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Young Writers Society


The Beginners Book Of Spells and Magic, 7 and 1/2 edition



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Sun May 22, 2011 6:03 am
Paracosm says...



Sithe crouched next to Verlinae, waves of musket fire and spells flew by them. The smell of blood and expended gunpowder mingled to create a unique stench. "Verlinae! Get the book out of here! Remember the mission!" Sithe shouted as Verlinae mourned over a fallen comrade that lay burning on the cobble stone street. Verlinae wiped away a tear from her eye and blood from her temple as she lunged for cover behind a wagon.

She charged into an abandoned sanitarium just as a beam of light zoomed by her, Sithe followed behind quickly. Once they reached the relative safety of the building they headed for a lower floor. Smoke burned their eyes and steam made their breathing labored. Sithe realized his arm was aching, a sharp piercing pain had breached his flak trench coat. He tried to keep running, but felt a snag.

He turned to see his arm attached to a chain, and that chain attached to the end of a musket, someone had hit him with a harpoon. The wave of pain hit him like a bolt of lightning, blood poured from the wound. The weapon had been made to release dangerous prongs to tear into the muscle, it had been designed to twist on impact as well, this weapon was made to destroy the human body. Sithe saw the man standing shrowded in smoke just outside the door. He took a deep breath and muttered the code words for an incinerating curse, normally this would not be permitted, but they were given specific instructions to get the book to safety.

The man started to dissolve in thick black smoke, then burst into silvery flames, dropping the weapon. Verlinae had already made it down the stairs and was shouting for Sithe to come, he ran as fast as he could but the weapon was barbed, and stayed in his arm. The other end kept snagging on fallen bodies and other litter. With a grunt, he wrenched the arrow head from his arm, with a sickening cracking noise, it tore the bone in his joint. Sithe knew he was going to have to lose the arm.

With a dive, Sithe reached the bottom of the stairs and Verlinae slammed the door shut. They panted heavily, examining the dark room. "Sithe, we lost Sam, Adaris, and Smith!" Verlinae screamed, tears streaming down her face. Her thick cloak was torn and singed in many places. Her brilliant blond hair was matted with blood. "Calm down, calm down," Sithe said soothingly. "We need to get the book somewhere else, we're surrounded, give it here," He said, he started to reach forward with his left hand, but the only response was pain.

Sithe grunted from the agony, "Take care of my arm, I'll send the book off," he said. Verlinae reached into her haversack for bandage and began to stop the blood flow. "I think you'll have to lose the arm," she said. Sithe heaved a sigh and took the book from her. Silver letters glimmered on the red page, they read, "The Infinite Tome of Curses."

Sithe focused his remaining energy into finding a safe place for the book, he realized it'd be best to have it go somewhere the enemy wouldn't look, and the first place that came to mind was St. Sophia's Home for Young Children. The book dissolved into glimmering green smoke, it was on it's way to safety.

****************

A pale hand brushed dark hair curly hair aside from his eyes. Craig needed a haircut desperately. His grey and brown school uniform hung limply over his skinny frame, and his boot toes were bursting at the seems. His days at St. Sophia's hadn't been kind to him. He was one of the less fortunate children who weren't here to learn, but to live. Craig was homeless, parentless, and friendless. He resisted the urge to pound the mirror with his fist. Craig left the washroom and headed for his dormitory, the evening light filtered through a grimy window and cast his shadow upon the dark green wallpaper.

"Hey! Are you Jaden? He's got a package," Mr. Dailon said, his grey mustache quivering with every word, and his potbelly heaved with exhaustion. He taught Combative Arts, and it was in the gymnasium at the bottom floor. The top floor wasn't this man's haunt. He preferred to stick to his stinking open space, where he could shout at small children and tell them how inadequate they are at life. "No, I'm Craig," he said, glaring.
"Do you know where Jaden is then?"
"Nope".
Mr. Dailon's face quivered, spittle slinging from his face. "Look you disrespectful little brat! I'll give you five seconds to rephrase that!" he shouted. Craig waited, counting down to three aloud, then replied "No sir! Is that what you wanted? Just in time too!" he glared with his grey eyes. Craig's eyes were so pale, there seemed only a black ring with a darker black core. Mr. Dailon huffed down the old hall, muttering something about learning respect and a bad day tomorrow. Craig headed in the other direction for his room.

It had been a long, hard day. It started with a cruel prank. A letter had been laid by his bed, and the contents said that his birth parents were on their way to pick him up, After he realized that he wasn't dead or dreaming, he figured it was fake. Afterwards he spent three hours taking an exam over the civil war, the most depressing topic ever. It served to remind him that his world could be turned over at any moment.

The Drothnin Fife was one of many fifes that was quickly developing steam technology, devices ran by water alone. These devices made tasks like paving roads and digging ditches far easier and more efficient, leaving the lower classes jobless. This spawned riots by hardworking men and women who had no formal education, with these machines handling their work, they were laid off. They sided with a man by the name of Silos Crowfang, a revolutionist who promised reform. According to some, Crowfang was a necrochemist, a group accused of seeking immortality, to raise the dead, and said to worship the skulls of their enemies.

The upper classes saw hope in steam technology, they viewed it as a means to save lives. With steam technology, they could power a wagon without horses, they could print pamphlets without the effort, and steam technology was also used to develop artificial limbs. Steam symbolized hope for them, they needed it to survive disease and end famine. The two sides didn't have time to work out an agreement though, Crowfang immediately retaliated, he sent his followers off to burning books on steam, destroying factories, and sending his men after scientists.

These thoughts worried Craig. He was concerned that a draft would be instated, or that Crowfang would win the war. He feared he may never get a chance to leave the hell hole he called home, or that if he did leave, it would be to a place even worse, a war torn reality that he reared. Craig hated to think these fearful thoughts. Craig hated his life.

He made his way to his room and saw the faded brass letters that hung from his door. Craig shared his room with two other kids, Jake and Ryan McHaid, Identical twins, and very annoying ones at that. When Craig entered the room, he saw the two standing over a mahogany chest. Brown wrapping paper lay strewn across the floor. "Look! Open it before Craig gets here!" One of the two said, Craig guessed it was Ryan, his voice was more whiny. "Is that mine or something?" Craig asked.

"Yeah, but we won't give it to you!" Jake said, sticking out his tongue and making an obnoxious noise. Craig was taller than the two of them, but he was not an adept fighter. His best option was a diplomatic approach. "If you give it to me I'll open it and let you both see what is inside," He said, grinning. The two whispered to each other, then said, "Since tomorrow is your birthday, we'll let you have it!" They said.
"Deal!"
The two charged Craig with their fists clenched. Craig almost slapped himself on the head, he finally understood their ploy, by it, the meant a beating. In an uncharacteristically thought out move, Craig stepped back and drew the door open, then shoved forward, using it to beat the two back. "You too doofs! Stop playing around!" Craig shouted, he was getting frustrated. This was generally the way his evenings went, except he had never received a package before. Even stranger, it was the day before his birthday. Surely it was coincidence.
Last edited by Paracosm on Wed Jun 01, 2011 3:41 am, edited 6 times in total.
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Sun May 22, 2011 6:50 am
ShakespeareWallah says...



it's very good
  





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Mon May 23, 2011 2:59 pm
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TaylaChase says...



Overall this is pretty good, but there were a few things I wanted to mention.


Sithe crouched next to Verlinae, waves of musket fire and spells flew by them.


I would change 'flew' to 'flying'. It just makes the sentence flow better.

Verlinae is crying and mourning over her fallen comrades, but we as the readers don't feel her pain. You should try to write so the reader can get to know the characters and feel what they are feeling. You need to give your characters more depth and allow the readers to feel the characters pain. Don't just tell us she is sad, show us.

Again with Sithe, let us feel his pain when he is hit with a harpoon.

Why would Sithe have to lose his arm just from a broken bone?


It had been a long day for him, first he had been subject to a cruel prank.


This sentence doesn't flow very well, I would suggest rephrasing it. It seems incomplete and choppy.

the meant a beating.


I think you meant 'they'.

You too doofs! Stop playing around!"


'too' should be changed to 'two'.

The two charged Craig with their fists clenched, Craig almost slapped himself in the head, he finally understood their ploy, by it, the meant a beating.


I think you should divide this into two sentences. 'Craig almost slapped himself on the head.(Period) He finally understood...' Also change 'in the head' to something like 'on the head' because you can't really slap yourself in the head.


You could do with a bit more description and I would work on your character depth and development. The whole thing was a bit rushed, I think. You should slow it down a bit more and add some more description to it. Also you should work on your 'showing' instead of 'telling'. I know I'm not very good with that, though, so I can't help you much there.


Anyway, good job and keep working on it :) This has potential.
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Wed May 25, 2011 11:51 pm
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PixieStix says...



This short story reminds me of true love. The emotion you use is divine. I don't know how you can imagine this fantasy in your mind.but everything in the beginning in picturing and you can imagine, magic is the true topic of this story beetween a brave boy and a protective girl, when you start out make sure you start out with understanding words that the readers will understand when reviewing it. Picture it in your own mind ad follow your thoughts and not anyone else's it's your own story and you should follow your own imagination with fantasy. I love the whole kind of topic but I this story deserves a different title like-- MAGIC AND TRUTH or SPELLS AND DANGER but if you were to make a Second one I would love to read it and I bet I could enjoy it as much as I had enjoyed it this time, hoped it helped-


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Thu May 26, 2011 12:49 pm
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Reedo121 says...



This short story is really... magical. I've been a huge fan of magic ever since Harry Potter came out. Nothing that I can nit-pick about, since everyone else did it for me. Thank you everyone else on YWS!!! :D

Keep writing these stories. Make sure there is a sequel.
  





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Sun Jul 31, 2011 4:27 pm
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Lauren2010 says...



Hey Shinobi! Thanks so much for entering the First Chapter Contest! Here’s a review for entering!

Nitpicks:
Verlinae had already made it down the stairs and was shouting for Sithe to come, he ran as fast as he could but the weapon was barbed, and stayed in his arm. The other end kept snagging on fallen bodies and other litter.

Goodness gracious, why didn’t he just pick up the weapon and carry it? It seems like that would have been much less painful, even if he’s in a hurry.

It served to remind him that his world could be turned over at any moment.

The Drothnin Fife was one of many fifes that was quickly developing steam technology, devices ran by water alone.

There’s a consistency issue between these two paragraphs. First, we’re watching Craig wander around and then suddenly, without any hint to anything, we’re reading about the Drothnin Fife without knowing what it is or why we should be concerned with it. The same thing happens when we switch back to watching Craig.

This is an easy fix, though. Give Craig a reason to be thinking about the Drothnin Fife, and this war. Maybe he wishes he could be out of the house after running in with Mr. Dailon, but then he thinks about the only way that could happen (going to war) and then you can explain about the Fife/the war.

Other than that, this was a really interesting beginning. I’m intrigued and want to read more, which is a big part of what a first chapter ought to do. There’s not much to say character-wise, since not n extreme amount of information was given on any of them, which is fine. Following chapters serve to do that sort of thing too. ;)

Anyways, great job! And thanks for entering the contest!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-
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Wed Aug 03, 2011 1:56 pm
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FadingBrighter says...



Very well written story. it pulled me in from the first sentence. Also, it flowed very well, with very few grammatical errors. I only have a few tips.
1."The weapon had been made to release dangerous prongs to tear into the muscle, it had been designed to twist on impact as well, this weapon was made to destroy the human body" You repeat alot during this sentence. Rewrite it so that you only say ' the weapon was made' once.
2. Don't be afraid to use colons and semicolons
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Wed Aug 03, 2011 6:33 pm
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LostMagi42 says...



I really liked it.All nit picking was done before me. Personally, either make a sequel, or you could even start a novel with this. there is definate potential for a continuation. kind of like the first transformers movie how you knew there was going to be a second movie. so keep up the good writing!
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