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The Legend of the Sands



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Tue Jun 14, 2011 11:36 pm
Ranger51 says...



Spoiler! :
This is for a little world I made up for a book. I wanted to give it some history, so I made up the Legend of the Sands. (Which is a little cliched, but I had fun.)


Long, long ago, the world of Gilgiria was beginning to fall apart.

The mysterious, dark Shadow Creatures from afar had long since settled into Gilgiria, feasting upon the hearts of the people and birthing evil among the lands. Several heroes and knights set out to fight the coming of darkness. Many failed. However, one left a small hope … a little-known hope, but a hope all the same…



In the desert, there lived an elf named Nisipuri Sands. He had grown up in the desert tribes of the south, and sought to quell the Shadow Creatures. He left his home with his longbow and many arrows, prepared to give his all for his world.

Nisipuri trekked deep into the Great Forest, an unexplored and feared land. He met many foes, nearly perishing more than once, often saved only by luck and determination. Still Nisipuri went on, refusing to be daunted and living now only for the sake of his world and his people.

One day, Nisipuri met a young dwarf named Micde Wander. Micde was a hardy young man, traveling alone like Nisipuri. Nisipuri asked why Micde was in the middle of the forest.

Now, Micde was a clever dwarf. He saw that the elf standing before him was a hero, seeking to drive the Shadow Creatures away. But Micde was being given all the gold in the mountains for services to the Shadow Creatures.

So Micde deceived Nisipuri. He told him that his mountainside village had been raided by Shadow Creatures, and he had sworn to live from then on to drive them from the lands. The innocent Nisipuri could not see the clever dwarf’s lie, and so, thinking that they had a common purpose, agreed to travel with him.

Micde told Nisipuri that he knew of a Shadow Creature encampment to the west. Nisipuri, however, had other plans. He had been wanting to go east, to gain news from the werewolf tribes, who were one with the wilds and knew what news the wind brought more easily. After some debate, Micde agreed to follow Nisipuri. Nisipuri saw this as another reason to trust the dwarf – a man who was willing to humbly change his mind was surely a wise one, after all.

And so, for two moons, the duo traveled the Great Forest, having many adventures and mishaps along the way. The two became good friends, and Micde began to question his role in the war between shadows and light.

The night came when the pair arrived at the nearest werewolf tribe to find it abandoned. The other villages nearby were in a similar state. After many days of searching, the dark crest of the Shadow Creatures was found in the rubble of a destroyed village. Discouraged, Nisipuri and Micde left, taking Micde’s original path to the west.

Nisipuri was surprised when their path was unsullied and easier than he had expected. He saw it as a sign of luck, but Micde knew it was a sign that the Shadow Creatures were waiting for him.

Finally, Micde decided to confess his true position and join his friend’s cause truly. That night, however, as he began to speak, he fell as if struck, and Nisipuri could not wake him. Although none but the dwarf know what happened, when Micde finally arose, he was renewed in his loyalty to the Shadow Creatures. He did not dare tell Nisipuri that he was a traitor.

However, Micde was true to his word; he led Nisipuri to the ‘enemy’ encampment. But Nisipuri soon discovered that it was not simply an encampment, but a key base. He fled, pursued by many armed guards, and barely escaped.

The next morning, Nisipuri arose and prepared for battle, preparing many quivers of arrows. He did not know what had happened to his dwarf friend, but assumed that Micde had been misinformed and was now a prisoner. And so Nisipuri set out to rescue his friend.

He crept through the growth and killed many guards without raising any alarm. He was a patient hunter, picking them away one by one until he knew there was no more time to use. He loaded his longbow and stood, shooting down the startled guards in only a minute. But the alarm had been raised.

Nisipuri fought bravely for his dwarf friend, standing his ground and steadily shooting the attacking guards. Finally, the battleground was cleared, with Nisipuri still somehow standing tall. The Battle of the Eastern Encampment is still renowned today as the most amazing and odds-defying battle in the history of Gilgiria.

Then, across the fresh battlefield charged a small, muscular figure – Micde Wander, who would be known from that day forward as Micde the Traitor.

At last Nisipuri saw what his friend had truly been all along, and a great rage overwhelmed him. His arrows and strength spent, he stood squarely against his opponent, prepared to die fighting.

Many people say that there is a magic in all people, awakened when their true spirit arouses itself. This magic took Nisipuri that day as he stood spent seeing that all he had done with his friend had been a game, a trick, and he decided to die there, giving his life for his people.

And in those last moments before he was slain, Nisipuri Sands, a strange, hidden magic possessing his body, laid a curse upon the evils that had taken his world.

“You have betrayed the world,” he said to Micde the Traitor, “And so the world will turn on you. One day, a revolution will come against the dark Shadow Creatures that take this land now. And a hero will stand as tall as the trees and as strong as the mountains, no matter the challenge. And as Nisipuri Sands falls today, the sands may yet return in this hero.” And as he finished his curse, Micde the Traitor of the Shadow Creatures struck down his friend with a mighty stroke of his axe, and thus fell Nisipuri Sands.

Few know of the legacy left behind by Nisipuri, and fewer yet know the true story. But still, silently, secretly, the faraway land of Gilgiria waits for the Hero of the Sands to arise and fight the battle to overthrow the Shadow Creatures.
Last edited by Ranger51 on Wed Jun 15, 2011 2:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?"
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Wed Jun 15, 2011 4:30 am
tgirly says...



you shouldn't give paragraph 3 with long ago. You've already stated that it was a long time ago. I liked it a lot and couldn't find any spelling errors. I like your writing style and I think it fits well with your genre. Really nice.
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Wed Jun 15, 2011 6:06 am
captain.classy says...



Hey there!

This is really cool. I think it's very important for writers to write things like this, even if it's not included in the novel, or overall story. You really get a feel of this world you're creating when you actually piece it together. I'm actually in the process of that right now with my novel! And I can say that I would love to read your story by reading this. I think this is well thought out, shows your passion for writing and is actually really good! There are, however, some things I don't like, like in every piece I review. So let's get to it!

I agree with the above review that there is no reason to have long ago again in the third paragraph. You really want to make the third paragraph smoothly flow after the first two, unlike how you have it now, separated from the others. That makes it stand out more, and I don't really like that. It's bad because your first part is extremely cliche, which isn't necessarily bad, it's just you want the original parts to stand out more. So I recommend making it flow like one story rather than an introduction two paragraphs and content after. Kind of like an essay; me no like.

Nisipuri saw this as another reason to trust the dwarf – a man who was willing to change his mind was surely a wise one, after all.


Mmm you might want to rethink this. I think changing your mind often is a sign of immaturity, and unsureness. I would definitely question my trust in someone when they keep on changing their mind. I mean, if I was your main character I might even think "What if this person changes their mind so often and so easily with other things. like if he's evil or not. MUST KILL." No, but you get my drift right?

The thing about the werewolves... what? It just kind of ended. Your character really wanted to go there, and I don't really think you even make it that clear why, and he goes there, finds it all dead, and doesn't really say or do anything. Totally anticlimactic, if you ask me. I'd explain this a bit more, give us more insight to this very interesting world you have created!

Speaking of anticlimactic! Your ending! At one point your character is looking at this large and muscled enemy that used to be his friend from afar, and in the next second he's just there, and your main character is about to die. WHAT?! I think a little action would be nice. You are writing a fantasy novel; tend to one there's going to be violence or fighting, so give me some of that here too! Please!

Overall I think this is very good. It's a nice balance between cliche and original, and deep and shallow. I think you do a very good job at writing fantasy, from what I can see. Write on!

Classy
  





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Wed Jun 15, 2011 2:24 pm
Ranger51 says...



Thanks for the advice! You're right - the werewolf thing was too unexplained.
By the way, when I said "a man who was willing to change his mind must be a wise one," I meant that someone who is able to look at all the sides of his opinion and admit he was wrong is showing humility/wisdom. (At least, from Nisipuri's view.) Changing your mind once is different from changing your mind a million times.
"We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?"
-Fahrenheit 451
  





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Wed Jun 15, 2011 3:52 pm
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PixieStix says...



I love it no matter what because you did great explaining it. like when you added the warewolf! Luv it!!Anyway, you are a great author.

~Pixie~
liv,laugh,glow :D
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Thu Jun 16, 2011 11:48 am
CompanionCube says...



Your narrative style is strong and really encouraged me to read the entire story. Since these Fantasy short stories are all about the narrative I would say you did a great job of telling the story.

I'd would recommend maybe longer paragraphs, now and then constant pauses and cuts means you kind of lose the atmosphere that you do such a good job of creating.

I'd also be interested to see the character explained more, I mean the main character seemed to follow a text book type righteous hero and that kind of bugs me since the scene is so well set.

Overall, with a vocabulary and writing style like yours, all you need is some character-development guidance and you've got a fantastic piece of fiction.

Companion
  





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Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:05 am
Sannah says...



Now I really want to read the book you are writing... :) I absolutely love it! Sorry if you fall asleep reading this... :D

I thought it was really good, but I'll admit some parts did seem anitclimatic or not described well enough. When Nisipuri is facing Micde it would have been better for you to drag out the battle scene and show some of the raw emotion that Nisipuri is feeling. I would be torn, hurt, and depressed before I was angry (if I even get angry. I normally don't get angry, just sad). Micde was his friend and I personally wouldn't just get angry at him, even if it was something of this magnitude. I would hear his side of the story first. I guess it all depends on Nisipuri's personality in the end; disregard everything I said about anger and sadness if Nisipuri's thought process doesn't work the same way. And if he is just plum angry, describe it more.

I think you are right about "Nisipuri saw this as another reason to trust the dwarf – a man who was willing to change his mind was surely a wise one, after all." But because of this I thought it was odd that Nisipuri didn't attempt to look at Micde's side of the story. It didn't make sense to me, since I assume he thought the same way as you about the issue. Then agian though, are humans and dwarfs ever logical? He was unwilling to look at Micde's perspective, but Micde didn't offer his story to Nisipuri either... So I don't know. That part was a just a bit cliche but other parts of your work are so original too... Especially the names, I love the names you came up with!

You did a very good job with the atmosphere; I felt like I was in a log cabin listening to my grandfather tell it! :) "Many people say that there is a magic in all people, awakened when their true spirit arouses itself." I thought that was pure genius. I love the curse! I thought it was very creative. The Legend of the Sands is awesome, but I feel like you are holding back on us (especially when I reread your parody). You did a really great job despite this! :)
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Tue Jun 21, 2011 3:14 am
Ranger51 says...



Thanks for the advice!! Again, this piece isn't exactly part of the book (although it sets up a background for one of the events later on), but it was fun.
The lack of character development was sort of on purpose - this was supposed to be like those really old classic fairy-tale moods, the around-the-campfire type legend. I thought that just listing the general facts, without going on about the emotions, would help set up that atmosphere.
I haven't got much time right now (my Mom's stalking me to go to bed), but I'll be sure to check out everything you guys talked about - thanks a lot!
"We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?"
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Thu Aug 04, 2011 1:35 am
Searria H. says...



Hi, Ranger51! So, I'm finally here to review as you requested about two months ago. :oops: Sorry about that.

You are very in tune with the fantasy style with your names and the way you create an alternate world for your reader. That's something with which I struggle. I saw very few grammatical errors. Hooray! You deserve an elephant. :elephant:
This is very different for me because I'm used to character interaction (being a theatre kid, it's sort of my focus), but I think you did well with the fantasy vibe. Still, it felt a little rushed to me. Just because it's a legend doesn't mean you have to scrape it to the bones. If you imagine a someone telling this story orally to a group of children, they would build suspense and describe the emotions of the characters. Tell us about his hardships, about his perilous encounters. Fatten up your story and milk out all of the thrill of it. :D

Long, long ago, the world of Gilgiria was beginning to fall apart.

Personally, I wouldn't use the second "long," but that's just me.

The mysterious,*** dark Shadow Creatures from afar had long since settled

*** When you have two consecutive adjectives describing one noun, you don't always need a comma between them. If it feels just as natural to replace the comma with an "and," then you need it. EX: You wouldn't say "The little and old lady lives next door," so you don't need a comma. For me, I find it more natural to read through "The mysterious dark Shadow Creatures," but only you know what you want. :)
However, one left a small hope … a little-known hope, but a hope all the same…

The ellipses bother me. They are a useful tool to be used sparingly, but two in one sentence is a little much for me. I would replace the first with a dash.
In the desert, there lived an elf named Nisipuri Sands.

Haha. Desert. Sands. Clever. ;)
He met many foes, nearly perishing more than once, often saved only by luck and determination.

Please expand on this a little.
Micde Wander.

:D I love puns.
The two became good friends, and Micde began to question his role in the war between shadows and light.

Personally, I would like to hear a little more about his inner torment.
Finally, Micde decided to confess his true position and join his friend’s cause truly.

I didn't believe this. You mention that they became friends, but there I see no shift from evil to light. Surely there was some incident that cause him to change his mind.
The next morning, Nisipuri arose and prepared for battle, preparing many quivers of arrows.

Brave fella, isn't he? Didn't even think about calling for back-up.
Although none but the dwarf know what happened,you might speculate a bit when Micde finally arose, he was renewed in his loyalty to the Shadow Creatures.

Finally, the battleground was cleared, with Nisipuri still somehow standing tall.

He's secretly a ninja. ;)
His arrows and strength spent,love this juxtaposition he stood squarely against his opponent, preparedyou use this word quite a bit to die okay, he just defeated a whole slew of evil people, and he just gives in to one measly dwarf?Can't he get a weapon from a nearby corpse?fighting.

Many people say that there is a magic in all people, awakened when their true spirit arouses itself. I like this line

This magic took Nisipuri that day as he stood spent seeing that all he had done with his friend had been a game, a trick, and he decided to die there, giving his life for his people.

I think I'm missing something. How is him dying by Micde's hand helping his people? Especially when he just gives up, resigned to death.
Few know of the legacy left behind by Nisipuri, and fewer yet stillknow the true story.

But still, silently, secretly, There are too many commas/one-two word phrases right here for me. Maybe, Ever patient, Gilgiria silently and secretly waits..." I don't know. It's up to you.the faraway land of Gilgiria waits for the Hero of the Sands to arise and fight the battle to overthrow the Shadow Creatures.


I know this is more of a vague background than an active story, but you might want to add some details so it's not so "info-dumpy." I think you have created a wonderful image for us, and it makes me very curious to read the story. Are you thinking of including this as a prologue/preface?
This was a really fun read. :) Thank you. As always, if you have any questions about this review, I'm dirt-easy to find.
Happy writing.
-Sea-
'Let's eat Grandma!' or, 'Let's eat, Grandma!' Punctuation saves lives.

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