Young Writers Society

i reposted it, so ignore this topic.

*mumbles* paragraphs and spaces between them would make it easier to read...

Anther vampire novel eh? Looks good to me so far...it moves a little quickly, we don't get any character desciiption or why how our lass' parents died (besides in a fire), but it looks to be quite good so far. Your writing style is smooth and it flows well!

Okay good but does that mean I should?

much easier to read now, thanks!

Not necessarily, it depends on your own personal style and preference...

By no means bad, but could use a lot of work.

Character deveolopment is almost nonexistent. In fact, I don't really care about Sarah, because I don't really know her. Which is bad.

You could've set the atmosphere a little better; describe Sarah's feelings of when her home was destroyed, etc. I (the reader) need to feel for Sarah and cry if she gets hurt, is depressed, or feel exuberant when her life brightens.

That night the air was filled with the roar of sirens, hurdling towards the house.

This is really choppy. The tense doesn't seem to agree throughout the sentence. These kinds of sentences appear throughout the story, and they definetly need to be changed.
Mm . . . while this may not seem like the BEST option, you could try:

"That night, the air was filled with the destructive roar of sirens. The noise seemed to block out any other sound that tried to enter the human ear, especially one of a distressed girl running down the street."

Better?