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The Knight's Secret (1 of 2)



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Fri Apr 30, 2010 3:37 pm
Rosendorn says...



I lay on my side along the cave’s wall, waiting for the dragon to step past me and meet my master. My arm tensed at the sound of scales on stone. This entrance was too narrow for a dragon to avoid me.

My blade glided forward to prick the dragon’s back leg, between the scales. It had thirty breaths until collapsing now.

The dragon looked back into the cave. I was thankful my gray cloak and clothing concealed me. My hand was covered in gray leather, and the shine of my dagger had been dulled for this very purpose. I began counting.

From outside, a voice called, “Are you afraid to face me, Dragon? Are you afraid of a simple knight?”

The dragon lost interest in me and roared at who had disturbed its meal. The scarf over my nose and mouth mostly protected me from the smell of raw and rotting meat.

I tried not to snort at my master’s continuing insults to draw the dragon out. Dragons could hardly understand humans. The sounds were just making him a target. When I had told him that, he simply increased his volume. I was sure the village could hear him.

Fifteen breaths. Hurry up…

Finally. An official challenge roar split the air. A yell from my master followed— not from pain, but effort. To dodge? Or deflect an attack? I would have to ask later.

Twenty five…

I heard a roar of pain before a heavy thud. Twenty eight breaths. I must have put more drug on my dagger for it to take effect a little faster. I moved my arm back close to my body and turned over, letting my cloak conceal me against the cave wall.

My master walked into the cave to find the prize that had been carried off by the beast. Hesitant, very nervous footsteps followed. I stayed quiet as the merchants gave the sleeping dragon a wide berth. My eyes were closed to the stone wall in front of me, and I was careful my breathing wasn’t visible. They shuffled around and grunted as they lifted the book. It was the width of my arm and as thick as my hand was long. I smiled to myself at not having to lift it.

After a lot more groans and breathless thanks, the merchants were on their way. My master stayed behind, saying he needed to dispose of the dragon carcass. A few minutes later, a stone was tossed into the cave. I got up and dusted myself off.

“You’re cutting it close for the magic to work,” I said, dusting off small stones stuck to my sleeve.

His smiling façade dropped away. “If it’s close, get working.”

I glared at him out of the corner of my eye and walked to the dragon. “For how long do you want him gone?”

The knight shook his sweaty hair out of his face. “A year, this time. And send it North. By then they should be able to pay handsomely because of the mines.”

I raised an eyebrow at the time and placed my hand on the sleeping dragon’s forehead. I worded my request as a dragon, adding in false imprints of surrounding dragon activity to make the message stick. It would see the signals everywhere it looked now. I pulled away and felt my legs tremble.

“We have to leave…” I put my hand on my forehead. No mater how much I used this spell, it still drained me. “Soon.”

My master came up to me and griped my arms, taking my weight as my legs weakened on their own accord. I groaned softly as he carried me to his horse and placed me on the saddle so I could sit in front of him, between his arms. He mounted behind me and nudged the horse into a fast walk. I felt his hand brush my arm as I slipped into unconsciousness. His little touches were always a sign that he wanted to praise me for my work.

I felt my head flop against his chest. I would talk him out of it later. At times like this, between his arms and on his mount, I was at his mercy.

And I hated it.
Last edited by Rosendorn on Mon Sep 20, 2010 12:58 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Fri Apr 30, 2010 5:33 pm
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eldEr says...



Wow! I really liked this! I don't have much to nitpick....at all.
I just wanted to know a tad bit more about the character. Obvioiusly he/she has magic, but is it a boy or a girl?
The discription was good and it was all very well written. I really liked it, although I was confused about the 30 breath thing.... Maybe you could visulize slightly more about that?

Well either way this was really good!
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?




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Fri Apr 30, 2010 5:42 pm
MiaParamore says...



Is it a new story?
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Fri Apr 30, 2010 6:23 pm
StellaThomas says...



Well, HELLO. Look what we have here. Omnomnom.

I. NITPICKS

I lay on my side along the cave’s wall, waiting for the dragon to step past me and meet my master. My arm tensed at the sound of scales on stone. This entrance was too narrow for a dragon to avoid me.


Rosey, you yourself taught me a lot about beginnings. But I have to say I'm finding this one a little disappointing as a first paragraph. Even if you started with the scales on stone. Someone lying and waiting... I mean, it might be a dragon they're waiting for, but it's hardly thrilling stuff, is it?

It had thirty breaths until collapsing now.


I'd rephrase this. It's odd.

and the shine of my dagger was been for this very purpose.


Um... wha'?

The scarf over my nose and mouth mostly protected me from the smell of raw and rotting meat.


Why are you giving us this detail now?

“For how long do you want him gone?”


I know this is probably a grammatical thing about not ending on a preposition or whatever, but who speaks like this?

as my legs weakened on their own accord.


of their.

Alright.

II. HALFWAY

That was the impression I got with this- and I realise it's a first part, but still. To me, it seems like you're going halfway with everything. For instance, look at your characters. We know your MC is a magic worker, they work for the knight, and we get an idea of their personality. But we don't know their name, age, gender... bit of a flaw? And the knight himself? At times he seems sympathetic, at times not so much so. We don't have a name for him either. Neither do we know why they're doing this.

As well as that, as great as this is for an introduction, if this is of only two parts, I'm wondering how you're going to fit the whole of the story in the second. Because this is a rather long introduction.

III. OVERALL

It was a good read, don't get me wrong :) You know I love this sort of thing. Just some things to think about.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Fri Apr 30, 2010 8:15 pm
sarebear says...



I like it a lot! I agree- a little bit more about the poison...maybe a flashback? I enjoyed it and think you should definitely keep going.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a psychologist.




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Fri Apr 30, 2010 9:00 pm
Rosendorn says...



Isha- Thanks! :D The "30 breaths" thing is supposed to roughly a minute. Since this is Medieval, they wouldn't have the concept of "minutes" so I needed something else measurable. I always get confused between "breathe" and "breath" so that could be it? (If somebody could provide me a definition and guide to when using each, it would be much appreciated. ^^)

Also, the character confusion thing should be cleared up in the next part.

Shubin- Yeah. But it's only 2k, so one more part and it's done.

Stella- I'd caught one of those nitpicks myself, haha (the dagger thing). I'll have to work on the rest. This was one beginning I didn't actually try to have a full-oh hook, more of a slow drag into the story. I'll probably look at it again sometime.

And the halfway thing... this is what happens when I force myself to not put in too many details at once (bad habit) so I end up putting in not enough. And the second part is twice as long as the first. :P I would have been at the 2k mark so I posted this in parts)

I should be posting that part within the next couple of days.

Sarebear- Again, I was trying to keep details out of this part because adding in too many details is a bad habit of mine. xD Hopefully the next part will answer some stuff. If not, I'll come in and edit this part.
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Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Sun May 02, 2010 12:22 am
Elinor says...



Hi Rosey!

I didn't really enjoy this. I can definitely see some potential in it, but right now it's just very rough. I had to read it through about three times to really understand what was going on, and during that time, I was just thinking, "Okay! Slow down!" Before I begin the review, I just want to say that you should take one tense and stick with it. At the beginning, you're in present-tense, and afterward, it's in past-tense, and that gets a little confusing.

You're obviously introducing a new world to us, but yet you do little to explain it. I understand that you're trying not to info-dump, and that's good, but can't the reader just have a little, so we at least understand what's going on? I want to echo Stella's comments that were made earlier; give us more information about the characters so we're going to be able to sympathize with them better.

I also didn't really understand what was going on! So, basically, your scene transitions need to be a little bit smoother. You start off in a cave, then an...arena? You make it seem like so, especially with the "official challenge and all of that", but the next thing we know we're still in the cave! think the narrator needs to have more of an active part in the plot of this, because right now he just seems to be standing by.

You could also go into a little bit more detail about this part:

I raised an eyebrow at the time and placed my hand on the sleeping dragon’s forehead. I worded my request as a dragon, adding in false imprints of surrounding dragon activity to make the message stick. It would see the signals everywhere it looked now. I pulled away and felt my legs tremble.


Okay, soo, he just talked to a dragon in it's own language? That is a serious ability, and I would like to know a little bit more about it. Is it common? Why does your character have this power?

Now, I understand it's a first part, but again I'm going to echo Stella's comment-make your beginning just as good as the rest of the story so even the impatient ones can understand what you're going at and stick through your story into the end. PM me if you have any questions! Needless to say, I am looking forward to reading/reviewing this next part. :D

-Elinor xo

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Sun May 02, 2010 12:46 am
Explosive_Pen says...



Hi Rosey!
Nitpicks first. I only noticed two small spelling mistakes:

No mater how much I used this spell, it still drained me.

Matter
My master came up to me and griped my arms

Gripped

I found your opening paragraph to be lacking. It didn't make me want to read more. In fact, I thought, "Ugh, fantasy. It's been so long."
The problem with fantasy is that I find it's usually either cliche or vague. Yours was the latter; to tell the truth, I didn't really know what was going on here. Like Stella said, the reader isn't clear on who your characters are. We're not clear on why they're battling a dragon, what the main character is doing in a cave while her (you don't really specify the MC's gender, so I'm assuming) master is running around yelling at a dragon.
If you were going for suspense and mystery, you've got it. But slow down. Give us some imagery so we at least know where we are. Yes, it's a cave but so what? What makes this cave so special that your characters are in it? What makes this dragon so special that they are risking their lives to battle it? Show us.
If you cleared some things up a bit, this would be a great read. Mostly just work on the opening and some imagery.
"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."




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Sun May 02, 2010 1:02 am
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Octave says...



Comments in red.

Rosey Unicorn wrote:I lay on my side along the cave’s wall, waiting for the dragon to step past me and meet my master. My arm tensed at the sound of scales on stone. It'd be nice if you could describe this for us. This entrance was too narrow for a dragon to avoid me.

My blade glided forward to prick the dragon’s back leg, between the scales. It had thirty breaths until collapsing now. This is coming across kind of laundry-list-y. Shake up your sentence patterns please.

The dragon looked back into the cave. I was thankful my gray cloak and clothing concealed me. My hand was covered in gray leather, and the shine of my dagger had been dulled for this very purpose. I began counting.

From outside, a voice called, “Are you afraid to face me, Dragon? Are you afraid of a simple knight?”

The dragon lost interest in me and roared at who had disturbed its meal. The last part of this sentence is awkward. Revise. The scarf over my nose and mouth mostly protected me "Mostly protected me" made me stumble. Revise? from the smell of raw and rotting meat.

I tried not to snort at my master’s continuing insults to draw the dragon out. This sentence is awkward and I think there's something wrong with it grammatically. But I'm not sure. 0o Dragons could hardly understand humans. The sounds were just making him a target. When I had told him that, he simply increased his volume. When did the MC tell the master that? 0o I was sure the village could hear him.

Fifteen breaths. Hurry up…

Finally. An official challenge roar split the air. A yell from my master followed— not from pain, but effort. To dodge? Or deflect an attack? I would have to ask later.

Twenty five…

I heard a roar of pain before a heavy thud. Twenty eight breaths. I must have put more drug on my dagger for it to take effect a little faster. I get what you're trying to say with this but the sentence isn't the best it can be. I think you can do better. Revise. I moved my arm close to my body and turned over, letting my cloak conceal me against the cave wall. Eh? I thought he was already concealed.

My master walked into the cave to find the prize that had been carried off by the beast. Hesitant, very nervous footsteps followed. I stayed quiet as the merchants gave the sleeping dragon a wide berth. My eyes were closed to the stone wall in front of me, and I was careful my breathing wasn’t visible. They shuffled around and grunted as they lifted the book. It was the width of my arm and as thick as my hand was long. It took me a second or two to realize what you were trying to say with the "thick as my hand was long" part. Revise. I smiled to myself at not having to lift it.

After a lot more groans and breathless thanks, the merchants were on their way. My master stayed behind, saying he needed to dispose of the dragon carcass. A few minutes later, a stone was tossed into the cave. I got up and dusted myself off.

“You’re cutting it close for the magic to work,” Huh? I said, dusting off small stones stuck to my sleeve.

His smiling façade dropped away. “If it’s close, get working.”

I glared at him out of the corner of my eye and walked to the dragon. “For how long do you want him gone?”

The knight shook his sweaty hair out of his face. “A year, this time. And send it North. By then they should be able to pay handsomely because of the mines.”

I raised an eyebrow at the time I think I understand what you meant by this, but it gets lost because it seems like he raised his eyebrow at that time but now he sees the wisdom. and placed my hand on the sleeping dragon’s forehead. I worded my request as a dragon, adding in false imprints of surrounding dragon activity to make the message stick. It would see the signals everywhere it looked now. I pulled away and felt my legs tremble.

“We have to leave…” I put my hand on my forehead. No mater how much I used this spell, it still drained me. This sentence doesn't come across right either. Revise. “Soon.”

My master came up to me and gripped my arms, taking my weight as my legs weakened on their own accord. I groaned softly as he carried me to his horse and placed me on the saddle so I could sit in front of him, between his arms. He mounted behind me and nudged the horse into a fast walk. I felt his hand brush my arm as I slipped into unconsciousness. His little touches were always a sign that he wanted to praise me for my work.

I felt my head flop against his chest. I would talk him out of it later. At times like this, between his arms and on his mount, I was at his mercy.

And I hated it.


Final thoughts:

You need to shake up your sentence patterns because it's monotonous when you don't.

I have no idea on who the MC is. No name, unclear occupation, not even the gender. Although I'm assuming she's a girl. At least, I think so. I thought she was a guy in the beginning though.

I honestly am a little meh at this story because, well, I don't sympathize with the MC much since I don't know who he/she is. :\ Just a faceless nameless person. 0o


This review is 100% opinion. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

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Sun May 02, 2010 3:07 am
Squall says...



Hello Rosey.

I lay on my side along the cave’s wall, waiting for the dragon to step past me and meet my master. My arm tensed at the sound of scales on stone. This entrance was too narrow for a dragon to avoid me.


You serious? There is a dragon nearby and she isn't even slightly afraid or tensed? In addition, avoid using weak verbs like "waiting". You make it seem as though the narrator's too relaxed and hence stripping away the "power" of this scene. Also, what master are you talking about? You like mentioned this dude with like no prior introduction.

My blade glided forward to prick the dragon’s back leg, between the scales. It had thirty breaths until collapsing now.


Come on, how would you know if the dragon really had 30 breaths left? If he is tiring out, then wouldn't he be breathing rather heavily? Won't he be like staggering a bit?

The dragon looked back into the cave. I was thankful my gray cloak and clothing concealed me. My hand was covered in gray leather, and the shine of my dagger had been dulled for this very purpose. I began counting.


When you had the narrator being thankful that what she was wearing was concealing her from the dragon, I was like "...what the heck are you doing there facing a dragon if you are thankful for that?" I dunno, it makes the narrator seem a bit whiny.

I heard a roar of pain before a heavy thud. Twenty eight breaths. I must have put more drug on my dagger for it to take effect a little faster.


You could of mentioned the fact that the narrator had drugged her dagger much earlier in the piece. I was lost as to what you meant by the counting.

My master walked into the cave to find the prize that had been carried off by the beast.


I like the idea of a dragon carrying away a merchant's prize, but there's currently no meaning behind this. I want to know what the narrator and/or her master thought about this.

My master came up to me and griped my arms, taking my weight as my legs weakened on their own accord. I groaned softly as he carried me to his horse and placed me on the saddle so I could sit in front of him, between his arms. He mounted behind me and nudged the horse into a fast walk. I felt his hand brush my arm as I slipped into unconsciousness. His little touches were always a sign that he wanted to praise me for my work.

I felt my head flop against his chest. I would talk him out of it later. At times like this, between his arms and on his mount, I was at his mercy.

And I hated it.


This bit of characterization (if you can even call it that) comes out of nowhere. One minute, you were talking about defeating the dragon, the next it goes right to this? Where's the transition?

Overall impressions:

Eh, I thought this was quite boring to read actually, no offense. A big part of this would be because it's in first person. To be successful with first person, you need to establish who the character is, what his/her motives are, thoughts/feelings etc. But here, you did none of that.

We were immediately thrust into a fight scene between the narrator, her master and the dragon without any explanation or background information. As a result, everything seems so random, and it doesn't help the fact that the narrator herself is rather detached from all of this. About halfway through this, I was like "Why should I care?"

If you want to improve on this, then you really need to start having more of a connection with your characters. From what I got of this, your narrator seemed like a flimsy, yet reliable apprentice whereas her master is experienced and knows what he's doing. So why not establish that relationship at the start? E.g: Show the master nodding at his apprentice to drug the dragon and to immediately hide for cover.

And is your apprentice scared or worried in the slightest? You are facing a dragon after all. I mean it's not everyday that your narrator gets to fight a dragon (though I'm sure she has dealt with other things before) so why get into her mind and show more of that fear though lack of experience?

What about your character's personality? You had her snorting at one point so I thought she had somewhat of a tough side to her, but it's so hard to tell, because the narrator has this rather monotonous and bland tone. It's like she doesn't care at all as to what's happening. I mean why were they trying to retrieve the treasure? Why did they want to help out? What were their thoughts on the dragon taking away a merchant's treasure? When did it happen?( a big gray area that you haven't capitalize on. To me, whatever the dragon did seems justified, so there has to be some sort of big prize or stake involved if the apprentice and master were to overlook this fact. Why not have that in the narrator's thoughts?)

I know you can do better than this Rosey. Come on! Consider your words carefully. Focus more on the narrator's fear due to lack of experience against dragons, the rather unusual synergy that the apprentice and master share (it's like a love hate relationship no?) and their thoughts on this "grey area". Avoid mundane details about clothing, weaponry and any other extra info. Focus on the above.

Hope this has helped.

Andy.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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Fri May 07, 2010 9:40 pm
brassnbridle says...



Well I really liked this. I thought it was well-done and interesting, though the actual poisoning I didn't get until I went through and read it again. I'm not sure using 'beathes' as a unit of measuring time is a good idea, just because readers could easily get confused and think you're talking about actual breathing- that's what I thought until I went back and read it again.
Other than that, I have no complaints- I liked it a lot, and I'd love to read a continuation when you post one.
Good luck!
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien




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Tue May 18, 2010 4:20 am
lilymoore says...



Hey Rosey! I'm soooo super duper sorry about not getting to this sooner. I totally forgot about my WRFF thread and then I got swamped with finals.

But on to the review! Or at least to review what everyone else hasn't already apparently beaten me to!

After a lot more groans and breathless thanks, the merchants were on their way.


'a lot' just sounds awkward here. It's just a suggestion, but what about "After more groaning and breathless..." Or something.

My master came up to me and griped my arms


Oops! 'gripped' ?

I felt my head flop against his chest. I would talk him out of it later. At times like this, between his arms and on his mount, I was at his mercy.


This part really confused me. I just have no idea what's going on. I mean, leaving something to hang onto is good, but this seems like too much. But then again, maybe I'm the one confused.


Overall though, this is good and all but it does seem to be lacking something in the style. Things just seem kind of flat. The idea, I like. It's just the presentation I'm not completely fond of.

But that will not stop me! On to part two!
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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Mon Jun 27, 2011 4:11 am
Sonotmybirthday says...



I enjoyed this alot!!! I love anything Dragon related and this had a ton of potential. I was a little confused as I went through it- there felt like there was a lack of character devolpment. I realise this was a pretty short chapter to develop these characters, but if anything causes me to put down a book, it's anoying underdevolped characters. Overall though, I really enjoyed the idea.
BE FIERCE!!!!!!




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Tue Jun 28, 2011 8:28 pm
cityofdragons says...



I could see that this was a piece of a story... I really liked it and it used very good descriptive details. It was very vivid in my mind. The part about the scarf over the nose and mouth was odd, but I really liked where it was placed when you were talking about the clothes. It was very hard to understand since we don't know who the character was and what was happening, but I rather liked it compared to everyone else. I write weird, not only because I'm twelve, but because I don't like writing like normal authors. I understand why you placed everything where it was and I thought it was a really good piece. Keep writing, I really love your work ^-^
Like a dragon, I'll spread my wings and fly. Fly far away from this hatred planet and fly somewhere deep, where I shall be alone. My imagination is paradise.







Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
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