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Stop and Stare



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Mon Nov 28, 2011 8:50 pm
Sins says...



Rated 16+ for language, violence and dark themes.


Title: Stop and Stare (although I really need a new one).

Genre: Not actually sure... Realistic/dramatic fiction, I suppose.

State of Novel: Finished.

Synopsis: After tragedy struck him five years ago and with an anything but loving family, Charlie Black hans't had much luck throughout his lifetime. It only gets worse when he's out with his friend, Austin, one night and a brawl leads to the unintentional death of Aimee Cardle: a manslaughter committed by Austin. Both Charlie and Austin are determined to keep the events of that night a secret but it's a lot easier said than done.

When Charlie meets a girl named Zoey Cardle, things begin to appear a little brighter. She's terrified of just about everything but there's something about Zoey that sparks a sense of happiness inside of Charlie. What he isn't aware of though is that a recent tragedy has riffled Zoey and the rest of her family: the unexpected death of Zoey's sister, Aimee: the girl Austin killed.

As revelations begin to unravel, things seem to only get worse for Charlie and Zoey. The secrets and lies build up and any kind of stability they previously had seems to be decreasing faster and faster. How long can someone keep such a deep secret before cracking in the worst way possible?


Author's Note: I've been putting off posting this novel in this forum because it's not exactly the shortest thing in the world, but hey, it's worth a try, eh? Overall it's around 120,000 words long. So yeah. Long. With that in mind, I'll be more than happy to review absolutely anything of yours in return.

Finally, if you have any questions or anything, just let me know! Thanks, guys.


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Tue Nov 29, 2011 12:31 am
Jas says...



I promised. I know I did. It's terrible that I haven't done this yet. Merr, I have an AP Euro test tomorrow, but I will try to read at least a chapter a night. You'll have this by winter break. :]
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apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

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Tue Nov 29, 2011 11:42 am
Kagi says...



I knew I'd been gone for ages but ... I can't believe this is done and other with.

*sigh*

Skins, I love you butI'm so not even going to attempt reviewing that. I'm not going to make aaannny promises with this one.

;)
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Tue Nov 29, 2011 4:53 pm
IcyFlame says...



Well I've already read it, but if you want a very nitpicky review I'm sure I could manage that! Once my I start posting my nano novel on here It means I'll have time to do it :)
  





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Sat Dec 17, 2011 10:32 am
AlfredSymon says...



If the synopsis is this great, I think I'll take a look at this here novel...
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Mon Dec 19, 2011 10:24 pm
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Lauren2010 says...



Dear Skinsy,

This is my starting my review of this novel. I'll update this with comments probably after each chapter as I read, and once I finish I'll post up a copy of the manuscript with my nit-picky comments and edits all over it. Get ready xD

Chapter One: Charlie
This was a pretty good beginning. I like how close we start to (what appears to be) the main/initiating action of the story, rather than spending ages leading up to it. We get our main character established just enough to carry us into the story, start wondering about his family life and friendships, then see the plot get rolling. Lovely.

The characters are well established, especially through means that are showing rather than telling. We see how Austin and Jax act, how Charlie's father acts, and how Charlie acts in regard to each of these people. It tells us a lot about who they are as characters without being told how they are. Charlie's narration is entertaining as well. He sounds rather intelligent in his word choice, but is also kind of pathetic. I like that he's pathetic, though.

While Charlie's narration is good, and establishes a lot about his character, I feel that this chapter is lacking a bit in scene. In several places, I wish I got to see more of what his surroundings looked/felt like to him. Right now, I have to piece together his living room with the park, but everything else in between is a bit of a blur. I'm also unsure of what Charlie looks like, which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing, because I've gotten to put together this image of him in my head. Perhaps that is what you were going for?

There's not much to say on the plot side of things. I like how normal the whole fight felt between the boys. It wasn't anything exceptional, until the girl got stabbed. And then, it was an accident. Very realistic. Something dramatic and showy would have stuck out and felt weird. So good job here!

On the grammar side of things, you'll see when I post up my edits at the end that I've done a bit of commenting on things that should be reworded and such. There is a bit of passive voice used when active voice would be more suitable and more entertaining/exciting to read. There are also parts that could benefit from concise-ness. There are often several sentences used to describe something that probably only needs one or two sentences, and the longer descriptions sometimes make things unclear or awkward sounding. There weren't a lot of these, and they're pretty much marked in my edits.

Chapter Two & Three: Zoey
First, it bothers me that these chapters didn't alternate Charlie, Zoey, Charlie, Zoey. It might be a personal preference thing, but it's nice to maintain continuity. These two Zoey chapters, too, could probably be combined just fine into one chapter. It may require some slimming down, but it could be done without losing the story.

These chapters were good again with things like character development. You do a lovely job of describing characters without outright saying how they are. I like Zoey's character. She's very little sister-y, which is great considering that's what she is. However, she seems to have an unnatural and unhealthy interest in the well being of her older sister. It seems a little unfounded (other than Aimee is pretty careless), and would benefit from a more concrete reason for Zoey to feel this way toward her older sister. It's typically the older sister more concerned for the well being of the younger sister, so this needs a bit more context for it to make sense the other way around.

The only major issue I had with these chapters is at the end of the third. The fact that Aimee's body was found so quickly astonishes me. The passage of time between events is skewed. Considering Zoey probably didn't lose track of Aimee until she was in the forest, Aimee couldn't have gotten to the park until shortly after Zoey came out of the forest/was found by her brother. The park couldn't have been so far away from their house considering Aimee was able to walk all the way there, so with Zach driving the time it took for Aimee to be stabbed once arriving at the park seems like it would match up with the time it would take Zach and Zoey to get home. Therefore, their parents wouldn't already know Aimee was dead. It would take some time for the ambulance to be alerted and arrive to find her in the first place, as well. So essentially, the course of events need to be better aligned with the passage of time. ;)

The only other thing would be, grammatically, there were quite a lot of uses of passive voice rather than active voice. I marked them in the document, so I won't rehash myself here. xD

I've attached the first two chapters, which I had reviewed before you sent me the edited document. I'm continuing with the rest of it in the edited document, but I'm not going to go back and review the first two chapters again xD so if some of the stuff is no longer pertinent, sorry!

STOP AND STARE.doc
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Chapter Four & Five: Charlie
Like with Zoey's last two chapters, these two could probably be condensed into one chapter. The most important scenes are the first conversation between Charlie and Austin, Charlie's college rejection (though that could probably work as a shorter scene than it is), and the Vertigo scene. There's quite a bit in-between that could be slimmed down. Even then, it wouldn't be too terribly long as it is if the two were just combined into one chapter. Together, they're 6600 words as is, which can definitely be slimmed to a manageable level.

I really like the development of Charlie's character in the aftermath of this incident. I like how he's not letting it go, and can't get past it. I also like seeing how the incident is changing his relationship with Austin. Everything is maintaining a good level of realism, which I'm all for. :P

I particularly like the Vertigo scene. It's really well done in terms of development of characters, relationships, and plot and it's well written too.

I don't really have anything negative to say, other than small things I've marked in the document (I promise you'll see this infamous document once I finish reviewing the whole novel) so you can see those later.

Chapter Six: Zoey
Don't have much to say about this chapter, other than Zoey was acting pretty manic. I point to specific areas in my edits on the actual chapter, but there are a lot of times where she is blowing things waaay out of proportion, even for her.

Other than that, a well done chapter!

Chapter Seven: Charlie
My biggest problem with this chapter is how Zoey acts incredibly out of character, particularly toward the end. When she approaches Charlie after his fight, and helps him (unprompted) deal with his injuries. She's been set up as someone who avoid messes/confrontation, and would likely be scared stiff after watching a fight between two boys she just met. I know the scene wants to set up a romantic interest between the two, but you have to follow the parameters of the character you've spent six chapters setting up.

It would make more sense for Beth to approach the boys again after the fight, because she's much more outgoing than Zoey. It would make sense for Beth to be calling the shots, and tell Zoey to come over, and tell Zoey to help clean up Charlie after the fight. You still get the interaction, though with Zoey acting her hesitant, shy, terrified self.

Chapter Eight: Zoey
To come in the near future...
Last edited by Lauren2010 on Mon Feb 06, 2012 7:10 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Sun Jan 01, 2012 12:11 am
stargazer9927 says...



Compared to my novels this is actually pretty short. And the fact it's double spaced changes some things. My novels are 300 pages, 10 pt font, paragraph spaced. I'm just finishing up a novel and it's just barley less words than yours is, and I consider it on the shorter side :P I have another novel I just barley hit the halfway point on and made it into two parts is over 600 pages. Really, it's not that long.

I might read it. To be honest I like reality fiction/contempory fantasy and I learn more toward teen stuff than adult fiction, so I'll have to start reading it. But I owe reviews on here so most likely yes than no :) Just give me some time because everything always gets in the way of reading.
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Fri Jan 06, 2012 7:22 pm
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StellaThomas says...



Hey Skins! Okay so didn't I tell you I'd start this over Christmas? And indeed I have. I'm a little further on than what I'm sending you what I have! Honestly, it's probably best to just stop once you get to the end of Part One- I'd prefer that, if you read my edits for Part One and not Part One and then some. I attempted to put them into a doc by themselves but then it changed extension and YWS wouldn't let me and--- yeah. Okay. They're all here. Read as much or little as you please xD

Overall, I like it. I love the premise of you having this one, life-changing event and how it affects your two characters. Now that they've at last collided I'm looking forward even more towards the discovery of the fact that Charlie was there at Aimee's death. It'll be interesting- and probably horrific.

I'm not going to say a whole lot here because, well, it's all in there! All my comments are prefixed by a "STELLA-" so use a find function to sift your way through, that's probably the easiest thing to do. There are nitpicks and then thoughts at the end of each chapter and then more thoughts at the end of the part. It's not as thorough as you'd probably like, but it's the best I could do!

So here you go!

Hope I helped and drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
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Thu Jan 12, 2012 7:56 am
Sins says...



Thanks for the feedback so far, guys, especially considering the roughness of this draft. I really appreciate it!

Since posting the novel here, I've actually reread it and done some minor editing. Nothing major's been edited or cut out, but I've managed to get rid of over 10,000 words. Soooooooooooooooo. To make it easier for you guys, if you want to have the latest, shorter draft, let me know. It's cleaner so it's probably a lot nicer to read.

So yeah, let me know if you want it and I'll send it to you over PM. Nothing major's changed at all, so you can read from where you left off.

Thankies!
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