Young Writers Society

They always said that they would come. Threatening to bring their shrill whispers and moans that curdle the souls of the meek. With talons full of vicious delights always watching, ready to snatch away the poor and the strong. Tales of their menacing claws are told in the midst of the night while watchful parents stand guard. The way their dark claws rattle together, shaking the spines of the fearless.

They are the snatchers.

Dark and dastardly creatures that roam the nighttime streets and chill the wispy air. With wings that are able to scale the highest tower and beyond, full of thick murky feathers that blind the hopeful. They are immune to any chant to keep them away, any source of protection. Their spit colored red by those they’ve killed allows them to do whatever they please. When flesh approaches the deadly spit it begins to twist and turn, tormenting the helpless victim. We never thought they’d find us, so far up in the mountains and guarded by the lily dragon. We never considered that the Snatchers would meddle with the privileged and the gifted.

We were wrong.

On a cool December night they came and slayed the lily dragon, seizing our house. The whole family desperately tried our hand at fighting them off but to no avail. Their spit pierced the souls of my husband and my brother. Then they did the wicked task, they took my Ophelia. My precious, darling, child. My baby.
So now I sit in the heat of the suns horizon looking down upon the village, all the fight fought out of me. I lay my head down upon the rock and shut my eyes tight. Finally allowing my salt filled tears to slowly pour down glazing the ground, forming a puddle of my sorrow. The New Year has come, and I am all alone.

Since it's so short, I think I'll quote the whole thing and do corrections in green. Try not to be intimidated, I'm pretty wordy.

They always said that they would come.they is an undefined pronoun in this sentence, so using it twice makes it really confusing - decide to describe one of the they's Threatening to bring their shrill whispers and moans that curdle the souls of the meek. With talons full of vicious delights always watching, ready to snatch away the poor and the strong.I liked this sentence - er, fragment. All you need is a "they're" Tales of their menacing claws are told in the midst of the night while watchful parents stand guard. The way their dark claws rattle together, shaking the spines of the fearless. Purhaps "shaking the spines of even the fearless"? I think it makes more sense, seeing as fearless people generally have no fears. The sentences in blue are fragments, so you need to fix those. Sometimes it's okay to use fragments for creative purposes, but it doesn't really work here.

They are the snatchers.Who are the snatchers?

Dark and dastardly creatures that roam the nighttime streets and chill the wispy air. With wings that are able to scale the highest tower and beyond, full of thick murky feathers that blind the hopeful. I'm unfamiliar with the saying "blind the hopeful" They are immune to any chant to keep them away, any source of protection.Technically this is a sentence, but the added on description doesn't make sense to me. Try to reword it. Their spit colored red by those they’ve killed allows them to do whatever they please. When flesh approaches the deadly spit it it is undefined here, because you mention spit and flesh, so be sure to specify begins to twist and turn, tormenting the helpless victim.Would you mind explaining why the spit is deadly? Is there a curse on it? Is it poisonous? We never thought they’d find us, so far up in the mountains and guarded by the lily dragon. We never considered that the Snatchers would meddle with the privileged and the gifted.

We were wrong.

On a cool December night they once again, they is undefined came and slayed the lily dragon, seizing our house. The whole family desperately tried our hand When you say "the" family and "our" hand, the possessiveness of everything is inconsistent. I suggest saying "My whole family" instead. at fighting them them... another undefined pronoun off but to no avail. Their spit pierced the souls of my husband and my brother. Then they did the wicked task, they took my Ophelia. Why is killing your daughter wicked but killing your brother and husband isn't? My precious, darling, if you don't edit out this sentence, the comma would be removed child. My baby.

So now here you change tenses, which isn't usually a good thing; it just confuses the reader, unless you have a really good reason for itI sit in the heat of the suns horizon "sun's horizon" looking down upon the village, all the fight fought out of me. I lay my head down upon the rock and shut my eyes tight. Finally allowing my salt filled tears to slowly pour down (comma) glazing the ground, forming a puddle of my sorrow. The New Year has come, and I am all alone.

There were some nitpicks and some suggestions, but it's interesting. Make sure you're always in the same tense, unless you've specified that this is a flashback. Also, at the beginning it felt strictly third person, and then you switch completely to first person, and that threw me off. You have to choose one POV, and make the narrator talk in that POV the entire time.

There are plenty of sentences that are "close, but no cigar" with me. Just a few word tweaks and there'll be a bunch of winners.

This seems way too short to be a short story; it's more like a descriptive scene. I think you should make it longer, adding detail and explanations, unless you end up using this to be part of a longer story.

A note about fragments: they can all be fixed by just adding a basic verb, such as "was" or "did". If you would like to use more colorful verbs, be my guest.

Keep writing! That is all. If you have any questions about my review, PM me

Alright, so, I'm slightly confused as to whats going on. Very confused, actually. Don't be afraid to put more details in, answer such questions as 'why', 'what', 'when', 'who', and 'how'. YOu should probably explain what a 'snatcher' is, because I do believe that is the main focus of your story. Expand on that

~WIckedWonder

As the previous commenter exclaimed, you really should explain in detail what's going on. Im not being too judgemental or negative, but the readers are having a difficult time understanding.

Explain about the Snatchers: Where did they come from/why/when/ what thrives them to snatch ... things?
Go into detail about the location where the story takes place: A small house in the middle of a cropfield on mid-summers eve/ a humble village in the kingdom of .../

In a nutshell: more backround history in order for the readers to put the puzzle pieces together ^^

I like the idea, fill in some detail

With the best regards,
The Perverted Iguana~

Since your story, as you said, is too short, you can still add some details on the events. Put some more information about the narrator so readers could feel the effect of the unfortunate event to her, emotion-wise, etc. I haven't really understood the story so try using simpler words sometimes. You can elaborate the killings (by the snatchers) if you want. I am sure that can add force to the readers..

Hello there!

You followed me, so I thought I would have a look at your work. I agree with you, it is short. A possible suggestion might be to make it into a poem that tells a story?? Then it would be okay for it to be so short?? Just a suggestion. If poems aren't your thing, then leave it.

Also, I agree with the other reviews. 'They' could be described. Explain more. We know they are snatchers, but maybe describe what they look like, the way they work, maybe they come at a specific time of day? Etc. Furthermore, you could describe the incident in more detail.

However, I think the idea is clever, of a feared being, and a family trying (and failing) to escape. It would make a great novel, and maybe that could be the twist at the end?! I hope you see my point.

Have you read my work, 'Sorry, I Forgot...'? Could you do a review for me??

Thanks,
Lofty xD

Hmm, I think I must apologize for posting such an awful read! xP
I was simply needing to write somehthing, due to having writers block in regards to the novel I'm working on, and so I typed this up.

Now I can see how it is immensouly lacking needed details, however I must throw in that the Snatchers were supposed to be vague. I provided some description about their appearance but as to the rest that was up to the reader to form in their minds!

Well everyone please don't judge me off of this horrid piece!
Check out some of my other works, all reviews welcome!

Sincerely,
Ally

I love the story line and considering i say that its good
I love the description and in the first few paragraphs and if this gets to be a book i call reading it first

The beginning is good, very good. Nice powerful description (reminds me of the way old legends tell of monsters). The end though is definitely a case of telling and not showing. We know only that they are in the mountains and the snatchers attacked, caused harm and took the girl. How did they go about this? Why? Was it difficult?

I really liked this. Your style is quite good and effective A little on the short side though, but it works well here and gets right to the point. I like the mystery of it, too

Keep, writing You'll go far

this was great, I really liked it! I just have a few comments. You seemed to change your tone after the first section. Was it on purpose? Because at first you had a lot of description, short sentences, it built up the suspense and sounded sufficiently scary. However when you got to the last two paragraphs you lost that. It turned into just telling a story, and you somehow got rid of the main emotions that had been present in the beginning. It was still great, but it just had a very different feel than the first part. Other than that, and I noticed a few typos, your story was really good. You should write short stories more often, you're good at it.

Hi

I'll start by saying that I enjoyed reading this.

I think that it could be improved if you added more detail to the piece.

Another thing I noticed is how much emotion you have the oppertunity to put into this piece. Especially at the end when she is talking about her baby being taken by the Snatchers.

- apple96