Young Writers Society

Yes, I did try to like it more than once, seriously. I would have given it like ten. So ten gold stars for you! And I know what you mean about being a perfectionist; I am too. Hey, could you take a look at my story Hidden Illusions? It's in ROmantic Novels. Once again, this is so awesome!

TS

Hello, and thank you for entering my contest, "The Little Things."

Alright. I'm a little confused here. Sam was obviously the one narrating for most of the story, but we never find out who the voice is at her bed, and we don't really know who's narrating at the end. A boyfriend? A best friend?

If this is based on a true story, the ending should probably be somewhere else, rather than written in at the end as part of the story; it's too confusing this way. If it's entirely a work of fiction, try to make it more clear who is narrating at the end. Maybe change the main story so that instead of Sam narrating, it's the end person narrating, perhaps imagining what it was like for Sam to be in the hospital, etc.

Also, I have trouble believing the "relapse." If Sam went from semi-consciousness to full consciousness, if she was able to walk around with help, to brush her teeth, and even felt stronger, it's highly unlikely she would've had a "relapse," unless there was something wrong with her brain at that point, in which case you should probably tell us something about that, because as it stands it just feels a bit weird. If she had cancer, of course, a relapse would be believable no matter how healthy she seemed, but as for recovering from a car crash, it just doesn't gel right. If this is a real story you may be grinding your teeth at me, saying, "But this is how it really happened!" But one of the most valuable things I learned in creative writing boot camp last semester was that reality doesn't mean believability. A story may be completely true, but that doesn't mean it will be any good, or that the readers will understand or believe it. So please try not to get too mad about this, if this is a true story.

You are a really good writer. I know you can take this story up a level - you definitely have a gift for words. Your imagery is great, especially in the first paragraph, so I know you can do this.

Good job, and thanks again for entering.

~Blue

That was probaly one of the saddest stories I've ever read. I love how you used a lot of similies to describe what was happening. I'm assuming that the girl was your friend, so I'm sorry for your loss. Great story though, it's deffinitely one to be proud of.

OoORedrumOoO,

It isn't actually a real story- it was purley imagination.
I do know what it's like to lose a fanily member though, so I guess that's why.

Thankyou so much.

I'VE JUST RE-READ SOME REVIEWS AND I WANT TO MAKE SOME THINGS CLEAR. WHEN I FIRST WROTE THIS, IT HAD A TITLE PAGE, INCLUDING WHO'S POV IT WAS AT WHAT POINT AND SO ON, AND ANOTHER PART I EDITED WAS A SECTION WHICH TOLD THE READER WHAT SHE HAD AND WHY SHE HAD A RELAPSE- I EDITED IT OUT.

THANKYOU AGAIN!

Hello there! Ally here for your requested review!

I would like to start by saying that I agree with everyone else that told you how amazing this piece was. It was purely, and completley awesome! I loved it and was just filled with emotion and desperation as I read it.

You write the most fantastic descriptions, I mean that, you took your time to describe everything and it really helped to make the story. It also showed off your wonderful writing style, having huge descriptions certainly isn't my favorite thing in the world, but you did a grest job with yours!

It also helped to make it realistic and allowed readers to connect with either your MC, or anyone who's suffered a loss.

I would like to know though, was the voice at her bedside the same person who took over the story at the end?

I think that you should expand some more on that. That way the readers can become more connected with your characters, and it will help to clarify who the voice at her bedside was.

I was falling. Falling... Finally, I gave in. My sub-conscious receded and diminished and I was lost to the darkness. The darkness of death.

Does death always have to be darkness? Merely wondering, I mean Sam's moving on and dying. So wouldn't her family and friends be the ones hurdled into the darkness of grief, not ..Sam?

Just an idea I thought I'd throw out there for you!

I would also like to compliment the way you began your story, it was able to successfully pull me and several others into your story and spark a couriosity and hunger for the rest of the story!

Overall this was spectacular and I enjoyed reading and reviewing it!
You have a gift so please continue to use it and WOW the world with your words!

See you around YWS,
Ally.

No words can describe that piece of writing <3

That was an amazing, emotional peice of work.
I kept on thinking it was going to have a happy ending, which made it even more sad. You really wrnched my heart! In a good way.
I loved the point of veiw you did.
I really don't know what else to say.
Keep writing!

It may be short but it is better than most of the long stories I've ever read. The sadness, the aches, the pain, the cries; it all touched me deep down inside. Your level of English is outstanding! Marvelous job, I'd say.