Young Writers Society

“Ashlin, hurry. We must go now,” Papa said, his voice a hushed tone in their small apartment.
“But, why?” she asked. Why did they have to go? It was Saturday.
She shifts restlessly in her unconscious state.
Suddenly, a blinding light was shone on her, and her papa screamed, “No! Don’t take her. Leave me this one memory of Ashley. Please,” he pleaded in desperation, a hopeless plea useless to the merciless ones as they snatched a squirmy child from his arms.
“Papa! Papa! Help!” she screamed.
“It’s gonna be okay, baby.” The lie left his lips as he tried hard not to cry. “I’ll make you a bargain,” her papa yelled to her kidnappers. His voice was hoarse.
Twenty-two now, I do not know who I am or whom I was. I was told my parents died in a car crash when I was just two, and told on a different occasion by a stranger on the street that my dad just disappeared one day.
As a child, I used to imagine them watching me from the shadows and it often did feel as if I had a mysterious stalker following me around. It was this thought that made me strive for perfection, to become the grown up whom I hoped they would have wanted their little girl to be.
The letter came on May sixteenth, the paper yellowed and the graphite letters faded, but I didn’t open it until the twentieth when it rammed against my face while I was driving to the office in my penciled secretarial business attire.
Demand to borrow a pencil from- the rest was an illegible scribble in a shape of what seemed to be a fairy or butterfly. Disturbingly, the scribbles were written in blood, and I didn’t even use pencils excluding the standardized tests I had to take as a child. I was an anxiety attack at the office that day, glancing in every direction every few minutes. While sipping coffee and jotting down meaningless words for Stan I often found myself thinking about the letter and what kind of sick creature would send something like that and who was I supposed to borrow this supposed pencil from. Could it be my secret stalker? I laughed at the thought during a meeting, and got a disapproving scowl from Stan.
At the end of that day, Stan pulled me over to his office. Behind the closed doors, he smiled his lawyer grin.
“What’s up? You’re all antsy today,” he paused for a moment and hesitantly said, “Ashlin, have you received any- strange parcels.”
Goosebumps plagued my arms, and I might have jumped a little. I did not show fear though, instead I put on a poker face and said confidently, “Define… strange.”
“Ashlin, do you believe in alternate dimensions?”
“Stan, you’re kidding me, right?” I raised my eyebrows, and Stan raised his human incognito.
His translucent skin was a minty green color with vines tattooed all over it. When he licked his lips with his pointy tongue, a row of shark-like teeth were revealed. Deciding whether to run or scream, I let out a hoar
se cry. He touched my hand, and for the first time I noticed how bony it was. The office desk faded and I began to regret that I hadn’t run. Ancient trees with metallic leaves dangling from their branches appeared, and we were in a whole other world.
“Such a pity he asked for you. I would have thought he’d have forgotten after all this time. We could have gotten married, my pretty fairy bride.” Stan traced my jawbone with his index finger looking at me longingly.
I flinched and Stan laughed, “Mortals and their fickle emotions.” His lips touched the nape of my neck and I could feel the electric feeling I first felt when I saw my boss all over again. My heart pounded in my chest and I knew I should probably run before I did something utterly stupid, but I was magnetized and even if I ran there was nowhere for me to go in this world. “I wonder how you would taste.” Stan smiled a snarky grin and I was awakened to my senses, I trembled slightly, shaking my head and backed up a few steps.
Demand to borrow a pencil from- Who? Certainly not Stan. Definitely not Stan.
“Let’s test your agility.” He began to run into the oddly colored woods and an invisible rope dragged me towards him. After I fell face first, I began to run towards him. Agility? I could outrun him easily. Would gravity then also overpower him? I flexed my muscles, pulling into full stride and within less than a minute, I was at a ten foot lead. The invisible rope did indeed cause him to fall.
Stan grumbled as he pushed himself up, mouth full of purple fluorescent grass, and said, “I lead, or else.” He glared at me and I caught the glint on a shiny copper rapier in a sheath tied to his belt. I let him lead afterwards until we reached a curtain of fairyland vines.
“The master awaits,” Stan snickered. He pushed me to the other side. “I have faithfully done what you asked, Unseely King. The chosen mortal is here.”
I stumbled toward the throne in which a human-looking man was bestowed upon. He had pallid skin and hair as dark as his heart. Cruelty was written in his coal-black eyes that shimmered with specks of red flames as he spoke.
“My future Queen,” he said chillingly, smiling coldly, “as your father bargained.” His cold lips caressed my hand, and I winced. It felt like frost-bite.
Demand a pencil from- It had to be.
“I demand to borrow a pencil. Now.”
Court members chattered, wide-eyed and panic stricken in horror as a metal blade impaled Stan from the hands of the Unseely King. “I told you not to fail me, I don’t return what I have taken from mortals.”

Wow, this is a good story! Very descriptive and well written. The only thing that I have to say is that it feels a bit rushed, but I get that it was for the contest, so no big deal. I feel this story has potential to be something if you want to keep working on it. It leaves a lot of questions that I want to have answered. It fits exactly into the kind of stuff that I like to read and has a Melissa Marr kind of feel. The only thing that I found was that you spelled pencilled wrong, but other than that there wasn’t anything that jumped out at me. Keep up the good work!

I have to agree with Skylar. The story did seem a bit rushed, but the description was pretty good. I think you need to add a little more detail about who the characters are. Like, for instance, mention who Stan is earlier in the story. Also, I'm still not understanding the whole "borrow a pencil" thing. I think you need to explain that a little more.

Hey! Cool story. Fun to read. I really liked your creepy description of the disguised monster Stan. You did a very good job of creating a villain there.

However, I will agree with the reviews before me. The feeling of being rushed through this story could have been eased by simply making certain transitions in the story smoother. In particular, the part in which Stan removes his human disguise seemed abrupt. Perhaps give a little more of your character's inner monologue during those parts. I also found the whole "borrow a pencil" thing to be extremely ambiguous and almost distracting.

Regardless, you have a unique ability to create believable and chilling characters. Thanks for the great short story!

" he pleaded in desperation, a hopeless plea useless to the merciless ones as they snatched a squirmy child from his arms."
-Do not, under any circumstances use the same word twice in a sentence. It disrupts the flow and makes your writing seem choppy

I was told my parents died in a car crash when I was just two, and told on a different occasion by a stranger on the street that my dad just disappeared one day. "
-This sentence makes no sense

The letter came on May sixteenth, the paper yellowed and the graphite letters faded, but I didn%u2019t open it until the twentieth when it rammed against my face while I was driving to the office in my penciled secretarial business attire. "
Letter and letter, it may mean something different but it's still the same word. Also, you need a semi colon in here

Haha, your story is very random, I especially like the pencil part, I would have never guessed!

I loved it. as in the first post, this really has potential to become more. I would love to see how this ends. all of the nitpicks were done earlier (the disadvantage of late posting), but really good job. i hope to see more. good luck!

This was for the Big Random Story contest, so I don't know if I'm allowed to edit it and I have exactly 1000 words. :/

I stumbled toward the throne in which a human-looking man was bestowed upon. He had pallid skin and hair as dark as his heart. Cruelty was written in his coal-black eyes that shimmered with specks of red flames as he spoke.

I love this description! It's informative, but not over done at all.
The story itself kept me on the edge of my seat, knowing something was going to happen, then it did. Then something as unexpected as that was just amazing.

I would say, like 0o0Redrum0o0 said, I don't understand the part about the pencil.

“No! Don’t take her. Leave me this one memory of Ashley.

Do you mean Ashlin?

Overall, you're an amazing writer! It was super awesome