Young Writers Society

I one eye slowly, afraid of what I was going to see. I thought maybe aliens or blue trees would be in Irbis, but turns out, the Irbains looked like normal human beings. It struck me as crazy how they looked exactly the same, but were so different. I looked over at Lillian. She flipped a piece of black hair behind her shoulder and dusted off her clothes.
"Is- is this Irbis?" I stuttered.
"Yeah. Why?" She looked at me as if I were stupid.
"It's a little," I paused and wrinkled my nose, "Normal."
Lillian raised her eyebrow.
"It looks too peaceful here," I said, "I thought evil Empress Sophia took over."
"She's trying to," Lillian said.
"I thought it would be all dark like in the movies or something," I sheilded my eyes from the birght sun.
"Movies are hogwash," Lillian created a ball of water in her hand and drank it casually.
I looked at Ryder, face down on the ground.
"Hey, Ryder," I bit my lip to keep from laughing, "Are you alive?"
Ryder looked up at me and frowned, "No. In fact, I'm not alive."
I sighed loudly, getting a quick whiff of roses.
We weren't on Earth anymore.

In the first sentence i meant to put "I opened one eye" sorry!

Hi!

I'm guessing this is an exerpt. Well, it worked. I really want to know what is going on in your book now .

I saw no major gramatical errors (other than the typo that you pointed out). I also already like Ryder.

The only thing that made me stop and read over it again was

cityofdragons wrote:I thought maybe aliens or blue trees would be in Irbis, but turns out, the Irbains looked like normal human beings.

Maybe it was just me, but it took me a while to figure out that we weren't talking about the landscape on Irbis (the blue trees messed me up). Now that I look over it more closely, it makes sence. Yea, I think that was a "me" issue. SORRY!

Keep writing,
--Bee--

Hello.

Just to let you know, in the top-right corner of your post there's an "edit" button that lets you fix typos or bad phrasing!

You have some major problems with dialogue punctuation here. Namely, you use a comma instead of a period far too often.

Anything that denotes action around dialogue is known as a "tag". I divide tags into two types: action and "said." Said tags are the only ones that require a comma. They usually come after the dialogue, and use the verb "said" or an equivalent. Examples of said tags in your work, which are properly punctuated:

"Is- is this Irbis?" I stuttered.
"It's a little," I paused and wrinkled my nose, "Normal."
"It looks too peaceful here," I said, "I thought evil Empress Sophia took over."

Just for future note, you can replace the second comma in the third sentence (It looks peaceful) with a period and it's still grammatically correct.

The other kind of tags, action tags, do not contain said. These kinds of tags do not need a comma, and it's grammatically incorrect to use one. Action tags can show up on either side of dialogue. Some examples of action tags in here:

"Yeah. Why?" She looked at me as if I were stupid.
"I thought it would be all dark like in the movies or something," I sheilded my eyes from the birght sun.
Ryder looked up at me and frowned, "No. In fact, I'm not alive."

The first sentence is grammatically correct, although I would change it so the tag was in front of the dialogue. The other two are not. There should be a period at the end of the dialogue of the second sentence, and a period at the end of "Ryder looked up at me and frowned."

Past the grammar, I'd like a lot more description in here. What's the background like? Are they in a forest, city, field? This is a new place, so you really should focus on giving readers a feel for it, even if this is chapter 3. It feels like the characters are talking in a void, which is not good. Give us some setting so we can be fully immersed in this world and be just as freaked out as the character that everything is so normal.

The hint of magic in here is another reason I'd like more description. Is she calling up water from the ground, or from the air, or is she just creating it with her own energy?

Your characters seem rather strong right now, which is rather nice. Just flesh out the scene so it's got more description and better grammar and you'll be well on your way.

Drop me a line if you have any questions.

~Rosey