Young Writers Society

I kinda ran out of patience here, so I'll be taking this down. In another day or two I'll be past needing the feedback on this section anyhow, that was for then. Thanks so much for the feedback that did arrive

Hello Petty! Demoness here to make a demonic examination of this demonic piece!

So, where shall I begin? Maybe I should say that I really enjoyed reading this, you're very good at describing settings, you manage to make them feel very real and vivid! I also liked the news-paper article, it made the story and what was happening much more global all of a sudden! I also liked it because you had these more comic parts that gave the heavy story a taste of something that made the horror sort of hilarious.
Another thing that I liked about this story is that we get to follow different people who has to deal with this catastrophe in different ways and how they are all affected in various ways as well. All though I was hoping that they were all come together at one point or something to bind the story together... this didn't happen though, or at least hasn't yet
Finally - I wanna say that I love the little cliffhanger at the end... with the moon!

Overall! Nice job, I don't have much complaints part from that I think the story is spreading in to many directions, I'd like it to be tied together somehow

(I vote for paranormal thriller, that's what it struck me as the most!)¨

So far, this is real interesting and I'll give 4/5 icky, sticky spiders!

Hope I could be of Help!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hello Petty! Demoness here to make a demonic examination of this demonic piece!

So, where shall I begin? Maybe I should say that I really enjoyed reading this, you're very good at describing settings, you manage to make them feel very real and vivid! I also liked the news-paper article, it made the story and what was happening much more global all of a sudden! I also liked it because you had these more comic parts that gave the heavy story a taste of something that made the horror sort of hilarious.
Another thing that I liked about this story is that we get to follow different people who has to deal with this catastrophe in different ways and how they are all affected in various ways as well. All though I was hoping that they were all come together at one point or something to bind the story together... this didn't happen though, or at least hasn't yet
Finally - I wanna say that I love the little cliffhanger at the end... with the moon!

Overall! Nice job, I don't have much complaints part from that I think the story is spreading in to many directions, I'd like it to be tied together somehow

(I vote for paranormal thriller, that's what it struck me as the most!)¨

So far, this is real interesting and I'll give 4/5 icky, sticky spiders!

Hope I could be of Help!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Excellent, thanks, Demoness!

Hey Pettybage,

I would rather not download the file from those sites. If you would like a review from me, I have one of two suggestions: The first is to copy the text into a private WriterFeedPad. You can then share that with me. I think this is the better option as I would be able to make notes as I read through in a different color and you would end up with a very thorough review.

Alternatively, you can publish it with Google Docs and share the link here, or with me in PM. You can then delete it at a later stage if you want to, and I will post my review here.

I'm sorry, I dislike downloading files to my computer from file sharing sites and the like for fear of viruses and spyware.

Regards
Yoda

Can't argue with that, Master Yoda, prudent this approach is.
For a second there I thought I can now upload files to this section, but no. Still, I managed to send it via PM

Hi Pettybage

This is a review of the first five chapters, and it deals with my response to the story so far and how you have written it.

Your style is very reminiscent of Arthur C Clarke. The mode of narration is too distant to be able to connect with any of your characters properly, but character stories and tension are immediately present and compounded with each step you take. You seem to be developing a very interesting plot, and your exposition is very strong and solid. I can see this getting published.

Since 2001: A Space Odyssey, story telling has changed a lot in focus. In some respects it has moved on from the purely plot and external conflict driven. There is now a large emphasis on building emotional ties between the reader and the characters. Popular modern sci-fi, like Kim Stanley Robinson's Red Mars and Peter F. Hamilton's Reality Dysfunction are prime examples of this. Already in the 1950s, Alfred Bester began emphasizing this importance in his Hugo award winning novels, The Stars My Destination, and The Demolished Man. In 70s, Le Guin expanded on these character relationships in The Dispossessed.

This element is missing from your novel so far. Your characters are not distinct enough for us to want to connect with them. They are too typical. There is also the distant mode of narration that makes it difficult to do. Alfred Bester got around this by making his characters distinct and very interesting, and the distance in his mode of narration might have worked to his advantage because of it.

You are unquestionably an excellent writer. I would personally tone down some of the over the top description that is intended solely to impress the reader in favor of focusing more on the story, but I understand how the aggressiveness and precision gives your narrator credibility. If you do try to become a little more invisible, you might jeopardize that. It's something to think about that might improve your story if you can pull it off. Pushing the story to the fore while letting the narration sit in the background often creates a more compelling tale.

The biggest challenge that strikes me so far is the fact that all of your components have been done together in one fashion or other. Crazy tentacular aliens have been done so many times it's scary. People getting lost and abandoned in space too. Then the telekinetic bit comes straight out of the X-Men. And the bright compelling light that is seductive? That's been done too.

So, I'm not one to tell you that you can't write a story based on cliches, because you can. They all work, and when you add your own spice to it, it tastes really good. What I am going to tell you is that when you use these elements, you need originality and the way to get that is with unique and strong characters with their own agendas who are real and interact together in an entertaining manner.

Those are my thoughts at this stage. I'll let you know more 10 chapters in.

Thank you very much, Master Yoda, you have an eye for things undoubtedly. Just mere hours ago I was sitting on the toilet seat, leafing through a collection of Clarke's short fiction, and I thought I spotted certain similarities. (I thought I was writing in a different tradition). Anyway, you spotted this immediately.

Aggressive narrator is bang on too - I was comparing Harrison's The Plague From Space and Crichton's The Andromeda Strain a few months ago,and what struck me was Crichton's 'authoritative' narration, so that is also an influence which appears from time to time.

I totally need further feedback if you're in the mood, my 'getting impatient' hissy fit was a hissy fit, I may be impatient but feedfback is never too late.

And yeah, this whole story is plot driven to the extreme and the complexity of the characters is on the level of an Indiana Jones adventure.

P.S. the first chapters are always best with me at draft stage, as the story unfolds the prose gets thinner, placeholder sections pop up, and chapters of secondary importance go missing - just fair warning

Hi Pettybage

This is a review of chapters 6 and 7.

I am going to start with the scene of the heebie-jeebies attack. I know all you tried to do here was add another piece to the puzzle of the mysterious events of your world, but a freaking monster just popped out of the ground and was gonna kill everyone. Bullets were flying left, right and center and there is chaos everywhere. Nevertheless, given that you know that all you want from this scene is the fact that these heebi-jeebies attacks are cropping up all over the place and the description of Julian's priorities and reporter attitude, you end up writing the section as though it were of a person playing golf alone. There is no excitement or drama in the scene and certainly no sense of urgency.

I suggest you tone down the description, and describe things as they happen during the action scene rather than after they do. Perhaps shorten sentences and paragraphs too.

The second thing I want to talk about is tension. We see a tentacle that manages to take one little lady and squeeze the daylights out of her. And she still remains alive. Very scary tentacle, isn't it? You have like fifty people there at least, and they can all go and trample the tentacle to freaking death. If you want this scene to work have the tentacles kill twenty of the people in sweeping crazy moves that strike fear in the heart of men. Have the tentacles rip cars from the roads and toss them to the air. Let us know that there is something to be truly scared of by highlighting the stake initially.

That's it for chapter 6.

Chapter 7 is much tighter and stronger in my opinion. You start telling an entire story of which only a short bit is resolved. They can breathe for now, but in a few hours they will be incinerated by atmospheric pressure. Yes, the tension here is much stronger and begs us to answer serious questions. The only thing which struck me a little off was how initially Hannah asked whether the green light was on yet, when she was willing to remove her helmet before then. She should have merely waited until she could breathe no more without caring about the green light. Just a minor point, though.

I also would not have included the report in this chapter as it has nothing to do with the rest of the chapter and looks out of place. In other news, I highly doubt that people such as the crazy guy who believes in the government conspiracy would ever be quoted by the press. For this belief to be widespread or accepted by any even cult of people seems a little ridiculous.

Sheesh, next thing you'll be saying imperial and rebel space fighters shouldn't make sound as they fly through space and fire laser bolts. But seriously, thanks, all this, about story rhythm and tension credibility is very important and is going into the vaults and will be seriously consulted! Keep 'em coming.

Hi Pettybage

I am back with the review on the rest of what you posted that I have now officially finished. Interestingly, enough I really liked the story overall and I am even going to revise some of my earlier criticism.

The first point that I would like to make, though, is that this is most certainly not dark fantasy for more than one reason. Firstly, it's not dark at all. And secondly, it is not fantasy. At least at this stage of the game. This reads as pure sci-fi/action and don't know why you would want to assign it the label of dark fantasy.

This review is not going to be particularly well structured, and I am going to start off with an extremely arbitrary point. I am not really a fan of the occasional newspaper clippings that you tag to the ends of a couple of your chapters. In particular, it seems to me that every single article that appears in the newspaper looks to be written by the same person. You have one distinct newspaper voice and your journalism is consistently bland, with neither melodrama or satire. The only satire that exists, actually, is your satirical portrayal of these journalists. And I think that this would only be improved by adding a little bias and personality into the news.

The theme that runs a lot through your story of the corruption of the power-elite is also very satirical. You shy away from realism in favor of generalization and stereotype to help you put across your political agenda. The theme of everyone being out to protect their own skin first, selfishly and at the expense of others comes across very strongly. The cynical view on the absence of real heroes amongst the powerful is a very potent and thought provoking idea that readers are left to struggle with. In this way, your story is more similar to an Orwellian abstraction than it is to an action story.

Be that as it may, I can't bring myself to dislike this over-the-top exaggeration of a distorted reality as in an allegorical and moral light it is very effective. The progressions and parallels of each character's internal struggle to survive is very well presented and makes your story very interesting. This conflict, if nothing else keeps me reading.

I am going to retract my earlier suggestion about adding character depth. Defining characters as individual and emotional would reduce the aforementioned conflict by muffling the equation between the characters that allows us to sympathize with each of their decisions. It would in turn tell us who to support and who to abhor. I think it's far better to leave the reader's conscience to struggle.

In terms of description, you have portrayed certain things in a crystalline and magnificent fashion, and certain things have been stripped entirely of detail entirely. Where I begin to look at the writing and say who does this pretentious person think he's writing for, I begin to worry. Purple prose periodically creeps up and I just grimace to myself. For example, in Chapter 17, when describing Jamil's disgust for the infidels and their western abominations, I found myself almost ready to stop reading.

Girls and women and even grannies were dressed in provocative clothes. Even in wintertime there was no escape from the poisonously carnal colored jackets; the pornographic hairdos; the grotesque, obscenely sagging handbags; the insinuatingly glistening lipstick and the immoral multicolored eye shadows; the bizarre nail varnish hinting at its even more sinful brethren hidden inside the leather boots.

The number of adjectives that you use to describe what is essentially the same thing is horribly clumsy. It does not serve to show Jamil's fantasies at all, and you'll need to rework this section a lot if you want to portray them. To focus more of a progression of Jamil's thoughts. His eyes' movements towards and aversions from certain parts of a woman. You know, get creative. Your verbosity is unrealistic and removes us from Jamil's eyes.

This is only one grotesque example of this. You have several others throughout your story, and I think a run-through of your story would help you weed a lot of it out. When in doubt do without. The more you write, the less you say. Brevity is the soul of wit, etc.

I'm very much liking the way that your different story lines seem to be weaving together. They look great, though I won't be able to comment on this much until I've read the end. For now, though, know that I would definitely read forward.

That's pretty much most of what I have to say.

Keep well!

That was a very thoughtful and to the point feedback, Master Yoda! You rule!

That bit about not dark and not fantasy sounds like Voltaire’s opinion of the Holy Roman Empire – that is was neither holy, nor roman, nor empire.

I hadn’t realized that the accumulation of the behavior of the characters would combine into such a bleak and nihilistic and stylized presentation – I blame all the noir pulps I’ve been reading lately. Ted Lewis and Jim Thompson most of all, though Ross Macdonald is also not beyond reproach. And while throwing blame around, I’d like to use this opportunity to point the finger at Koontz, the master of trying to impress people by enumerating stuff, as the one responsible for the ‘grotesque handbags’ and similar phenomena.

This project has turned out to be about six times as demanding as I had envisioned it to be back during the playful planning stage, and I’ve had to leave it, then come back to it, then leave it again, then come back to it again, which, among other things, leads to a very uneven narrative voice. When the time for fleshing out and editing comes, I’ll have to do my best to even out the style and eliminate the abrupt changes in places in which they’re not planned to happen.

Very good point about the news sections. I also think that the style should differ, and in keeping with my attempts to utilize everything in as an efficient a manner as possible, I even thought I’d let the changing tone of the news convey the rapid changes in society. First more-or less normal reports, with a bit too much reassuring and silly stuff. Then a more disciplinary no-nonsense style combined with lots of happy news of weddings and kittens, and finally semi-coherent gibberish. But for now, while I do the draft, I just put ‘placeholder’ signs on the places where the other news sections should be.

I’m certainly going to try and deliver the other half of the adventure within the week, but boy am I afraid of seeing the finished version. Like every time:)