Young Writers Society

“Where does it go to?”
Alexander tilted his head and gazed out across the rolling hills, which seemed to stretch out for forever. A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips, “Freedom,” he said finally.
Raven shuffled her feet nervously and licked her cracked lips, “What about the others?”
Alexander shook his head and took Raven’s wrist, “They’ll meet us on the other side, child,” He replied calmly.
The young woman followed Alexander onto the dirt road and sad, “Don’t call me a child. And whadaya mean ‘the other side’?”
He nodded, “I mean the ‘other side’. We just have to get past that first hill. Do you think you can do it?”
“Hell yeah!” she said, taking off with a burst of speed.
The two raced down the road, kicking up sand and dirt as they went.
Raven made it to the top of the hill first and cried out triumphantly, “Ha! I win!” she looked over to the other side of the hill. All she could see was a glowing light. It pulsed with energy, luring her in. Raven glanced over her shoulder, “Hey, ‘Lexi, there’s something weird over here. Come check it out.”
“I can’t,” Alexander replied.
The smile faded from Raven’s face as she saw that he had stopped a few yards away, “Why not?” she wondered.
“It’s for you only,” Alexander said as if that explained everything.
Maybe it did.
Raven frowned, “But aren’t you coming? I don’t even know where it leads to!”
“Trust me, child, you’re finally going home,” Alexander said.
“Home?” Raven repeated in a murmur. She rubbed her hands together nervously, “We haven’t had a real home in years… We’ve always been on the run…”
“Then go, child,” Alexander smiled.
“Stop calling me that. Yeesh, I’m twenty-one, now, not sixteen!”
“Has it been that long?” Alexander raised an eyebrow
Raven nodded and looked over to the light again. She threw her shoulders back confidently and said, “Okay, I’m going in,”
Alexander stepped back and Raven hesitated, “Why can’t you come?”
“I have to go back and get Solomon. Fate knows he’s a stubborn one. I’ll be back, though,”
“I thought you said the others would be waiting,” Raven frowned.
“Everyone else is, don’t worry; just go, child,”
Raven licked her lips and nodded, “Okay,” She took a step down the hill and looked back one last time, “I’ll see you again, right, Alexander?" she asked.
“Yes,” he said, “You will, Raven. Now go!”
She swallowed and bit her tongue to keep from saying the dreaded goodbye. Instead, she stepped towards the light and as it surrounded her whole being, she suddenly realized that Alexander had finally called her by her actual name.
The light consumed her, but it was warm and welcoming, so she closed her tired eyes and let it take her.
Suddenly it stopped and Raven opened her eyes, feeling strangely refreshed. She stood at the bottom of a hill. Down the road, her old friends were walking toward her. They seemed to be glowing with a whitish light. She grinned and waved to them, running forward. It’d been so long since she had seen them –especially Talia, who had been the first in the group to die.
“Welcome home,” They told her as they took turns hugging.

I loved this. It had a... unique plot to it. I have to admit I am insanely curious about Alexander & the light.

I did not see any editing errors, well done. When you post the sequel I would love to read it.

*Hitting like*
Keep writing,
~FW~

Hi there,

This is very nice. I love your narrative style! I have a few nitpicks--mostly typos:

“It’s for you only,” Alexander said as if that explained everything.

“Trust me, child, you’re finally going home,” Alexander said.

Raven nodded and looked over to the light again. She threw her shoulders back confidently and said, “Okay, I’m going in,”

Raven licked her lips and nodded.“Okay.” She took a step down the hill and looked back one last time. “I’ll see you again, right, Alexander?" she asked

Other than those, the piece was pretty much flawless. As I already said, I really like your simple prose, with just enough vagueness to keep the reader interested. Good job on that! I was pretty confused by this--not enough info was given for it to really make sense. I didn't understand why Alexander would be trying to get Raven to die...it seemed a little off. I would definitely be interested in reading the sequel--let me know when you post it!

Sare

Nice! I read this then glanced at your age and was like no way! You had a few spelling errors, but otherwise no real grammatical problems. The only suggestion I could make is work on adding more sensory details as they paint a picture in a persons head better then just explaining background. Keep writing!

Wow, that was a great start, very powerful especially the ending where it mentions the first to die, here's one other error I found, other then the ones already pointed out.

Raven frowned, “But aren’t can’t you come? I don’t even know where it leads to!”

Do you mean "but aren't you coming?" or "Why can't you come?."
That's about it, good luck, and keep up the good work!

Okay, so in the beginning you said...

The teen followed Alexander...

but then later...

Yeesh, I’m twenty-one, now, not sixteen!

Nothing too major, it just caught my attention. I didn't think a twenty-one-year-old was still considered a teen, but maybe I'm reading it wrong.

Alexander said as if that explained everything.

Maybe it did.

I really liked this line. The whole story in general was enjoyable and smoothly paced and I liked your work! Wish I could be more helpful, but it's pretty good how it is! Keep it up!

<..> Kat

I quite liked this! Keep up the good work! I didn't find any mistakes apart from the ones already pointed out. If you ever write I sequel to this, I'll definatly read it!

I guess a lot of people reviewed this so I might repeat what they've said. You've done pretty well to grasp the reader's attention and since it's a small piece from your story, I wouldn't really understand what's going on but I still enjoyed reading it. You know what is important in narrative writing. You don't only need to focus on the main things when it comes to description and you did that perfectly. The dialogues describe the person's personality here. It's a really good piece and I'd suggest you post the rest of the pieces of this story as well.

Oh and these are just tiny mistakes,

The young woman followed Alexander onto the dirt road and said

I thought you said the others would be waiting,” Raven frowned

Keep writing.