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Charlotte and the Ogre



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Sun Apr 10, 2005 10:39 pm
Rei says...



There was a story here, but I couldn't figure out how to delete the post. Anyway, myego was sorely bruised and I want to pretend this version of the story didn't exist.
Last edited by Rei on Wed Apr 27, 2005 4:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Mon Apr 11, 2005 5:32 pm
Midnight says...



Aww it was quirky, a nice story with a jokey ending. Although what happened with the html in the middle. I wasn't sure about the voice of the narrator, the posh oldie englishness worked in the dialogue but I think for a modern fairytale to work the narrator's voice has to be somewhat lighter and knowing. The use of 'one' and such was a bit excessive, although correct in grammer I suppose. Also I think the names could have been a bit funner, cause that's the fun thing about fairytales you can really play about with names and things and have a laugh.
I have to admit my favourite fairytales have a dark undercurrent which this had a little bit, what with the miller selling John, but perhaps not enough. Although nice, reminded me of the Rumplstillskin a bit what with the changing his mind about the deal. Anyway hope to see more in the future.
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Mon Apr 11, 2005 5:38 pm
Rei says...



Thanks. Any thoughts on what the ogre actually did with John? I'm writing a novel version of this and I have pretty much all the details but that.
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Mon Apr 11, 2005 7:31 pm
Zion says...



wow I never thought I would red a fairy tale. I was wrong
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Tue Apr 12, 2005 11:40 pm
Supermal says...



It was cute :) Good, too. I liked it.
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Wed Apr 13, 2005 6:39 am
Griffinkeeper says...



It had some cliches in it and here is some commentary:

After the fiftieth nobleman left, feeling more than a litle hurt, the king and queen approached Charlotte to ask her why she had rejected him, and what could possibly be wrong with him.


Is this the only time they've asked? Or have they done it fifty times before? If yes, why? If no, why isn't Charlotte ready to tear their heads apart?

Next clip:
Oh, Mother, you mustn't worry so," Charlotte said. "There was nothing wrong with him or any of the other men who have come to call."

"Did you not find him handsome enough for you?" the king asked.


How completely dry. There is a complete lack of character flowing from these characters. Notice how there isn't a hint of sarcasm in her fathers voice. Why is Charlotte saying that there is nothing wrong with him if she rejected him? Why not just go out and say "He is an uptight prick!"

For someone who is mischievious, she is sure being passive. Next clip:
"Father, how dare you accuse me of being so shallow! Each man was as handsome as the last, and more. That does not matter to me. besides, everone knows we are the richest family in the kingdom. I do not wish to marry a man who has come riding up to the castle, hoping for glory and riches, as well as a quiet, obedient wife."


I love the first line, "How dare you..." it makes me think "He's the king, that is why he dares." Then we have a great speech by her. It would be more interesting if they had an argument over the matter. It would be in character for her to be combative.

Truth be told, some of the suiters had left on their own, not telling the king and queen for fear of ofending them. Tales of the princess's beauty were greatly exaggerated. If one were to dress her as a miller's daughter, one would not be able to tell the difference. Charlotte was also not the quiet obedient girl you would expect a princess to be. Oh, she did as her parents and teachers asked, but she was often getting into mischief. She practiced horseback-riding and fencing with her brother, and was often found with the servants, helping with the cooking, cleaning, and mending. That was certainly not the sort of girl most noblemen wanted to marry.


So now we have a bad girl princess, you wouldn't know it from the previous dialogue. Now we get a history lesson. Find a better way to tell us this information, either by dialogue, or another writing trick. Let your characters do the work for a change.

"My dear daughter," said the king one day, "you must choose a husband soon. What will you do when I'm gone?"

"I shall rule along side my brother, I suppose."


Finally, she shows signs of practicality.

But seeing how concerned her father was, Charlotte knew that she had to do something. "I shall seek out a husband for myself. That way, I can choose the right man for me rather than sitting around here and waiting for someone who will simply tolerate my behaviour and plain looks."

So, that very next day, Charlotte mounted her favourite horse and rode off into the countryside. She visited many villages, saw all manor of folk and discovered a world of wonders she had never dreamed of before. She had brought little gold with her, so she only stayed at inns which would give her a room in exchange for her services, which were many after helping with the servants at the castle.


By manor, you mean manner. I think this is too easy; don't you? Where is the conflict?

I'm tellin' ya. I know'd the miller's cousin. She told me 'twas a salad."

"Don't matter why he's up there, or for what price. A boy's been locked up in the top room o' that storage tower so long he ain't a boy no more, and an ogre's got himself a playmate for the rest o' that boy's life."

"Excuse me sirs," Charlotte said, getting up from her table, "but who is this boy you speak of? Is there truly an ogre in this village?"

"Well, now, looks like we got us a well learned lady her, by the way she talks," said the first man.


After all those weeks she might have picked up a little bit of a local accent.

"Please, good sir, tell me of this boy. Why has an ogre locked him in a tower?"

"'Twas the miller's son, John. Business been bad fer poor Mr. Miller some eighteen years ago. Was runnin' low on food an' money. Wife's just died birthin' baby John two months afore. Mister Miller couldn't care fer the wee thing, and he was so hungry he'd do anythin' for a bit o' food. So when the ogre offered him a huge salad--"

"Naw! 'Twas a tin o' biquits."

The two men began arguing about what the ogre had bought the boy with. It really was quite amusing, but Charlotte knew that she wanted to find this tower and get John out. He knew nothing of the real world, and would accept anything she told him as the way things were.

"Sirs," she said. The men went quiet. "Do you know where I could buy a ladder? And perhaps a sleeping draught strong enough to cause an ogre to go into a deep sleep?"

The men told her what she wanted to know, as well as where the old storage tower was. Charlotte thanked the men for their help and set off to get the things she needed.


The two men seem to have the most realistic dialogue in the entire story. If these men were so helpful, why didn't they get the boy down themselves?

It was near dusk when Charlotte finally arrived at the tower. She climbed the ladder and peered into the window. there was the ogre, going about his business, as ogres do. And there was a young man as well, chained to the wall.

Lucky for Charlotte, the <a href="http://www.srch-results.com/lm/rtl.asp?k=cooking%20pot" onmouseover="window.status='<a href="http://www.srch-results.com/lm/rtl.asp?k=cooking%20pot" onmouseover="window.status='cooking pot'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cooking pot</a>'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cooking pot</a> was right by the window. She poored the draught into the pot and got out of sight until she heard a loud thunk before climbing back into the tower, where she found both JOhn and the ogre asleep.

Charlotte searched the ogre's pockets until she found the key to John's shackels. The boy must have had some of the sleeping draught as well, for he did not wake as Charlotte carried him out of the tower. Nor did he wake during the whole ride the the miller's house.

The miller could not contain his joy at being reunited with his son. They hadn't seen eachother since john was a baby, but the miller knew he would love him as a father should. Charlotte stayed with John and the miller for a few days, until the miller asked her if she wanted to marry John.

"That is what I set out to do. I left my home more than two months ago to find myself a husband. But I have decided that I do not wish to marry anyone. I have enjoyed my travels, and do not want to give them up."

But certainly you'll visit?" John asked.

"Yes, of course," Charlotte said. "But you must tell me one thing, Miller."

"What is that, my lady?"

What was it that the ogre gave you in exchange for John? Was it a salad or a tin of biscuits?"

The miller laughed and shook his head. "Both," he said.


I hope the weird stuff in the center isn't in the story. As near as I can tell she pours sleeping draught in the pan, and the ogre falls asleep. She then lifts the sleeping man and rescues him.

Personally, I'd think it be much more cooler if she kills the ogre, saving the village by doing so, and then wait for the man to wake up so he could come down on his own power. Then she could kill the mother, who abandoned her son to the ogre for a tin of biscuits and a salad.

In summary: I understand that Fairy Tales are corny. This thing needs to have more detail than this. You need to spend more time developing your characters. Right now, your characters are all stock characters. They are called stock characters because they are cliched and relatively easy to pull out of a bag of tricks.

Once you establish the character, you won't need to have to use the third person to narrate the history of your heroine, she will do that herself.

From there, you can use the character to spice up the plot. The same stuff can still happen, it just needs to happen with greater difficulty on the part of the protagonist. Even in standard fairy tales, the prince faces a series of obstacles to get to the damsel in distress.
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Mon Apr 25, 2005 11:35 pm
Areida says...



Reichieru wrote:Once upon a time there was a princess named Charlotte who was almost old enough to get married. The king really wanted her to marry because he knew he would not be around forever to take care of her. Suiters came from all over the kingdom, and even from a kingdom to the sounth.


*winces* Please tell me this is an outline. One thing I noticed throughout was that you couldn't seem to make up your mind whether you wanted it to be serious or informal. "The king really wanted her to marry because he knew he would not be around to take care of her." It reminds me of what a grammar school child would say when summarizing a story they'd read.

Also: 'sounth' and 'suiters' should be (I'm assuming) 'south' and 'suitors'.

"Oh, Mother, you mustn't worry so," Charlotte said. "There was nothing wrong with him or any of the other men who have come to call."

"Did you not find him handsome enough for you?" the king asked.

"Father, how dare you accuse me of being so shallow! Each man was as handsome as the last, and more. That does not matter to me. besides, everone knows we are the richest family in the kingdom. I do not wish to marry a man who has come riding up to the castle, hoping for glory and riches, as well as a quiet, obedient wife."


Pretty typical fairy tale dialouge... but dry. Very dry and unrealistic. Did you want it to be a normal fairy tale or were you trying to spice it up? You can't really seem to make up your mind. Also, Charlotte's character is too inconsistent. I mean, first she's all ready to be married off as soon as she finds the right guy, but then...

Truth be told, some of the suiters had left on their own, not telling the king and queen for fear of ofending them. Tales of the princess's beauty were greatly exaggerated. If one were to dress her as a miller's daughter, one would not be able to tell the difference. Charlotte was also not the quiet obedient girl you would expect a princess to be. Oh, she did as her parents and teachers asked, but she was often getting into mischief. She practiced horseback-riding and fencing with her brother, and was often found with the servants, helping with the cooking, cleaning, and mending. That was certainly not the sort of girl most noblemen wanted to marry.



Bad girl Charlotte! Where did that come from? Honestly, I don't even like her. She needs more developent as a character.


"My dear daughter," said the king one day, "you must choose a husband soon. What will you do when I'm gone?"

"I shall rule along side my brother, I suppose."

But seeing how concerned her father was, Charlotte knew that she had to do something. "I shall seek out a husband for myself. That way, I can choose the right man for me rather than sitting around here and waiting for someone who will simply tolerate my behaviour and plain looks."


Blah, blah, blah. Make me care!!

So, that very next day, Charlotte mounted her favourite horse and rode off into the countryside. She visited many villages, saw all manor of folk and discovered a world of wonders she had never dreamed of before. She had brought little gold with her, so she only stayed at inns which would give her a room in exchange for her services, which were many after helping with the servants at the castle.


Wow, that was easy... give it some life, some conflict!!
"'Twas the miller's son, John. Business been bad fer poor Mr. Miller some eighteen years ago. Was runnin' low on food an' money. Wife's just died birthin' baby John two months afore. Mister Miller couldn't care fer the wee thing, and he was so hungry he'd do anythin' for a bit o' food. So when the ogre offered him a huge salad--"

"Naw! 'Twas a tin o' biquits."



Ah hah! A mystery!! Good...


"Sirs," she said. The men went quiet. "Do you know where I could buy a ladder? And perhaps a sleeping draught strong enough to cause an ogre to go into a deep sleep?"

The men told her what she wanted to know, as well as where the old storage tower was. Charlotte thanked the men for their help and set off to get the things she needed.


...and then we lose all the conflict. She gets her materials and directions to the tower, no problems. Ta da. *snore*

It was near dusk when Charlotte finally arrived at the tower. She climbed the ladder and peered into the window. there was the ogre, going about his business, as ogres do. And there was a young man as well, chained to the wall.


As ogres do? Well, I for one don't know what ogres do. Maybe this one had the odious habit of clipping his toenails... perhaps he enjoyed croquet and forced John to play with him all day. Maybe he liked music, and so John had to sing and tap dance for him every day if he wanted to live (sing for your supper...). Use your imagination! Give it some life! I know you have the potential.


Lucky for Charlotte, the <a href="http://www.srch-results.com/lm/rtl.asp?k=cooking%20pot" onmouseover="window.status='<a href="http://www.srch-results.com/lm/rtl.asp?k=cooking%20pot" onmouseover="window.status='cooking pot'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cooking pot</a>'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cooking pot</a> was right by the window. She poored the draught into the pot and got out of sight until she heard a loud thunk before climbing back into the tower, where she found both JOhn and the ogre asleep.


Yeah, that made no sense.


Charlotte searched the ogre's pockets until she found the key to John's shackels. The boy must have had some of the sleeping draught as well, for he did not wake as Charlotte carried him out of the tower. Nor did he wake during the whole ride the the miller's house.

The miller could not contain his joy at being reunited with his son. They hadn't seen eachother since john was a baby, but the miller knew he would love him as a father should. Charlotte stayed with John and the miller for a few days, until the miller asked her if she wanted to marry John.



Wow, my heart is still racing from that fast-paced ogre chase scene! Then the part where the whole family wept with joy when John was finally reunited with them... wow. (do you see what I'm getting at here?)

"Yes, of course," Charlotte said. "But you must tell me one thing, Miller."

"What is that, my lady?"

What was it that the ogre gave you in exchange for John? Was it a salad or a tin of biscuits?"

The miller laughed and shook his head. "Both," he said.


Good concept for the closing line, but I don't really like it. It needs to be tweaked.

Overall, I think this is a good outline for a potentially excellent story. However, it was extremely weak at points. With some work, I think you could really do a great job with it, and I'd be happy to re-review it after you edit it.
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Mon May 02, 2005 4:22 pm
mysterywriter says...



this was actually one of my favorite stories on the board. will you be posting the novel version here?
  








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