z

Young Writers Society


Untitled (15+ for brief nudity and violence)



User avatar
531 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 8846
Reviews: 531
Sun Apr 24, 2005 3:55 am
Caligula's Launderette says...



The Tree of Life sprouted above him majestically, the blanched white limbs reaching out from it source, spreading the Dima. Placing a weathered hand on the sacred bark, he felt the Dima course through him as it had years before, when he was just a boy. But then the sensation faltered and curled back upon itself as if it had been struck by some invisible foe. He jerked his hand back as the bark crackled and hissed around it. As if it was a well-oiled machine, the Tree coiled into itself, shutting itself off; the Dima growing faint in the process. The young man frowned at the display, never in his years had he heard of such a thing as this; the Dima closing itself off. Peering down at his hand, he found the burn impression most interesting. It was in the shape of a five pointed star with a spiraled circle in the center. Slowly it faded leaving only indents where the tree touched his skin.

The place was dark and dank, and smelled of mold. It touched his lips and nose faintly before drifting on. He didn’t like this place and it wasn’t because of the lack of light or the smell, but that when he stretched out his gift no Dima came to meet it and entangle with his own web. It was completely rotten from within, with no Dima to inhabit the venerable core, it was rank with filth; both physical and otherwise. As he cautiously stifled down the staircase into the cellar, the stench grew stronger and the abyss grew wider, and he steeled himself for what was evitable, not the light at the end of the tunnel certainly.



Flap, flap, flap; the harsh sound of bare feet slapping against frigid stone, cracked the silence of the night. The hurried pace clashed with the seemingly still atmosphere and illuminated the lithe figure that darted down the dim lit street. Although shortly after the figure vanished behind a building, brute forms of muscle followed. The figure sprinted towards some dark building, but the brutes were gaining. Right before they vanished into complete darkness a resounding snap collided with the smokeless air.

Pain erupted from every particle and vein of her body, after the two brutes had caught her, they had dragged her back to the Temple, hitting almost every stone on the way. Now she lay prostrate on the cold, slick floor of the Temple’s Inner Sanctum, blood sprouting from the gashes in her skin. An unfamiliar hand jerked her upwards. She opened her good eye and cursed. The Master then pressed his lips against her blood soaked ones crushing her to him. Then he let go sending her limp body into the ground.

She didn’t want to be healed, she certainly didn’t want a new body, and she foght the strange magik as it twisted and prodded at her malleable flesh, but in the end her mind-strength was not enough. It was her punishment, the new body. The Master had decreed it. Vera should have expected it. She hadn’t got far before they caught her, not even to the outskirts of the citadel. The healer slowly finished with her body before the brutes colleted her again.

This time she was upright when she faced The Master, and could see his colorless face within the dark robes he wore. He looked her over once more and then gestured for his men to leave. He crept up to her like a desert-cat stalking its prey. Vera lowered her face and eyes as she was supposed to do in his presence, pinning them to the ground. She felt him brush her now scarlet hair out of her face before tugging at the clasp that held her robe closed. The soft fabric pooled at her feet. She watched it ripple softly before heaving on itself. The burning scents of rose wood and lavender filled her nose, and a sour taste lined her mouth. Standing in her nakedness, her flesh prickled and she felt eyes graze on her body.

“Better,” he murmured before knocking her to the floor.
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?
  





User avatar
685 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 685
Sun Apr 24, 2005 3:16 pm
Rei says...



Not bad. Only, why didn't you give the male character a name, and why did you wait until the third paragraph to give us the woman's name? Unless you had a really good reason for doing that, I'd suggest changing it.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
  





User avatar
531 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 8846
Reviews: 531
Sun Apr 24, 2005 5:34 pm
Caligula's Launderette says...



I didn't realize that about the names. When I first wrote this I didn't name anyone. I don't have a name for the guy yet so I'll work on that pronto. thanks for the review.

CL
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?
  





User avatar
375 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 375
Tue Apr 26, 2005 12:50 am
Dargquon Ql'deleodna says...



that was confusing and hard to follow, it seemed as if you were writing two different stories at one time. there needs to be some connection beween the man and the woman, because right now i am confuzed as to why you put the first 2 paragraphs in it. it also needs to be lengtheir. overall it is confuzing and hard to follow, i had to read it over many times; there needs to be more discription in the entire part. this could turn into an intersting story it shows potential. 8)
  





User avatar
798 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 17580
Reviews: 798
Wed Apr 27, 2005 4:50 am
Areida says...



Interesting...

I understand the need for an air of mystery in this - it definitely needs it - but it also needs more description as to where we are, who the people are, etc. It's rather hard to follow... sort of confusing.

Good job otherwise.
Got YWS?

"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie
  





User avatar
863 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Male
Points: 2090
Reviews: 863
Wed Apr 27, 2005 6:54 am
Griffinkeeper says...



Flap, flap, flap; the harsh sound of bare feet slapping against frigid stone, cracked the silence of the night.


Why don't you just delete the flap part and make the rest a sentence? Also, the sentence seems to suggest that footsteps on frigid stone sound different than footsteps on warm stone. Here is a better sentence, I think.

The harsh sound of bare feet moving quickly across the frigid stone broke the silence of the night.


I didn't quite understand what was going on, did I miss something?
Moderator Emeritus (frozen in carbonite.)
  





User avatar
10 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 10
Sun May 01, 2005 1:42 am
legondre says...



I thought this was rather good, post more I will be more than happy to read it ;)
  








Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.
— Lyndon B. Johnson