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A Taint of Red (Draft 2)



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Thu Nov 25, 2010 3:11 am
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Forestqueen808 says...



Katarinna Dresner is a respectable woman of the Nazi party. Her father being an officer in the Nazi army, she is expected to follow the life style laid down before her. But when she meets Jacob Gottlieb, a Jew struggling to maintain a small household of his two children she realizes that the ways she has been taught are false, that there is so much that hasn’t been said. When her father leaves to go be an officer at a labor camp and leaves her behind to take care of their home she hides Jacob and his family, falling even more madly in love with him and more into the depths of treason against the Fuhrer.

A few changes in this draft

-Told ALL first person
-Alternate ending

I'd like to get this back as soon as possible so I can make more changes! Thanks!
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Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf
  





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Sun Dec 19, 2010 3:08 am
Octave says...



Locking. Author didn't crit another work in AC. ^^
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


Dulcinea: 2,500/50,000
  





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Fri Dec 30, 2011 4:38 pm
Jitterbug says...



Forestqueen, your novel was absolutely inspiring! I had not been so deeply moved by a story in a long time. It's a classic story of forbidden love, only it's told within a setting of mindless brutality and prejudice, which makes it all the more compelling. Your plot was woven together nicely; it was written with a lot of forethought and a lot of heart. And the more I read, the more I grew attached to your characters. They made me laugh, cry, and cheer them on. Which, of course, are feelings that real people engender - not card-board cutouts. There's one thing I felt you should have changed, though. To me, it seemed that Katarinna and Jacob grew fond of each other too quickly. By their second meeting, they were already chatting like friends. I know there was some chemistry between them, and that they were both caring individuals, but considering how they were raised - especially Katarinna - and the conditions they found themselves in, I thought their second, friendly exchange was a little premature. After Katarinna helped Ashira in the alleyway and took her home, I felt then would have actually been the perfect time to have Katarinna and Jacob open up to each other. It would have made their quick bond more believable to me. Another thing that happened too fast for me was when Katarinna got her first job. I'm sure certain things were a little easier back then, but she walked into the store and, after only a few words with the manager, had the job and was given her starting day. I thought the process should have been more of a challenge for her. Maybe have the manager probe her with more questions before he made his decision, or have Katarinna use her intelligence and charming personality to convince him. I thought it would have made that part of the story more engaging.
Another thing I would change is how you frequently describe Katarinna as laughing. In many parts of the story, Katarinna will say something and you proceed to tell us, “she laughed.” Sometimes you overuse this description. It is my opinion that once you get to know a character, you can pick up on their tone of voice merely by what they say and how they say it. I realized I had made the same mistake when I went back to read my own novel. I have a character who constantly complains, so I found myself overusing the word “whine.” “I got a headache,” Mark whined. Not long later “This is ridiculous,” Mark whined. I should have used this word once and been done with it. So instead of repeatedly telling me that Katarinna “laughed,” let me infer what her attitude and tone of voice is by what she says and how she says it.
Anyway, the important thing is, your characters were deeply drawn, and they kept my interest and tugged on my emotions the whole way through. You also captured the feeling of that era very well, and I found myself fully immersed in a world where Jews faced unspeakable suffering, and where anyone who so much as touched or befriended a Jew suffered with them. In the beginning, your descriptions of Katarinna's home in contrast to Jacob's was a sad and touching eye-opener to the bitter truths of those times. It showed how even good and compassionate people like Katarinna took what they had for granted. And made me think of the many blessings that I should be thankful for as well.
There were other scenes that I was deeply moved by. When Katarinna steps out into the street during the dead of night and finds the picture of a Jewish family, I felt as if I wanted to grieve and cry out with her. Katarinna's first and final moments with Jacob's mother was also moving. Katarinna walks into the room and, instead of finding a ratty, unkempt woman, she discovers a beautiful human being who is cherished like her own mother and undeserving of death. These two scenes were poignant moments that I think furthered Katarinna's love and compassion for the Jewish people, and I couldn't imagine the story without them.
One thing I wished you could have gone into greater detail about in your novel, though, was the city of Frankfurt. What kind of buildings did they have? What kind of shops, bakeries, and factories? What kind of status did the city hold in Germany? I understood a little about the city based on the brief descriptions you gave me, but I would have liked to known more of the city's history. This would have drawn me deeper into the setting and the story. ( Unfortunately, history is not my strong suit ).
Speaking of details and descriptions, one thing I found curious was a few analogies that you used throughout the novel. For instance: Darkness had fallen over the city like a ghost, gentle, and sudden.
The smell of smoke hung in the air like stars sprinkled across the indigo blanket.
Shots chattered in the air like school children.
It seemed strange to me that you would compare harsh, unpleasant things to beautiful, pleasant things. To me, ghost and the word gentle don't go together. The same with comparing smoke with stars. Also, I have a hard time comparing gunshots with school children. For the first sentence I mentioned, maybe try something like: Night had crept over the city like a dark ghost, silent and ominous. For the second: The smell of smoke hung in the air, the very essence of violence and biased hatred.
You get the drift.
There’s also a few parts in your story that I didn’t understand:
• When Kat tells Jacob that Hannah and Ashira were taken to the Polish camps, how did she know the camps were in Poland. Kurt never told her where the camp was located. He merely said: “It’s off in the country somewhere and it’s a brand new camp, a small one, I don’t know any other information.”
• In the scene where the soldiers storm up and search the attic, you explained how Jacob and his sisters hid themselves, but what about the other items in the attic, such as the mattresses and the toilet bowl? Did they find a way to hide these items as well? Wouldn’t the soldiers have been a little suspicious that someone was living up there after seeing these?
• Also, when Ashira visits Kat after the night of her mother’s death, why were they acting so casual? I thought they should have been more solemn, considering what had happened that night.
• Sorry, but here’s another few, minor observations. At the beginning of chapter 14, it says a cold wind blew. Then it says the weather was warm for November. Perhaps you should have clarified by saying something like: Though the wind carried with it a biting chill, it was still reasonably warm for November.
• When Kat is getting ready to go on her first date with Kurt, her mom tells her that she wore the dress so many years ago that she wasn’t sure it would fit anymore. I thought Kat’s mom was slim, anyhow? Why wouldn’t it fit her?
• And near the very end, when Kat ends up drinking tea in Miss Steiner’s house, you describe the tea as being tepid - yet the tea is steaming and warms her insides.
Sorry, I know I’m probably coming off as being a nitpick, but I was just as analytical when revising my own novel.
Now for my take on the story’s conclusion: I thought it was absolutely brilliant! I couldn’t have imagined a more fitting climax. When Kat and the others were captured in the end, I was totally held in suspense as to what would happen to them. In the gut-wrenching scene where Kat lay in her cell, pregnant and malnourished, I seriously wondered if she would survive in the end. If you've ever seen the film, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, then you know not all stories end well, but choose the way of gritty realism.
Anyway, you took me through the worst possible scenario; then raised my hopes and turned things around as Kurt came to her rescue. Then, having her escape, board the train, change her appearance somewhat, and flee to Switzerland was a great way to take an already exciting story and turn the suspense up a notch. It was quite a powerful ending. There were only a few parts that I wished you could have drawn out a little longer. Like when Kat was in prison. It was an emotional, agonizing scene to have her lying on the floor of her cell, hoping that her pain would soon end. But I wish you would have also shown her agonizing over her upcoming execution; I thought it would have built the suspense, so that I had a chance to dread what was coming. I didn't even have time to feel shocked or worried when the soldier woke her up and announced that she was to be executed. Everything was happening too fast for me. I barely found out they were going to kill her, and suddenly Kurt shows up to save her. If you would have drawn out the suspense a little bit more, I thought that would have enhanced the element of surprise.
And even though I love how Jacob showed up and surprised Kat in the final scene, I wished that maybe you could have drawn that part out just a little bit longer, too. Before she joyfully shrieks out at the sight of him, it would have been nice to just have her stand there in utter shock. You know, have time stand still for a moment, so that this wonderful, heartwarming moment could steal my breath away. ( Sorry, I'm very sentimental). I thought it would have been touching to include Ashira in the scene as well.
I also would have liked to known how Jacob got back to Germany, and how he made his way to the wedding. What did he look like? Had he changed any since Kat saw him last? And even though I have somewhat of an idea of how long Kat was in Switzerland - mainly because of how young her son was - I'd like to know exactly how many years transpired before she was able to go back home.
I hope I don't come off as sounding overly critical. I'm merely trying to help. All in all, I thought your novel was beautifully done. It was gripping, romantic, and thought-provoking. I cannot imagine anyone not wanting to publish it. I think we need more stories like this, that take us out of our comfort zone and make us face the heart-aches of the past, so that we can remember and learn from them.
Hope my opinions were helpful to you.
  








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