Young Writers Society

((I'm not sure if this should be continued or not, so I am posting this as a short story. Also, when I clicked preview the text came out in block format...))
A chunk of rock floated millions of league in the sky, its bottom was jagged and rigged, but its top a perfectly smooth surface. On this chunk of rock stood two sword-masters. One of them was Darkheart, the most evil, gruesome sword-master of all. He was known for his sword, pitch black like his own heart, which can instantly kill with but a single touch. This sword was the most feared, and could probably take over all the goodness in this world.
And the other sword-master? His name was Illumina. The reason he was standing on that rock platform was to eliminate Darkheart once and for all. Illumina was known for his sword also, a gleaming marble marvel that had a sparkly glow to it. This sword was not nearly as powerful as Darkheart’s, even though many thought it was. But the real power behind it was the skill of its master.
“You’re a dreamer, Illumina.” Said Darkheart with a stern, deep voice, “Most likely not an intellect, to challenge me. There’s still time to surrender.” Illumina stood tall, and replied.
“I will never back down, foul, wicked creature! I shall stand for what is right!” Darkheart chuckled and started gradually walking toward Illumina.
“Very well.” He said and took a lunge with his sword. Illumina intercepted, and slashed back at him. Darkheart was fast, but not this time. Illumina had chopped his left hand clean off. Instead of hollering in pain, Darkheart spoke light-heartedly.
“I fight with both hands.” Darkheart grabbed his sword with his other hand. Illumina slashed at his sword, trying to knock it off. Darkheart’s grip was tight, and instead Illumina’s sword was out of his hands, and falling down from the skies into nonexistence. Darkheart kicked him in the stomach, and the heroic sword-master staggered backwards. Darkheart gripped his sword hard, and stabbed vigorously.

Hi JP here,

One thing first. Although there are no strict policies about posting, you should really have an idea of whether this contributes to a novel or whether it is a standalone piece. It's not too difficult to work out what it falls under, I mean do you think you tell the whole story here? It's also difficult to critique when you don't give us an idea what it is. In novels we are looking out for different things; we want to see round relatable characters, we want to see a well established premise, we don't care to much about the plot or denouement this early so we won't look out for them. With short stories more weight is placed on themes and resolution. We expect the story convey a message, which we can understand, if not feel. Also give it a title, you can always change your mind later. [/rant]

I will treat this as a short story because if your not sure what it is it's probably more likely to fit under this category.

The16thHobbit wrote: A chunk of rock floated millions of league in the sky,

Who measures things in league? and a million? Just put it in space. It really does nothing as is.

its bottom was jagged rockand rigged, but its top was a perfectly smooth surfaceand on it, facing each other stood two armoured swordsman. On this chunk of rock stood two sword-masters. One of them was Darkheart, the most evil, gruesome sword-master of all, held. He was known for his dark-steel sword, pitch black like his own heart, which,with just a touch can instantly kill with but a single touch. This sword was the most feared, and could probably take over all the goodness in this world.

This entire paragraph tells us everything, but shows little. What you want to do is use all sensors to take the reader there. You want to describe not only how it looks but, is it eerie? is it cold? is it dark? Does Darkheart feel a surge of power as he gribs his heavy sword? You must make a habit of showing and not telling. There are plenty of exercises to develop this. Check 'writers corner' and the forums.

And the other sword-master? Who would dare challenge the dark master His name was Illumina. The reason he was standing on that rock platform was to eliminate Darkheart once and for all.

Why does he want to kill him? here you can put something like: "And today he would finally avenge his father" or whatever you want.

Illumina was known for his sword also, a gleaming marble marvel that had a sparkly glow to it carried a radiant glow. This sword was not nearly as powerful as Darkheart’s, even though many thought it was. But the real power behind it was the skill of its master. Though others believed Illumina drew his power from the sword, it was his mastery that earned him such reverence.

“You’re a dreamer, Illumina.” Said Darkheart with a stern, deep voice, “Most likely not an intellect, to challenge me. There’s still time to surrender.” Illumina stood tall, and replied.

make him laugh, bad guys laugh when they face resistance.

I will begin with the positives. You seem to have a good idea of where this is heading. You have created two contrasting characters that have a mildly compelling confrontation. You also have a fantastic imagination and there was something unexpected about how it all ended.

Now the negatives. Show don't tell. Write it down on the back of your hand when you are writing. Do what you have to to make this habit. I'm no grammar nazi so I won't bother, because for the most part I didn't see a great deal of mistakes - but that's not to say there weren't many . As I mentioned earlier you should get an idea of whether its a short story or part of a long one. You should plan everything you write. Even if only write a synopsis and write a character or two. Because if you do plan you will know where it's going. You will know about how long you require to tell the story/get your point across.

For now you can call it a short story because somewhere beneath its flaws lies a basic story.

Anyway hope this helps if you have any questions or want any more explanation/advice don't hesitate to message me - and welcome to YWS!

JP

Hai!

I think that you have a pretty good start here, I say start because there's still so much more we don't know. We have only the slightest glimpse into the charcters and setting. We also don't really know the plot leading up to the fight. In fact, looking at it, we know very little. I think you can definitely continue it and explore the story a little more.

As for what you have so far, I have a little nitpick here:

“You’re a dreamer, Illumina.” Said Darkheart with a stern, deep voice, “Most likely not an intellect, to challenge me. There’s still time to surrender.” Illumina stood tall, and replied.
“I will never back down, foul, wicked creature! I shall stand for what is right!” Darkheart chuckled and started gradually walking toward Illumina.

The part where I highlighted in blue, looks a bit out of place to me. I think that you should put it on the next line with Illumina's reply. Because that's usually how it is, I think.

Another thing I'd like to talk about is the dialogue. For me, the dialogue sounded a bit fake. I guess that might be because how tormenting one another in a fight is all kind of overused. I'd suggest you to think up of something more original and unique to put in. Just to write something a little different. But, if you choose not to change it, then it's fine as it is too.

Overall, very good start and I think that you can definitely continue writing more for it. Keep it up!

@JP
Now that you point it out, I really didn't "Show don't tell" here. I also think I didn't show any motivation on why this whole battle is occuring. If this was just the beginning to a novel, then perhaps that information could be answered later in the story... Thanks for the advice, this will really help me in my writing.
@MiRaCLeS
Yeah, I thought that sentence was a little out of place, too. I think I should rewrite this and maybe continue the story.

I like how you came up with names to match each person's sword. Like Illumia and Darkheart. Very creative, but I don't really understand when you said,

Darkheart stabbed viciously

I wonder really why he hated Illumia so much? but all of this is all very well done.

I don't go through and get the little things, like grammar and spelling, because if I did, this review would go on forever, but I'll tell you what I thought! Well, first off, I think the characters have good names, and like people have most likely mentioned before me, the fact that the sword matches their owner's heart is pretty cool. Keep going with this, and I assure you, this will be an interesting read.

My Major Nitpicks:

1. " a million league "
Im sorry, but please use correct plurals. It should read " a million leagues "

2. Please add more detail to the prolouge. I know that there are two people. I know their names. I want to know A.) why they are fighting, B.) how Darkheart got the sword, and C.) How the other person (sorry i forgot the name, i had a memory spasm) got the other sword.

3. Good story, but please add more detail!


You really should continue with this story. My criticism was meant only ( as all criticism should be meant for) to be constructive.

This was okay. I know I'm a newb and all but I really need to start reviewing pieces so here it goes.
I feel as though there wasn't enough emotion. How exactly did Illumina feel having his sword knocked out of his hands? How did it feel to be stabbed? Did Illumina die slowly and painfully or fast, with little pain at all? I'm just saying that showing a little emotion is nice. So yeah, I guess that's all for my crappy review.

Let's talk about dangling modifiers. Apparently, Darkheart's heart is as dark as his sword. It is also as deadly as his sword. So much so that, like his sword, it kills with one touch. While dangling modifiers are really funny to imagine (and probably can make up great weird stories) they're a tad confusing.
Also, when your characters are talking, they need their own paragraphs. One character talks, paragraph ends, other character talks, paragraph ends, other character instigates action. In your paragraph, Darkheart said something. A the end of his saying it, you put something that Illumina said. After he said what he said, you said that Darkheart chuckled. I was just skipping along and had no idea why Darkheart was saying Illumina was evil. I think it would be a great plot point if the evil person thought he was doing good, but you just had person confusion.
This was disappointing.
All in all, this didn't have a lot of impressing characteristics to draw me in. Are they just fighting because light purportedly fights darkness? What has Darkheart done to deserve to be killed? So far, all we have to prove he's evil is: His name sounds nasty and he's got a sword with the capability of destroying all the good in the world.
All in all, it's cliche. It is also quite an obvious cliche and the monologues are a bit unnatural. If you give these guys a backstory (you don't even have to present it, just write about each character and base their present actions on past events) and different names, like say, Marcus and Brad, it might work a bit better.
Also, something to think about: How the heck did these guys get on an asteroid?