Young Writers Society

Okay all of you... Instead of bombarding your wonderful stories with my editing and constructive critisism, I'm going to post all of my editing on here. You can look at it if you want, and others can also post here too. Everyone's story is going to be edited here, well, at least by me. Thanks!

-Z

Alright for the editing I have to present on this thread is Drizzt's beginning story of the village attack. You can find the original here:

http://yws.nathancaldwell.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=37



Okay... I'd like to start on the first sentence, again. "overlooking his village" is a phrase that caught me after awhile. Can you expand on that for a bit? I mean, I know you go into lots of detail from your great descriptions of the village through your activites you use in it. But still, as a starting point, I'd like to see some more.

Second... You have one fat run-on sentence in the second sentence. Lots of ideas here, let's take it slower k? Split up the sun part and the mountain... It will allow you to elaborate on each of these to make more colorful.

To move along... Your red-gold rays needs to be re-written so that it's not so 'normal' or painful. When you shoot down someone with sun rays, I tend to fry them up like worms on a pan. But the effect you want, is much like eluminating something, or hilighting it. Also, you try to do too much with the angel thingy... As Nate pointed out, it is kinda cheesy.

I very much like the detail of the stolen pies for some reason. It makes it original and not something I'm used to. I do like it though... I do question the parent part. What are you trying to do with this? I can't get it if it's the son that tried to steal his own parents pies or if it's some kid. Little confusing.

I liked the detail on that sexy sister of his, but then you state something about her not caring for the guys gawking at her. You are now getting into a character description when you start using the character's own opinions on things. I expected more from her if she was to start out like that, but I'm guessing she died. Leave the crew out of opinions, as they are for the big casting characters.

Nice ending on the first paragraph, it was like a cliff hanger, but more passively built to lead into the "Oh No!" part of the story. You did it in a way that didn't totally reveal what's coming next. Kinda silent but deadly ya know?

When you start the second paragraph, you use "snapping"... I don't know if that word fixs your style of writing, I like to use the common "rushing" verb to describe the action being intended. I know I know, why use something 'common'? Well, sometimes it's better to go this way then a complete original way. Authors have pretty well used this verb for the type of effect you want, I suggest following them in this one situation.

Also, the corpses are rotting already? How long has this guy been standing there? Man, he is one loyal and disgusting person. j/k I mean, come on, why would someone watch his own kin start to melt their skin off their bones? *shudders at the thought* Moving along... Same sentence. You use 'landscape'; try using the very hill he is standing on, it makes it more personalised. With the burnt flesh part, take out "scene" and replace it with picture. More localised verbs to the main character.

"far way" is too non-explanitory. Show, don't tell me this. Ilike the music part of the story, the flute and all. Only if I (oops, I mean you) could write this part of the story like how music dances on the plain of existance. *sigh* Anyways, back to editing. I took out "going" in the same paragraph, you can keep it. I like the smooth aspect of writing; you have to have a touch in poetry to have the critique-ness of smooth like butter.

When reality comes back, you forgot to start a new paragraph. Also, localise the noun for "reality", it's too not setting perfect. Some goes for "kicking". You try to do too much on this one sentence... Think, smooth like butter.

Usually I wouldn't like the main character to start crying so early in the start of the book. But for some reason it fits your story. I don't know if it's because the character is so young, or what. Same paragraph, localise the adjective "systematically". It's too mechanical for fantasy. They use that adverb in science fiction. Right after that, you use "had been" a couple times. Your teacher may have said this once or twice in other writing assignments, but that's passive voice you are using (I think). Replace all those phrases with "was". Simple. Plain. Butter.

There's no need to continue the 3rd person style of writing, as it's point was already given in the very first paragraph. Personalise the character for us, make him real to me. You make me hesistate when you switch person's like this (besides the first switch where it worked). Take out the passive voice, and replace with "was".

Now, now, now... Let's not get too hefty here. You give us too much information when you state that this character you haven't even named yet, is going to enrole into the soldier academy. Way too much! Let that small diamond detail slide into the story later.

Again, passive voice haunts me... Change it before I do The money in his pocket, is there any way you can show that? Something like the "tinkling" of five silvers in his pocket.

About the memories part, that was good... But I'd like you to take out the "and he could not let them go" part. Not even I can restate that sentence in a way that will fight your story. It's better to just cut it straight from the book. Everything looks great until you get to the very last section of the paragraph. Make it "await" and place "his" after it. I makes it flow better, and yes, like butter too.

Very well done, your story has lot's of potential... Make those small detail changes and you are on the road for writing. I'm going to smack you for ever saying that you suck at writng. *shakes his head* Bah! Alright my work is done here... Tut!

-ZZAP

Locking it till my next editing...