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Heaven Like Hell



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Mon Nov 21, 2011 9:40 am
Rydia says...



Document:
Heaven Like Hell word.doc
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Word Count: About 30,000

State of Novel: Incomplete NaNo project

Synopsis:

Guardian Angels exist but they're not at all what you'd expect. They're selfish, vindictive and quite often very, very grumpy.

With the girl of his dreams dead, Tobias doesn't think he has anything left to live for. He's a whiny teenager, over dramatic to the extreme and doesn't intend on living long. Vince has something to say about that. He's sarcastic, more than a bit selfish and isn't ready to let some idiot ruin his afterlife.

When the duo come to the council's attention, Vince has to fight against Tobias' willingness to sacrifice both their lives, but then everything gets turned upside down and suddenly all Toby wants to do is go home. If death means turning out like her, he doesn't want to die and he isn't going to save the world and Vince can just go screw himself because Toby is so not going on a secret mission to fight angels and God knows what else.

Or is he?
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Sat Nov 26, 2011 10:36 pm
Charlie II says...



Review started: 26/11/11

I've downloaded this and will work through the manuscript as and when I can. Are there any particular parts you'd like me to look at in detail, in addition to a broad and meandering review of the piece as a whole? (Don't worry -- I'm aware it's incomplete!)
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
-- Woody Allen
  





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Sat Nov 26, 2011 10:38 pm
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Rydia says...



I think a big concern at the moment is my side plots and construction of the angel world so any comments on that would be so much love <333
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Sat Dec 24, 2011 5:56 pm
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Blues says...



Hi Kitty!
I'm just posting to let you know that I'll be reviewing this. I'll add on parts every now and then. It's the Christmas holidays so I should have enough time to hopefully complete it by the end of it.

-Mac

The Review
Started: 24th December 2011 (Merry Early Christmas, by the way :) )
I'll also make comments on the plot, characters, the angel world and side plots (when I've read it all) as well as a chapter by chapter thing.

Prologue: Comments: I enjoyed the prologue. Your opening line was really interesting and I loved how it didn't really seem to be something to with the party, but the bit about taking her soul made me look at the fact again.
It seemed like a normal event that happens often at parties, but I like how (if I guessed correctly) that this is the way where she could die and not something a bit more dramatic or anything. So far, I'm really liking the writing style as well, which feels natural and is a pleasure to read :)

Critique: A few typos here and there
Abbey throwing up in here earlier. why don't I just stand outside
You forgot to capitalise the 'H' there :)
Faye did look like she was having a goed time though and
there was a few times where you missed out the second 'o' in good so it comes out as 'God'.
and she wanted to be able to say she'd done stuff. ]

Edit: Later on, I realised that the adults were probably the Angels. I'm not sure if it was just me, but I found it a bit confusing. It might have just been me, I'm not sure if Charlie II felt the same, but I think a word or two hinting that they might not be human (e.g. them being pale or something) would help a lot.


Chapter One
Comments: I really enjoyed this chapter. I have to say, already, you've give Laura a definitive speech pattern which seems, so far, unique in this novel to her alone.
I loved this quote here:
it was the smell of a building that covered up its deaths with another spray of the air freshener.

Very fitting.
I also liked how here we saw Toby thinking that Laura should've taken more care, but in the earlier one, she was thinking about not taking it but doing it anyway.

Critiques: My only one here is when the receptionist's name tag says Jenny, but later, someone called Velma is thinking. How did Toby know who it was? I wondered if it was significant because here it didn't seem so here.

Chapter 2
Comments: This was a really interesting chapter. I like how we can see this bit of the Angel world and it's definitely something that makes it interesting. I definitely wouldn't have expected it!
Critiques: This didn't really make sense:
he folded his wings around their bodies

I thought he was still in the air...
“You got anymore advice?”

There should be a space between 'any' and 'more'.
Otherwise, it's great so far! :)
  





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Sun Jan 08, 2012 8:01 pm
Cspr says...



So, I've been working on reading through Heaven Like Hell when I can. I haven't finished it (only on page fifteen! but I've been OCD-editing--sorry--so slow-going) but I've gotten some ideas about it I sort of feel like sharing.

First off, I hope I'm not too harsh!

Secondly, I have enjoyed it. It's entertaining and I want to know what happens next, mainly because teenagers and stupid, jagoff angels, what could go wrong? It's an interesting enough concept and it has been fairly well carried so far. The idea of angels betting on how long their charges will live is somewhat new. While angels are mildly overdone, these aren't young, pretty-boy angels. They seem older, easily annoyed, and probably not very angelic or cherub-like, yeah? It doesn't appear to be a romance. The characters' sexes are even apparently somewhat inverted (suicidal boyfriend-who-lost-girlfriend, party-animal-girl, serious-cynical-girl). It's like you flipped a trope which in my book is cool.

On the other hand, the description and character building to me have seemed lacking. I'm not very impressed. I'm not remembering names of who-is-who because I don't quite care enough. Admittedly, I still have, what, fifty pages to go? Plenty of time to get attached. On the other hand, the name John Wayne Cleaver stuck with me rather quickly once I popped open I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER for example. I should at least remember the main characters' first names. Since I don't want to just seem a jagoff who complains and doesn't offer solutions, I suggest merely thinking more of describing things and people colorfully (I can offer some websites that are better at explaining doing so than me if you'd like). Maybe open a book such as The Sight or something else heavier in description (Dracula did fairly well, I believe). Admittedly, people say stay away from description a lot. As a reader, it's something I enjoy the most. My wannabe-psychologist friend tells me I'm 'a watcher'--I like to be able to picture things, basically. I assume a lot of people do. Maybe think on it? As far as character-building goes, don't just focus on the death. You've done well at character building focusing on it, surely, and I've become somewhat interested in the action. On the other hand, what do I know about the characters? What do they like? Do they have families? What do they do in their free time? Do they have a pet cat? I know it doesn't apparently matter, but if you can weave it in to make it matter? Bonus points. People care about people who act human. Even a villain, a monster, or creature needs to be a little human. Perhaps think on that as well?

Anyway, hope that helps you. Also, this is all (obviously) according to me, so take it all with a bloody saltshaker-full and not just a pinch of salt. I'm fairly new to the game. I've been writing almost five years, sure, but is that a lot? Nope. I hope this helps, though, at least in the way that I'm a teenager and probably part of your target audience.

So, live long, prosper, and hopefully I'll get around to another review relatively soon, 'kay?

-Cspr
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Mon Jan 09, 2012 1:41 pm
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Rydia says...



Thanks for the reviews so far guys, they've been really helpful already and you don't know how excited I am to tackle the second draft. Just reading your comments sends so many ideas flying through my head :)

Also, be as harsh as you want Cspr, it's not going to upset me or put me off at all. I know this has a long way to go before being a complete novel and any help you can give me will be greatly appreciated so don't hesitate to tell me if there are parts that you hate!

<333
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Tue Apr 03, 2012 3:21 pm
Charlie II says...



Here we are, finally! Sorry it took so long. I made notes on a piece of paper so this review will basically be me putting words to them. :)

Chapter-by-chapter

Prologue -- I like how this starts from Laura's point of view. Interestingly I found her a lot more likeable at the beginning than in later chapters. I wonder if that is due to the "quasi-protagonist" position she plays here.

Be careful at the end where the angels are introduced. It's meant to be confused, yes, but that doesn't mean it has to be unclear. I found it quite difficult to work out exactly who people were referring to. While the mystery was good (and a nice hook) I think it's a bit too difficult to understand.

Perhaps if you reread it now, after some time away from it, you'll see what I mean. If not, feel free to ask for clarification on anything! It would be my pleasure. :)

Chapter 5 -- Here we have an interesting change in Vincent's personality, and it's only for this chapter. The angel swaps from being "impatient but well-meaning" to someone who uses cheap insults. I think it's meant to be due to him enjoying the power-rush of talking to his charge directly, but it seems quite a bit out of character.

Cool Vince: "Give the boy a cookie." (It's dry and sarcastic. I can't help liking this guy!)
This Vince: "Angels don't get lung cancer, moron." (It's not nearly as witty. I feel Vince could do better. He's not a bully, is he?)

Also, I should point out, that I love the montage of preparations for Toby's angel campaign. It's just lovely! ^_^

Chapter 7 -- Both of the endings appear to be the same!

Chapter 9 -- The trial seems to shift and change. It was at this point that I got a bit worked up about it. The frequent allusions to this "trial" didn't seem to make sense, almost as if you hadn't fixed the specifics of the trial until you wrote it later on. Am I right? It might just be me that was confused by this though!

Chapter 12 -- I really like this idea that there is a part of the soul that can't bear to leave the earth. That only some is recoverable. It's like the personal feelings cling on and stay behind with the planet. The attachments in life remain attached. It's nice. :)

Chapter 10.5 -- I think this is a really important chapter to keep. It explains Eithne a bit more (especially the noises she "makes"!) and that's certainly something that should make the cut. Also you were concerned about developing the angel world -- this is an ideal chapter for extending it.

Also YWS. I lol'd!

Generally -- You write really nicely. There is so little to say about the actual "writing" part it's unreal. The only thing I can complain about is your occasional use of dialogue tags that seem to associate the words with the wrong speaker.

e.g.
"My name's Toby oh great and all-knowing one." Vincent glared.

Now it should be obvious that Vincent is reacting to the dialogue rather than the one speaking, but I found it quite hard to tell. This happens reasonably frequently through the story and I'm not entirely sure what the convention should be.

Perhaps it would be better to have a line-break to separate the dialogue and the tag? I flicked through some of the books by my bed and I couldn't find a real-life example of dialogue tagged in your way. Still, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong!

Other general comments would really just be me fan-girling over your humour and enjoyment of the English language. Oh go on then. Just a few.

Bells like that shouldn't be allowed in hospitals.

... would have put vampires to shame, had they actually existed.

Oh I enjoy your writing so much. Is this likely to be finished? Is the rest plotted? So many questions left unanswered!

Characters

Toby -- He's quite nicely pathetic. It seems like his love for Faye, and general curiosity, are his main motivators. He's a good hapless hero and, despite his occasionally annoying angst about Faye, he's a very likeable protagonist. It's good to see how much he drives the plot through curiosity -- I think that works nicely.

Vincent -- Great grumpy guy. His motivation to keep Toby alive (and avoid anything too much like hard work) is nice and it works well. My only issue with him is in Chapter 5, as I mentioned earlier. Also I think his development in 10.5 where he tells Eithne not to look out the window is *very* important! It would be nice to have a bit more of his purpose shine through earlier in the novel, but that's up to you.

Aldar -- The wings. There's gotta be something sinister about the wings.

Laura -- Aw Laura. She's kind of tragic, but *so* human. I recognise the blind devotion from people I've seen in real life and, as an author, you capture this humanity perfectly! Later on in the novel you return to the story of the ones Toby leaves behind and it's really great. I like to see how new "heroes" present themselves in the hour of need.

James -- Slimy slimy James. He definitely needs recapitulating with more sliminess. I wanna know more about him and the "relationship" he has with his angel. There are implications but I think it'd be nice to find out more concretely.

Eithne -- What a creepy lil' kid. What is it that they're hiding from her? Why does it need to be hidden? How powerful is she? All the questions are tantalising and, as long as you give some semblance of answers soon, the hook is working. :P

Faye -- I think you need to decide which "Faye" you're keeping. Are you keeping the "same Faye with memory loss" or the "Faye with appearance and feeling loss"? I like the second choice, if I'm honest, but whatever works for the story would be good. Other than that, she doesn't really feature properly until the end. It's interesting, especially how she's behind Toby's choice to become a Guardian Angel. It'll be interesting to see how this concludes.

Construction of Angel World

I've talked a bit about this as we've been through. I like the "gritty realistic" angels and how many of them there are.

The "Fallen Angel" pub is nice although we hear very little about the other patrons when they return there, despite how Vince is supposed to be quite popular with the betting. I was a bit surprised none of the other angels wanted to see what the "horse" they were "betting on" was doing in the pub!

Also I feel there should be some system behind the wings. Like, do they represent something? Aldara's wings are epic, but couldn't that be a sign of something darker and more sinister? I like things that appear nice but really have a terrible cost to them! Perhaps that's something you'd like to consider?

"The Council" and its duties are still quite vague to me. I wonder if it might be a good idea to clarify what their aims are and what's going on. Obviously the novel so far is a build up to some missing angels, but could that be made clear earlier on? It seems like we've got a long way and only just found out what needs to be done!

Other than this, I'm not sure what else to say. Perhaps, if you want opinions on more specific things, you could give me a list and I'll work out what I think about them? I'm sorry I can't be more thorough, but this is all I've got today. I hope this helps, even in the slightest.

Take care, Heather. This is a great work and I enjoyed it immensely! Like I said, I can't criticise your actual writing so the best I can do, in this review, is to give you a flavour of how I felt while reading it. I hope that I've managed that.


Charlie
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
-- Woody Allen
  








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