised she had finally escaped the forest as she was met with the bright blue stillness of the ocean. The view would have been breathtaking, if she’d had any breath to spare.
For a full precious moment, she inhaled the salty smell of the ocean, tilted her head back and let the breeze cool her clammy skin. She watched the ebb and flow of the gentle tide and realised that if she walked in water, her footsteps would immediately be erased.
Propelled by hope and determination, Maya strode forward, her eyes on the shoreline. A step before reaching it, she dropped to the sandy beach, screaming.
* * *
Finally, the hunter thought, Maya has made a mistake!
He stared at the knife protruding from the partial footstep in the ground. Until now, Maya had kept to hard surfaces, bodies of water and thick grass, effectively covering her tracks. This time, she’d left a partial footprint, more than enough to track her down.
The hunter crouched beside the print, touched it with his index and brought the finger to his mouth for a taste. A jolt of power surged through him and he rose, elated.
Finally, he was reaching his goal. He would capture her before the end of the day. An image of his father flashed before his eyes. His father had spent his lifetime searching for the elusive Maya, until he was too old and weak. And now, it was within the hunter’s grasp to bring Maya to him. To show him what he was worth.
After glancing one more time at the silver-coloured handle protruding from the dirt, the hunter strode forward, his mind entirely set on his prey.
* * *
Maya twisted her ankle when she landed on it and cried out involuntarily. She tried rising but couldn’t move; her foot was caught in the sand. She tugged on her leg while trying to maintain her weight on her left foot. Icy horror crept up and encircled her heart. Her fingers were numb as she tried to pry her foot free while her tears of frustration mingled with the sweat on her face.
She frantically looked around, searching for an escape, feeling cornered even with the wide expanse of the ocean behind her. Maya struggled to free herself while battling with the impossible truth; the hunter had somehow caught her. Had she left her trace anywhere? She silently cursed her bare feet but knew she didn’t have a choice; she needed direct contact with the earth to sustain her magic.
Her weak legs gave out and she dropped to the ground, a sob escaping her parched lips. Her vision blurred as she pictured the hunter using her for evil. She knew there was nothing she could do if he possessed her, which was why she needed to escape.
A voice rang out over the buzzing in her ears, “Miss? Do you need help?”
Her pain forgotten as she reacted instinctively, Maya rose to a half-crouch, a silent snarl on her lips. A man, who looked barely older than she, stood before her. She eyed him warily, wondering what he must make of her plight.
The man’s dark blue eyes studied her with interest as the wind blew a lock of dark hair across his forehead. His voice was deep and carried easily over the sound of the surf, “May I be of some assistance?”
Maya wanted to throw caution to the wind and say yes, but it wasn’t in her nature to trust anyone she just met. But maybe he could yank her free. Maybe he could find something to use as a lever. Maybe . . .
Something sagged inside her and she knew it to be ‘hope’, but she pushed it back, cursing herself for being so foolish; the stranger could do nothing for her. Better he leave before the hunter arrived and harmed him in the process.
“I don’t need help, I’m simply resting.”
“With your foot stuck in the sand?” A dark eyebrow rose incredulously.
“I- Yes. Now go, thanks for stopping by.” Maya felt like slapping her forehead at her choice of words but she was desperate to be rid of him.
The stranger made to leave, then turned back to her. Her eyes were drawn to his serious gaze and she wondered why he looked so sombre.
“He’s coming for you, you know.”
“Wh- Who?” Maya stammered, her breath short.
“My brother, Parker.”
Hating herself for showing weakness but no longer able to support weight on her leg, Maya fell on her good knee and tilted her head back to stare at the man before her. “Your brother?”
“The hunter on your trail.”
Questions bounced off the wall of her mind. How did he know she was being hunted? Did he know who she was? Was he friend or foe? With a husky voice, she asked, “Who are you?”
“My name is Joshua,” he said, tipping an imaginary hat to her. “And Parker is my twin brother.”
“What is this? A race between the two of you? Well, you won,” Maya said. She did her best to appear lost and hurt, hoping he would believe she was weak. When he least expected it, she would attack.
Without a word, Joshua dug in his right pocket, pulled out a switchblade and walked toward her. Maya watched him with wide fearful eyes that didn’t need to be faked. He was quicker than she’d expected. She tensed, awaiting the moment where she would strike with all her fear and fury. She’d have to pack one hell of a punch, because she couldn’t dance around avoiding his blows.
Joshua flipped the blade open and cut through his open left palm. Blood immediately began to seep from the wound. His hand sure, his expression determined, Joshua reached for her and wrapped his bloody hand around her ankle.
She was so shocked that the only move she made was to flinch at the unexpected pressure on her swollen ankle. She was frozen in complete confusion and could not for the life of her sock him for touching her.
Maya heard a popping sound as her foot suddenly shifted in the sand, free of its invisible constraint.
Joshua had freed her!
“How?” was all she asked.
“Surely you must know it takes blood from the hunter who caught you, to release you.” His eyes held amusement in them. Maya nodded. “My brother and I share the same bloodline.”
“So you’ve won.” Maya’s eyes flashed. Until he spoke the words that would bind her to him, her free will was her own to command.
Reacting swiftly, she rose, using the pain in her ankle to drive her forward; she lashed out with her nails and raked her fingers across his cheeks, causing deep red welts to form. Instinctively, Joshua slashed his knife at her, but she’d jumped back, out of harm’s way, her fists clenched.
Do it, Maya thought almost eagerly, eyeing the blade. If he tried to harm her, she would be out of his grasp forever. Humans could not harm beings of magic.
His expression incredulous, Joshua lifted a hand to his cheek. It came away bloody and his eyes met Maya’s. “I am sorry for my reaction; I was simply not expecting you to attack me.” He snapped shut his blade. “Maybe you’ve misunderstood my intent, Maya, but you are free to go.”
“Why? If you are here, you know what it means to possess me, don’t you?”
A strange light flared in his gaze but he said softly, “Do I know that once possessed of you, we gain complete control of what you are, both white and black magic? Yes, I know. But if I hadn’t known, you’d just given yourself away.”
Maya accepted the rebuke. After all, she knew better but this man was unsettling to her. She couldn’t anticipate his next move, couldn’t guess what he was thinking. “Then, why?”
Joshua took a deep breath. “My family and I are time walkers.”
Maya nodded. “I’ve heard of you.”
“My father has searched for you his whole life; he’d heard that you could remove the curse that we live with.”
Maya frowned. “Why?”
Joshua laughed drily. “We walk through time without aging but once we return home, our age catches up frightfully fast. It’s taken a toll on my father and he lies on his deathbed. I would like to take you to heal him. But I will not coerce you.”
“Is that why your brother is on my trail?” Maya asked.
“I don’t think Parker’s reasons are quite so . . . altruistic.”
“What do you mean?”
“Time is pressing, Maya. I need to know if you’ll help me and I’ll explain everything on the way.”
Maya thought over his question as quickly and thoroughly as possible but in the end, she knew she’d go. After all, he had helped her, and asked only a favour in return. When she nodded, he reached for her, as if to lift her in his arms, and she jumped back, startled. Pain shot through her ankle, but she bit down on her scream.
Joshua’s voice was gentle as the warm breeze when he said, “If you haven’t healed yourself already, it is that your magic is depleted. I could carry you while you rest.”
And put myself at his mercy? Maya thought. No way.
“I’ll manage,” Maya said stiffly. “Let’s time walk.”
She was able to sift through time herself but she let Joshua lead the way and followed in his path. She felt the familiar sensation of being sucked through a tight tube before being suddenly released. Thankfully, she was used to the feeling and was able to anchor her feet before dropping to the ground in an unflattering pose.
* * *
Parker cursed when he arrived on the sandy beach. Not only was Maya gone, but so was her print, either erased by herself or the ebbing tide. His mind flashed to the dagger imbedded in the ground. How had she escaped? He had been so close!
Parker frowned and studied the footprints on the ground. Some prints were indented in the sand, as if the person had stood there for a long period. Frowning deeper, he crouched and pressed his fingertips to the print. Joshua. His twin’s familiar essence shot through him.
Had Joshua released Maya? The heat of his brother’s betrayal burned inside his stomach. Suddenly, his jaw clenched as he froze.
Had his twin discovered what he’d done?
Nausea leapt up his throat and as he pictured his home in the nineteenth century, he broke into a run through time.
* * *
“Now, tell me why Parker is chasing me,” Maya said as they made their way to the mansion where the twins lived.
“My brother is older by a few minutes and that is the only thing he’s done right of his life. I’ve always been better, faster and stronger than Parker and my father obviously favours me.” Joshua opened the door to let Maya in. “That never sat well with Parker who outdid himself trying to gain our father’s attention. As the years have gone by, my brother has become more violent and volatile.” Joshua paused and Maya could see he was clearly upset over his brother’s rage. “A few weeks ago, Parker got into a fight with our father and he struck him.” His voice had gone quiet, flat. “Father was so shocked and scared that something happened to his heart and he’s been unable to move. My mother is inconsolable and terrified that Parker will go even further next time.”
Maya felt her heart leap as she realised Joshua had saved her from being subjected to Parker’s anger. She let her gratitude shine in her eyes as she turned to him. “Enough said; let’s go see what I can do for your father.”
As Joshua led the way to the second floor, Maya noticed how quiet the manor was, which surprised her. It was early eighteen-hundreds and it was obvious the family was wealthy. Shouldn’t there have been a maid or two caring for the manor?
Joshua led her to a thick wooden door and inhaled deeply. Her heart thudded as she braced herself to meet the man who’d searched years for her. She wasn’t paying attention to Joshua but Maya hissed when she felt a sting on her arm. Before she could react, he covered her arm with his wounded hand and said, “Maya, you who are a being of pure magic, I claim you for myself.” Utterly shocked, she looked up and met Joshua’s eyes. His face was etched in deep shadows and suddenly, he was foreign to her, his face no longer recognisable. “You will do my bidding whenever I command it, whichever way I command it.”
“No,” Maya whispered, “no!”
“Joshua!” a man’s voice thundered.
Maya’s head whipped to the sound and met a pair of furious blue eyes. Parker, she thought, and her fear escalated. If Joshua, whom she had tentatively trusted could betray her, what would the hunter do?
She froze. What if Joshua had been the hunter all along? Her mind recoiled at the thought but part of her knew it made sense. It was easier to bring her here on her own two feet than drag her unwilling body along.
Parker pulled a knife from his belt and held it to his side. His stance was menacing and his eyes were fierce as he glared at his brother. “Did you really think I wouldn’t find out?”
“Honestly? Yes. I was hoping you’d stay away for awhile and let me work my magic.”
“You mean her magic,” he gestured toward Maya. “You almost killed our father,” Parker said quietly, his tone belying the look in his eye.
“Almost is the key word, brother,” Joshua said, a sneer on his lips. “Now, I’m going to show him the present I’ve brought.” He reached behind him and twisted the doorknob, dragging Maya into the room. His grip was painful and she flinched, her gaze on Parker. Could she depend on him to help her?
She felt Joshua freeze and she looked around the empty bedroom. “Where are they?” Joshua roared.
“In a safe place. I know you Joshua. You wouldn’t have healed him, you would have taunted him with the visions of a time-walk free future, of a normal existence. Then, you would have either killed him or killed her before him.”
Joshua threw Maya to the side and lunged for his brother, swinging his arm and punching Parker in the face. Parker’s head jerked back at the hit but he reacted swiftly, bringing his arm up slashing Joshua across his chest. Joshua jumped back with a yelp, his hand covering his bleeding wound. “Maya!” he snapped, “heal me!”
His words brought a compulsion within her to obey and she rose swiftly but tried to fight it. She didn’t want to heal him, didn’t want to obey. She pushed back the compulsion with every ounce of her will power, yet she stepped forward, slowly, sluggishly.
“Maya, now!”
She jerked forward at his command, raised her hands and set them on his chest, either side of the wound. She heard Parker’s furious battle cry and out of the corner of her eye, she saw him raise his knife and charge. Joshua realised it too, and he grabbed her arms and whipped them both around so that her back was to Parker’s attack. “Stay!” Joshua cried out.
Everything happened so fast. Maya felt Parker’s knife rip into her shoulder, scorching her skin from the inside out. She felt as if her body was going to erupt into flames, with the knife still in it. She cried out and fell to her knees, her hand cupping her shoulder. Because Joshua had used her as a shield, his power over her was relinquished but she felt so weak, too weak to even crawl away from him.
She heard Parker’s sharp intake of breath but as she looked up, she found a smirk on Joshua’s lips; he was proud of what he’d done. The pain of her wound slowly faded, replaced by a burning sensation in her stomach. Her anger gave her energy; she rose, brought the heel of her hand up and struck Joshua on the nose. She heard a satisfying crunch as he jerked back and screamed.
“You bitch!” Blood flowed freely out his nose which made his face gruesome. His limbs were trembling from his fury as he pulled out his switchblade and flipped it open. He charged and in one swift gesture, he brought his knife down, intent on killing her, but slipping between them, Parker pushed her away and caught the blow in his back. Parker immediately crumpled to the floor, his spine severed, the knife still protruding.
A dark pulsing rage bubbled from Maya’s core as she felt Joshua’s feelings of horror mingling with deep satisfaction. He had just killed his brother and he was proud! Maya’s thoughts swirled angrily and her rage rose swiftly, clawing to the surface and was released in a deep, primal cry. She called forth the dark energy emanating from within Joshua, cradled it inside her palms and set it free against its previous owner. It hit Joshua with the full force of both her rage and his darkness and he slammed into the stone wall behind him, snapping his head, before falling to the ground like a broken rag doll.
Maya breathed heavily, choking on the dark energy she could still feel inside her, like a bad taste on her tongue. She noticed Parker lying disarticulated at her feet and immediately her anger evaporated. She opened herself up to all that was good and pure within Parker. She felt his light rise to the surface and enter her soul. She dropped to her knees, and using her own light, created a protective bubble around them both. She cradled Parker’s dark head in her arms as she watched the breath of life slowly seep back into him.
She remained that way for hours, not feeling the pain in her back or the tension in her neck. When his eyes finally fluttered open, she sighed deeply, thankful for her gift. “Thank you,” she said softly. “You saved my life.”
Parker struggled into a sitting position before cradling his neck with his hand. “I think we’re even.” He met her eyes. “Thank you.” He turned his head and his gaze fell upon his brother. “Is he . . .”
“Dead? Yes, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He pressed shaking fingers to his closed eyelids. “We should have seen this coming. He was always so furious, constantly blaming everyone else but himself for his shortcomings. He shamed my parents at every possible opportunity but they loved him and hoped it was a phase he was going through.” Parker opened his eyes, fixed them on her. “My father feels so guilty to have passed down his Time-Walker gene to us that it was difficult for him to punish us for anything. And Joshua didn’t help the situation; he used any and every opportunity to rub my father’s nose in it.” He turned his gaze to his brother and said softly, “It’s better this way .”
Maya got to her feet, then crouched beside Parker and helped him rise. “Where are your servants?” she asked, thinking she could use their help.
“I sent them away with my parents. I didn’t want Joshua to use them against me or my parents. I didn’t think he’d get to you before I did. I’m sorry I underestimated him.” His gaze was sombre but sincere.
Maya simply nodded. “Can you lead me to them? I could cure you all but I will need to rest between healings.”
Parker looked shocked. “You would help us?”
“If I can, yes. You had a genuine reason to be looking for me; it isn’t your fault that your brother didn’t share that quality.”
Parker cleared his throat. His voice was caught with emotion as he said, “They aren’t very far from here. It shouldn’t take very long to have us all healed.” He looked down, met her gaze. “Thank you, Maya.”
Again, she simply nodded. She helped him out of the room and down the stairs. Maya thought of the price Parker had paid to save his parents; he had lost his twin brother. She felt her throat tighten at the thought that she had no such friend or family in her life. She shook her head. She was a being of magic and there was nothing she could do about it. She would help Parker and his family and take a little time to heal herself.
Then, once again, she would be on the run. Maybe one day she could stop and have a family and friends of her own.
Maybe.

Hey, this was great! I wasn't going to read it if it was long, but I couldn't help reading the first paragraph anyway. It drew me in and I couldn't stop. Seriously, this was very interesting. I didn't catch any grammar or spelling mistakes, and your wording was easy and made sense. It was a little bit confusing when you explained that Joshua was the hunter. After Joshua and Maya left you were describing Parker's feelings. Parker was wondering if his twin had discovered what he'd done. I thought Joshua was the one who did something? You made it sound like Parker felt guilty about something, but then you never explained what. Also, at the end of the story Maya suddenly trusted Parker. She had been super nervous with Joshua, so why was it so much easier to trust Parker? Was it just because he had saved her life, or had she just not trusted Joshua because she had some type of magical instinct that told her he was bad? Oh, and when Parker found the footprint in the sand with the knife sticking out of it, that didn't make sense. Did Maya get stuck in the sand because of Parker's knife? You might want to explain that more, because I'm still confused. Anyway, those are just my comments. I liked the story and it caught my attention and made me want to keep reading. Good job, keep writing.

YO.

I don't think I've ever read this before, but that's a good thing, I guess. You did say you wanted a fresh set of eyes to read this, and mine are as fresh as they get. You see bug flew into them earlier, which made them water, and therefore, they were freshened by my tears of pain.

Okay, so I liked this, Tanya! You're really good with the fantasy stuff, I must say. After reading this, it's made me want you to write/post some more of MGD even more because I really am a fan of your writing. xD I especially liked your descriptions at the beginning of this story. You created the perfect atmosphere with them, and I instantly got an idea of the rush Maya was in as well as what she looked like. I also like the fact that you jumped straight into the action instead of writing some bland intro or anything. Basically, UROCK.

As for critiques, I think I have some, but my thought process is a bit whacked up right now because I hardly slept last night, but hey, I'll try my best to make what I say actually make sense.

My first critique is about when we first saw Joshua. After reading the whole thing, I obviously realised what his intentions and such were, but at first, he seemed to be... I don't know... strangely calm about the whole situation, I guess. I mean, judging by your wonderful descriptions at the beginning of the story, I imagined that Maya's appearance was very dishevelled, she was clearly filled with panic e.t.c. I guess it just seems odd to me that when Joshua saw her, he asked her if she needed help in a way that seemed completely calm. When there's some frantic girl yanking at her leg who I assumed would have a dishevelled appearance, it would seem rather obvious that she did, in fact, need help. It's kind of like asking someone who's just been hit by a car going at 70mph and is bleeding to death if they're okay or something. xD

Obviously, by the time the story had finished, I realised that Joshua had probably said all that so he came across as a nice guy e.t.c. but yeah... I know this is probably just me being a complete pillock, but the scene where Maya and Joshua meet seems kind of odd to me when it comes to what was said and junk. In the end, it just makes Joshua seem a bit wooden at the start, I suppose. I'm most likely talking about nonsense here, but hey, that's me for you.

Now onto the other twin! I'm not 100% sure on what to make of Parker. At first, he seemed evil (which I'm guessing was what you wanted), but him and his intentions seemed to take a sudden U-turn. It seemed like that to me, anyway. You could argue that his intentions are never made entirely clear at the beginning, but you made him out to be really evil, and then within a short moment, he seemed to be the really good guy. I guess the transformation was too sudden for someone as simple minded as me. The problem this causes is that I'm not that sure whether I like him or not. I guess I'm edging towards liking him because of what he does at the end, but I'm a bit confused about what his intentions were throughout different parts of the story, so I'm a bit like... ¬_¬ about him.

The other thing I want to mention is probably me being biased because, in all honesty, I've never been a huge fan of fantasy short stories. I love fantasy novels though, on the other hand, because there's always plenty of time to explain things without it seeming to rushed or anything. The problem I was having here was that it kind of felt like I'd been thrown into this unknown world that I know nothing about. I mean, what is Maya exactly? Is she literally just a magical being? If so, what is that exactly? What can she actually do? Can she only heal people and stuff? Or is there more to it than that? What about her background? How does she, like, exist and how long has she existed?

The issue with all of what I'm saying is the fact that this is a short story, so it's insanely difficult to be able to give your readers this information without it feeling like a huge info-dump. That's why I'm not keen on fantasy short stories, I think. Fantasy often entails a lot of made-up stuff, therefore, it means a lot of information that needs to be given, so doing that in a so few words is hard. In general though, I think you have done a good job of it.

I kind of want you to make this into a novel or something, to be honest... >.< From the brief information you gave us, their lives sound really interesting. I'd love to find out more about Maya and who/what she is exactly, but hey, I'm a biased person and I've always preferred novels to short stories. Nonetheless, this was definitely one of the short stories that I've very much enjoyed reading, so kudos to you for that.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hi Tanya! :3 Here to review! It doesn't matter how many times you post anything, I'm still coming by to review

Anyways, let's get on with it, shall we?

I don't know why I'm compelled to review about the things I end up throwing into my reviews, but this is one of those occasions. I want to talk a little about suspense, especially in the first section of the story. We have Maya, full of fear, attempting to escape a pursuer. The pace of the story, then, ought to reflect that in order to accentuate those same feelings of being afraid and scrambling through the forest to the reader.

Maya ran, branches slapping at her face, bushes snagging the soft cotton of her long white dress. Her heartbeat echoed the sound of her bare feet hitting the ground.

One thing to do is to cut down longer sentences into shorter ones. Having sentences short and cut gives the feeling of being rushed. So:
Maya ran. Branches slapped at her face and bushes snagged the soft cotton of her long white dress. Her heartbeat echoed the sound of her bare feet hitting the ground.

Changing tenses around a little also has an effect. To me, at least, "slapped" and "snagged" sound a lot more...violent per say than "slapping" and "snagging". But then again maybe that's just me. Ha!

As blood trickled down her cheek and mixed with the sweat pouring down her face, Maya realised in a panic that she wasn’t healing from her cuts and bruises.

When trying to write suspense/action it's also good to remove certain words that slow the pace of the story down. "As" is one of those words. If we remove it from this sentence, and throw an "and" in after "face" then we still have a fully functioning sentence but it sounds much more immediate to the reader, adding to the feel of the passage.

It might also benefit this sentence to cut it into two shorter sentences, as well as give more "showing" to Maya's realization. Rather than saying she realized it, show that she realized it. It holds the reader into the story, and puts them right with what Maya is feeling, allowing them to experience her emotions with her and deepening their bond. For example:
Blood trickled down her cheek and mixed with the sweat pouring down her face. She gasped as the realization spread over her that her cuts and bruises weren't healing.

She suddenly felt a stitch piercing her side and she stumbled to her knees.

"suddenly" is another one of those words that take away from the action. The event of the stitch piercing her side appears suddenly in the story on it's own, and doesn't particularly need the word suddenly to make it seem so. The same goes for most adverbs.

So, in a nutshell, for suspense/action scenes:
1. Consider shorter/cut sentences to emphasize tension/rushing.
2. Leave out unnecessary wordage (such as adverbs) that take away from the focus of the scene.
3. Show the important emotions/reactions of a character rather than tell them, allow the reader to experience them along with the character.

The view would have been breathtaking, if she’d had any breath to spare.

I've probably said this before, but I adore this line. :3

She froze. What if Joshua had been the hunter all along? Her mind recoiled at the thought but part of her knew it made sense. It was easier to bring her here on her own two feet than drag her unwilling body along.

I feel like she needs to have this realization a little later, after hearing Joshua and Parker talk to each other a bit. It doesn't seem realistic that she would jump to this thought at that moment.

Jumping back to the start of the story again for this one:

His father had spent his lifetime searching for the elusive Maya, until he was too old and weak. And now, it was within the hunter’s grasp to bring Maya to him. To show him what he was worth.

This is supposed to be Parker, the good one. Yet he has these thoughts of showing his father what he [Parker] is worth, when that motivation never crops up again in the story. Plus, it makes him look bad, when he's supposed to be a good guy xD

Overall, I liked it a lot! Particularly the end of the story. I know in previous versions she contemplated having a life with Parker, but it was always a bit unrealistic for her to even think that. This way is much more realistic and while it's sad that Maya can never settle down, I think it's a good ending.

Great job, and good luck in the contest!!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

Hello!

The first paragraph was okay. I sort of feel that it could be better. It has the feel of wanting to angle for a dynamic, grabbing intro, and it sort of is – but… Could be more dynamic? I don’t like the word ‘ran’. It’s such an ordinary word. It just fails to channel her desperate situation, I guess. Ran ran ran.

“blood trickled” isn’t exactly that much of a new phrase. Idk, maybe I use it myself too much, but lately I see it a lot. And maybe that’s why I was a bit disappointed to see me here.

Now, these two, while okay, weighed negatively for you story. And then depleted magic/not healing was mentioned, and I was hooked. So it turned out alright, because I read on – it’s not that it seemed bad, just – ordinary, you know. Nothing “wow! I wanna read more, gimme more”. The magic depleted magic/not healing was mentioned, and I was hooked. So it turned out alright, because I read on – it’s not that it seemed bad, just – ordinary, you know. Nothing “wow! I wanna read more, gimme more”. The magic depletion thing did the trick, but before it was – alright, if I’m reading, I can read on.

Later on, the pronouns stand out. If we circled every ‘she’, we’d have a red mess. I guess all those ‘she’s’ stab the dynamics of the scene, which should rush forward faster, I think. It’s a nice scene, it has nice phrasing, it does move forward, but the “she” – the whole thing stumbles a bit over every “she”. Or at least for me, when I started noticing that one word. And I’m nto supposed to notice words, btu pictures painted by them!!

Quote:
A step before reaching it, she dropped to the sandy beach, screaming.
Ooh, I liked this. Sort of a cliff-hanger.

In the hunter interlude, repetition of ‘Finally’ was intentional? I disliked it.

But I enjoyed the hunter scene. I truly did. Info had been given (his goal plus reasons for pursuing the goal) without infodumps, and I hadn’t been told all. Very very nice. Very well handled.

One thing that I noticed was Maya Maya Maya she she she. It turns awkward.

Quote:
Her pain forgotten as she reacted instinctively,
Eh, cliché. Her pain forgotten?

Quote:
Maya wanted to throw caution to the wind and say yes, but it wasn’t in her nature to trust anyone she just met.
Cheater! Cheater! You just told, not showed. Worse! Informed!!!

Quote:
Maya felt like slapping her forehead at her choice of words

Alright, something’s wrong here. She has a hunter behind her, she’s trying desperately to escape, etc., etc. And she wants to slap her forehead for – what, chatting with a stranger. And, to her, doesn’t it seem odd that he appeared?
The part where the word ‘trust’ was thrown and I called you cheater. Fill the word and make it mean something in this story – make Maya think this through a bit, and let the reader see it.

This seems a bit of a ridiculous scene to me. She doesn’t – really, she should be yelling YES YES HELP MEEEEEEE. Maybe weigh the fact that he could be the enemy (uhuh, brother dearest), but against the fact that behind here is the hunter…
One begins to wonder how she survived this long.

At the blood thing, she’s “shocked”. Really, she comes off as stupid. What I think is, she needs to me stylized as more of a sympathy worthy character. Yeah, yeah, she’s running, she’s clearly the victim – but…

quote:
Maya nodded. “I’ve heard of you.”
She comes off as stupid here, somehow. I mean, to this point, I like Joshua’s character. I loved the hunter part. I just – don’t like her!!!!! I was like, die already. She accepts everything so easily. It’s not even trust here – it’s… passive accepetance. “Maya nodded. Maya accepted the rebuke” etc.

Hmm. I just don’t like her reactions and at times lack of reaction… I think she loses a lot as a character because of this. I skimmed a review above, and Laruen makes a point about what actually Maya is. It’s a good point.
Actually, my raving against Maya applies mostly to the Joshua scene. After actually time-traveling, I do begin do like her more. Mayeb because she actually begins to think, and act.

I enjoyed the twist at the end – who doesn’t like a good twist, and it was well one, I think.


Quote:
If he tried to harm her, she would be out of his grasp forever. Humans could not harm beings of magic.
Ooh I love these little tidbits.

Quote:
If you haven’t healed yourself already, it is that your magic is depleted.
Hey, about the very same thing using the very same words?

Quote:
Had his twin discovered what he’d done?

Ooh. I chose this quote because at the end, I wanted to say that this foreshadowing thing is excellent. The tension in this story is great (except when Maya liquidates it in the Joshua scene). The praise applies to the story’s pace, too. But I like the hinting, which was very well done. It encouraged to read on, it sort of tantalized and teased

Your review, my dear. ^^ Congratulations again on winning my blog contest. You deserve it.

Disclaimer: Reviewing makes me sarcastic. And attemptively witty. And occasionally snarky. XD And I tend to point out the negatives more than the positives, but I'll do my best to stay neutral and look at both sides of the scale.

"bushes snagging the soft cotton of her long white dress." -- Do bushes snag? Cotton snags on bushes, but does it work the other way around?

"Her heartbeat echoed the sound of her bare feet hitting the ground." I like this line. ^^

"Maya realised in a panic that she wasn’t healing from her cuts and bruises. It meant that her magic was nearly depleted and she needed to stop and rest." -- A little tell-y. Maybe incorporate it a bit more smoothly, and really get us inside Maya's head? Saying that 'she realizes' keeps us one step out from the story, but with something more like this... "Blood trickled down her cheek and mixed with the sweat pouring down her face. The cut should've healed by now; her reserves of magic must've been lower than she'd thought. She'd have to stop and rest soon. But the hunter was close on her heels." See how that brings us a little closer in, showing us more of Maya's thoughts? At the same time, it makes things feel a little more urgent.

"She suddenly felt a stitch piercing her side and she stumbled to her knees" Again. Really bring us into her head. Saying 'she felt' inturrupts. We already know we're with Maya. It would be just as good if not better to say something more like, "A stitch pierced her side and she stumbled to her knees."

"Her chest heaved, trying to inhale deep breaths--" As implied by her heaving chest.

"--and she found that the air tasted slightly salty, accentuating her need for water." Accentuating is more like a word you'd use to describe a piece of clothing in relation to a model's slender neck. Remember the power of connotations associated with certain words. I'd choose something more urgent here. "The air tasted salty, stoking the coals of her dry throat into a fire of thirst." Meh. Bad example. But hopefully you understand what I mean. Something like that would keep the mood a little more, at least in my opinion.

"When she was able to take a deep breath, she rose shakily, flipping the heavy length of her hair over her shoulder. She looked up and realised she had finally escaped the forest as she was met with the bright blue stillness of the ocean. The view would have been breathtaking, if she’d had any breath to spare.

For a full precious moment, she inhaled the salty smell of the ocean, tilted her head back and let the breeze cool her clammy skin. She watched the ebb and flow of the gentle tide and realised that if she walked in water, her footsteps would immediately be erased."
This paragraph is a mixed bag for me. The first sentence, what with its hair-flipping and realizations, feels less urgent than everything that came before it. She seems to have forgotten that she's running for her life. I do like that line, though. "Would've been breathtaking, if she'd had any breath to spare." Then she starts to savor the moment, again forgetting that she's being hunted. Since she seems familiar with hunters, I would assume she's used to eluding them, right?
So maybe, she smells the salt which makes her thirsty. "Salt?" she thinks. Breaks through the trees and spots the ocean. Maybe a split second of '8D' (But no watching of the gentle tide. Gentle tide makes us forget this is a chase scene) followed by the 'No footsteps' realization and back-in-action mode.

"Propelled by hope and determination, Maya strode forward, her eyes on the shoreline. A step before reaching it, she dropped to the sandy beach, screaming." Funny. I would've thought she'd be propelled by a desire to, you know, NOT DIE. XD She's not going to 'stride' nobley. She's going to run. Or, since she hurt her leg, she's ideally going to limp. Or hobble. Something more desperate than 'stride'.

"He stared at the knife protruding from the partial footstep in the ground. Until now, Maya had kept to hard surfaces, bodies of water and thick grass" Why did he stab her footprint, exactly? And if she's been using water to elude him this whole time, shouldn't that have been her first thought at the sight of the ocean? (Meaning she should've been more relieved than surprised and filled with awe at the beauty of it all).

First he stabs her footprint... Then he tastes it. o.o And he knows her name. This hunter is a creeper. O.O

"Finally, he was reaching his goal. He would capture her before the end of the day. An image of his father flashed before his eyes. His father had spent his lifetime searching for the elusive Maya, until he was too old and weak. And now, it was within the hunter’s grasp to bring Maya to him. To show him what he was worth." This is another section that's a little tell-y. Instead of saying straight out that his dad searched for her his whole life until he got too old, why not give us a mental picture of dear old dad? Some thoughts along the lines of "Finally, I'll succeed where he failed." Blabbity blah. There are lots of interesting ways you could bring this across.

Wouldn't he take his knife with him? XD Considering he's, you know, hunting?

"Maya twisted her ankle when she landed on it and cried out involuntarily" I was a little confused before about the sudden 'drop n' scream.' Was her hurt leg from before coming back to bite her, or was something grabbing her wrist, or what? This beginning sentence not only seems to go backward a second to before the 'drop n' scream', but it's another one of those sentences that seems a bit stiff, like we've taken a step backward out of her head.

"her tears of frustration mingled with the sweat on her face" There was some blood mixed in here earlier, too, right?

"She silently cursed her bare feet but knew she didn’t have a choice; she needed direct contact with the earth to sustain her magic." So, wouldn't going barefoot be a normal thing for her?

"Her weak legs gave out and she dropped to the ground" Wasn't she already on the ground, unable to rise? Also, we can tell her legs are weak by the way they give out. I'm seeing again and again these words that are kind of redundant. Unnecessary, sometimes distracting, and adding unneccesary wordiness to your piece. Example: "She screamed loudly." As opposed to screaming softly? Go through and see if you can find instances where you're restating things unnecessarily, and edit them a bit. That should help make your piece a little more smooth.

I'm confused. Is one of her legs caught in some kind of sand-trap, or not? Because it doesn't seem like it in certain places...

"who looked barely older than she," Wait, wait, wait. Hunter said his daddy hunted her his whole life until he got too old to go on. But I'm getting a young teenager/woman vibe from Maya, and now she says this guy is barely older than she? Is she immortal, or is there more than one Maya, or are BOTH of these guys older than the hills, covered in wrinkles and liverspots? XD

"Maya wanted to throw caution to the wind and say yes, but it wasn’t in her nature to trust anyone she just met." These sentences seem contradictory to me. It's not in her nature, but it's her first impulse? Why does she want to trust him? Just because he's 'dark' and 'deep' and assumably handsome? Or does he give off a 'trustworthy' vibe? Or what?

"Something sagged inside her and she knew it to be ‘hope’, but she pushed it back, cursing herself for being so foolish; the stranger could do nothing for her." Sagged? Sagged = failing. But her hope isn't failing when she 'pushes it back'. I think you're looking for a different word.

You use the word 'dark' at least three times when talking about this guy. Find a thesaurus or a new way to describe him? Or else run the risk of turning this into a Twilight kind of thing, where Bella keeps going on and on about how 'chiseled' and 'gorgeous' Edward's ____ is. XD

"Her eyes were drawn to his serious gaze and she wondered why he looked so sombre." Dude. You're stuck in a hole(?), refusing help even though you desperately need it, and you essentially just told him to buzz off. Do you expect him to be whistling a jolly tune as he skips away merrily?

Why does he tell her right off the bat that Parker is his brother? If he's trying to gain her trust, that seems like the kind of thing you'd 'forget' to mention...

Another thing: their names. Maya. Joshua. Parker. What kind of world does this take place in? Because names could give the reader a good hint about the setting. In a fantasy world, making up names is fun. In olden days, choose olden names... These make me think of, uh, a modern-day highschool? Right now all I know about this world is that there are oceans... and forests. Next to each other.

"cut through his open left palm" Cut through it? Like, THROUGH it? As in, point goes in one side and comes out the other? I think I know what you mean (slicing lengthwise in one quick gesture, just like in the movies), but wording it this way sounds a bit odd.

"She was frozen in complete confusion and could not for the life of her sock him for touching her." Then what was the point of all that preperation a second ago? She seems like a runner first, but a fighter when she has to. I understand that she might hesitate and go "Blood? o.O Why'd he cut his own hand?" But there's a difference between confusion-repulsion and confusion-starry-eyed-"Oh, a man is touching my ankle and he's hot! *-* " The way you have it worded now, I think it sounds more like the latter. Can I get a little more repulsion please?

"Instinctively, Joshua slashed his knife at her" - Why didn't he 'instinctively' try to stop her from CLAWING HIS FACE? Also, it didn't seem like he wanted to hurt her, so why go after her with the knife? Why not drop the knife and try to grab her instead?

"If he tried to harm her, she would be out of his grasp forever. Humans could not harm beings of magic" - Which didn't stop her from freaking out at the sight of the knife before... It also doesn't stop her from being afraid of the hunter following her.

"His expression incredulous, Joshua lifted a hand to his cheek" He seems to have very slow reactions. Wouldn't this be one of the first things he does?

WHY DOESN'T SHE TURN AND RUN AWAY IF HE COULD SAY THE WORDS THAT BIND(?) HER AT ANY SECOND? XD

"She couldn’t anticipate his next move, couldn’t guess what he was thinking..." I can. Not much. XD Not after that slow reaction... Shouldn't he have expected something like that to begin with?

She seems rather adapted to talking to people. Are there people she talks to, or is she always alone? She doesn't strike me as the type of girl who'd have that many friends. And I'm still not certain exactly what kind of world this is.

I guess the age thing makes a little more sense now that I'm halfway through the story, but...

"“We walk through time without aging but once we return home, our age catches up frightfully fast." Then why go home? XD Why not just keep time-walking until he finds her? And doesn't this mean that when Joshua and Parker go home, they too are going to be frightfully old?

"I will not coerce you.” Isn't convincing the same as coercing? And he is, in fact, trying to convince/coerce her into coming with him. XD

"Maya thought over his question as quickly and thoroughly as possible but in the end, she knew she’d go. After all, he had helped her, and asked only a favour in return" Um. YOU JUST CLAWED HIS FACE. You haven't really trusted him at all much up to this point. He waved a knife at you (although that was because you CLAWED HIS FACE). And doesn't his 'favor' have something to do with the whole thing she's trying to avoid -- being possessed? She forgets very quickly that his DAD, THE PERSON SHE'S GOING TO HELP, was ALSO hunting her for a long time, probably not for the best reasons. What happens after she helps him? "Thanks for making me young again! 8D Now, it's time for a little POSSESSION! >8D" XD

"“If you haven’t healed yourself already, it is that your magic is depleted" - This sentence sounds a bit awkward.

"was able to anchor her feet" -- her swollen, injured feet? What exactly is she anchoring them to?

"“My brother is older by a few minutes and that is the only thing he’s done right of his life. I’ve always been better, faster and stronger than Parker and my father obviously favours me.” Joshua opened the door to let Maya in. “That never sat well with Parker who outdid himself trying to gain our father’s attention. As the years have gone by, my brother has become more violent and volatile.” Joshua paused and Maya could see he was clearly upset over his brother’s rage. “A few weeks ago, Parker got into a fight with our father and he struck him.” His voice had gone quiet, flat. “Father was so shocked and scared that something happened to his heart and he’s been unable to move. My mother is inconsolable and terrified that Parker will go even further next time.”
Woah, boy. Infodump. Why is being older 'right'? That's not even a thing one can do voluntarily. Was I 'wrong' to be born after my sister? The part about being better, faster stronger makes Joshua sound conceited, where I think you want him to be more likable, right? Is there a way to bring this into the story more smoothly, without just rattling it off like a plot summary?

"Maya felt her heart leap as she realised Joshua had saved her from being subjected to Parker’s anger. She let her gratitude shine in her eyes as she turned to him. “Enough said; let’s go see what I can do for your father.”
Ick. Girl-on-the-run, who's been hiding from hunters her whole life(?), please be a LITTLE more skeptical. A LITTLE less trusting. And a LITTLE more mindful of the fact that HIS DAD WAS HUNTING YOU, TOO.

"His face was etched in deep shadows and suddenly, he was foreign to her, his face no longer recognisable" -- Well... That's dramatic. And, uh... A little cliche? XD Might it be a little more powerful if the creepy horror-movie shadows go away, and it's the same face she's been seeing this whole time, as matter-of-fact as if he'd just suggested they have a cup of tea? This kind of transformation feels too... forced(?) Deliberately dramatic? It just makes me think of shows I've seen where the villain in shadows gives his evil laugh, "MWAHAHAHAHAA!!!" XD

That said, I think you have a good base for the transition between the feelings associated with these two characters. Starts out with Parker in the negative, and Joshua in the positive. I noticed a few hints that made me doubt Joshua (maybe make them a bit more subtle later, but like I said, this is a good base) and the snippet from Parker's POV made me think he didn't sound as bad after all. And then we get hit with this, and it's not totally unbelievable. Again, work on making the transition a little more subtle if you want to really swipe the reader off their feet, but this is a good start. ^^

"She froze. What if Joshua had been the hunter all along?" No duh.

"than drag her unwilling body along." Does this mean she can still resist, even after she gets 'possessed'?

"His grip was painful and she flinched, her gaze on Parker. Could she depend on him to help her?" Her flinching will show us without the extra words that his grip was painful (like I said before). As for her depending on Parker... Why is she depending on anyone right now? From what I know of her lifestyle, she should be a pretty independent person, and yet she keeps latching onto these guys. She might as well be screaming "Take care of meeee!!! O.O"

I'd like to see Maya stronger. Tougher. Tell her to suck it up. Grit her teeth and put up with pain. Your scenes could mostly play out the same way, but your character is going to be more likable, and your reader will be more likely to root for her. For instance, in this scene, she could still be looking at Parker warily, but it would be less "Oh no he caught me now I can't fight, oopsie." and more "No matter how hard she tried, her muscles would not move. She couldn't turn and fight, or even run." She'll have zero control of her own body, and no choice but to trust him.

"She jerked forward at his command, raised her hands and set them on his chest, either side of the wound. She heard Parker’s furious battle cry and out of the corner of her eye, she saw him raise his knife and charge" Parker's reactions are as slow as Joshua's. Why did he pause long enough for her to reach Joshua? Either Joshua should be running to her to get healed, while still fending off Parker, or Parker should be saying something to fill the gap (trying to convince him to stop, or something). But the pause between his actions here is just a tad too long.

"scorching her skin from the inside out" -- Magic knife? It scorches her... And it's coming from inside her? :/

"He charged and in one swift gesture, he brought his knife down, intent on killing her, but slipping between them, Parker pushed her away and caught the blow in his back. Parker immediately crumpled to the floor, his spine severed, the knife still protruding." Okay, now I'm confused by the whole 'Humans can't hurt magic beings' thing you mentioned earlier. They physically can't, or they morally shouldn't, or...? What would the consequences would've been? Is her magic still depleted, and that's why she's not fighting back, or what?

"felt Joshua’s feelings of horror mingling with deep satisfaction." She can feel his feelings? Then why didn't she feel that he was gonna betray her?! Or do you mean that she can tell how he feels because of his expression, or action, or...?

Why did he let her get hurt if that takes his power off her? He only HAD that power over her for like, two minutes. Wouldn't he have wanted to keep it a bit longer than that?

I like Joshua's dying paragraph... Maybe a little more detail and getting into her head would help to add some more emotion and that urgency I'd love to see more in this piece, but it's pretty good as is...

Wasn't her magic, like gone? I guess she kind of has an adrenaline rush, but this still seems like some pretty high-level stuff...

That's a very tender moment she shares with Parker... Considering they've never met, or spoken directly to each other, and Parker's knife was the one that got her shoulder accidentally. XD

"“We should have seen this coming. He was always so furious, constantly blaming everyone else but himself for his shortcomings. He shamed my parents at every possible opportunity but they loved him and hoped it was a phase he was going through.” Parker opened his eyes, fixed them on her. “My father feels so guilty to have passed down his Time-Walker gene to us that it was difficult for him to punish us for anything. And Joshua didn’t help the situation; he used any and every opportunity to rub my father’s nose in it.” He turned his gaze to his brother and said softly, “It’s better this way .”"
Woah, boy. Infodump. I realize that it might be hard to find a way to get into the brothers' backstory without doing something like this, but at the very least make it sound a little more natural, and less like a summary of their psychiatric profiles. XD

And then after she heals the boys' father, he grabs her and says the words and possesses her exactly as he'd been trying to do his whole life! >8D
XD
Sorry, but that really bothers me, that we don't get any hints as to why their dad wanted to find her (selfish reasons? noble reasons? Maybe he wanted to use her to figure out how he and his wife ended up with such overwhelmingly evil/good-to-the-core kids?) or any implications that he's since given up that dream...

So in the last lines, we do see that she feels isolated. But like I mentioned before, she's pretty talkative for someone who avoids human company. If she's alone, and if she's used to taking care of herself, bring that through in the writing. Make her stronger! Tougher! Able to stand on her own two feet instead of depending on the big strong *cough evil cough* guy next to her.

This could be a really good story... It just needs a little more polishing, and maybe some rethinking of a few minor points. You said you've done a couple versions already? I'm sure you've improved since the first one, and the writing in this isn't half bad. Past a certain point, my main focus turned to some plot holes that you'll easily be able to sew up tight in another draft. You had some really good one-liners in there, especially toward the beginning... And again, I like the shift you're trying to bring across in the way we think of the two brothers throughout the story.

To take it a step farther, maybe think about the character Maya a little more. How does she start out? In this draft, scared, desperate, tired, panicked... As we go throughout the story, I started to get more annoyed with her, and in the end... *shrug* The scene where she killed Joshua was cool. But instead of going for a Weak-to-Strong shift in character development, I would explore the idea you introduce in your last lines a little more? In the beginning, make her strong and independent and a little socially-stunted (still tired and desperate, but a little less whiney and a little more growley about it). Then, after a SUBTLE shift toward trusting Joshua, the betrayal, and a renewed feeling that the only person she can trust is herself. And then Parker sacrifices himself to save her and we see another SUBTLE shift - a thought that maybe there are some people who can be trusted, and maybe she doesn't always have to be alone...
*shrug* Those are my thoughts on what would've made her more likable to me, at least. :]

This is a good base. I like where it's going, I think it has a lot of potential... There are just a few things that could be rethought and polished to a shine to make this story the best it can be.

Keep writing. ^^

And uh, sorry for my overzealous sarcasm. XD It's fun for me, but sometimes I worry it's coming across as more mean than light-hearted, which is not what I'm going for at all. XD