z

Young Writers Society


Let me Love You



User avatar
456 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 368
Reviews: 456
Mon Oct 25, 2010 6:31 pm
Rascalover says...



Hello :)

This novel is about a couples journey after the main character falls into a coma. I have had alot of editing grammar wise, so I would perfer if you would focus on the plot and characters, but if there is something about the grammar that is absolutely killing you, please let me know.

Happy reading:
Attachments
letmeloveyourevised.doc
(237.5 KiB) Downloaded 130 times
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html
  





User avatar
151 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 8414
Reviews: 151
Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:43 pm
View Likes
Forestqueen808 says...



Rascalover!!! Since you helped me a bunch by your review of my novel I shall review yours as best as I can! I'll try and have this done as soon as possible!
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf
  





User avatar
456 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 368
Reviews: 456
Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:07 pm
Rascalover says...



Thanks, I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed your novel.

Blessings,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html
  





User avatar
770 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 30301
Reviews: 770
Tue Oct 26, 2010 9:57 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Hey there Rascal,

I'm actually quite nervous about this because I've never done an advanced critique before.

I enjoyed this but left you quite a bit of comments. They are meant to be constructive, PM me if you have any questions.

Thanks for the read, hope this was helpful.
Tanya :D
Attachments
letmeloveyourevised-review.doc
(233 KiB) Downloaded 101 times
  





User avatar
319 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 9100
Reviews: 319
Tue Nov 09, 2010 2:31 pm
Jashael says...



Hey, Rascal. Sarreh for posting this late. This'll be the second time I'll be giving out an advance critique (but the previous one was unfinished thouhg O_o the writer said that only a chap would do. LOL =))) )

Oh, by the way, I'm jashy and I believe I have given you a couple of reviews before, right? A poem and a short story if I'm not mistaken. LOL Never mind that.

Okay, first I'll be nitpicking about Chapter one and Chapter two. I'll tell you later the other things that needs to be told. XD

Pay attention to the green words; I'll be using pink font for other nitpicks, kay? =)) Here we gooooo!!! WEEEE... xD

~

Joe Don asked as Gary and himself sat in the waiting room with Destiny, Joe don‘s wife.


The right pronoun there should be "he". You wouldn't say "himself sat in the waiting room", right? Himself is a reflexive pronoun. It is used to refer to oneself. If you "Joe Don asked as he seated himself..." that's right.

Also it used to intensify or emphasize what was done...uh. Ex. "Joe Don asked as he himself sat...blahblah"

If you need to know more about pronouns, visit this page:
http://www.esldesk.com/grammar/practice/pronoun-types

I hope that helps. Mastering pronouns is critical--well, just like all other types of parts of speech. XD

~

Belle’s health, on the other hand, isn’t as bad as it should have been; but don’t get me wrong, she’s in critical condition.


I think that should be "would"?

~

Okay, you need to pay attention here. These...

“I was going to… I was going to break it off tonight with Belle. Things aren’t working out. But now I can’t because she’s in the hospital. I can’t break up with her while she’s like this.” Jay said as he hit the back of his head on the wall behind him.


“What? Jay, this is crazy; everything looked like it was going fine.” Gary replied amazed.


are called 'sentence extensions'. It can be very, very tricky I know. I've been there. LOL

They should be...

“I was going to… I was going to break it off tonight with Belle. Things aren’t working out. But now I can’t because she’s in the hospital. I can’t break up with her while she’s like this,” Jay said as he hit the back of his head on the wall behind him.


“What? Jay, this is crazy; everything looked like it was going fine,” Gary replied amazed.


I believe you can do that on your own by now. =))) You did it right in this one...

“Gary, we fight constantly at home. Out in public we have to restrain ourselves from killing each other. She’s my best friend and I love her, but we don’t like each other any more; she knows that,” Jay said, making himself sick to his stomach to have those words fly out of his mouth.


See? Though take note, anymore is one whole word. =)

~

This one you did an awful lot of times, I can't point out each one. Pay attention, I know you were using Microsoft and I do not understand why you didn't pay attention to the green underline of the program.

Snapping him out of his daydream, Jay asked, “ What am I suppose to do? Gary I just can’t hurt her while she’s clinging for dear life in a hospital room.”


There should be no space between the open quotation mark and the word following it.

Gary was silent for a second and then said, “ Well Jay you are going to hurt her no matter when or where you do it, but you’re right not to do it now. It would tear her to pieces.”


See? But proofreading would do the trick! =))

~

Be careful of tenses:

Her golden hair that once had been so long had to be cut shoulder length because clumps of it has been ripped out when she was thrown from the car.


"had"...

~

Her side was bandaged so when she did wake up she could breath with out the agonizing pain of her ribs scraping together.


Without

~

This wasn’t happening he told himself over and over again, but he still couldn’t get this image of Isabella out of his mind.


This is just a suggestion:

This isn't happening, he told himself over and over again, but he still couldn’t get this image of Isabella out of his mind.


~

He had no idea that Isabella had heard every word he had said. She had woken up during the middle of it, and now she couldn’t stop the tears falling down her face like Niagara Falls. Even though she woke up confused and in pain, she kept her eyes shut to let whoever was talking finish. Once she was positive he was gone, she wiped at her eyes giving herself a headache.


I have a problem with that. As in she didn't show anything that she was awake? O_o Okay, disregarding that, "like Niagara Falls"? Seriously? You used that for your last line. O_O (yeah, I scanned the whole thing. =) couldn't resist)

And oh, "wiped at her eyes"? O_O I'm sorry, I couldn't understand that. Am I slow tonight?

~

“Yes, why?” Gary, inquired wondering what Jay had done.


Comma unnecessary. =))

~

Even though he knew he couldn’t make Jay stay with some one he didn’t love.


"someone"

~

Jay had probably told her what he was feeling, and now he was afraid Isabella heard him, he held Isabella’s hand.


A suggestion:

Jay had probably told her what he was feeling, and now he was afraid Isabella heard him, Gary thought ashe held Isabella’s hand.


Though I'd pretty much like it better if the thought was gone, and it was told in narrative form. =))

~

Their hug, to Isabella, lasted only a few seconds before the doctor came in to check up on her.


i honestly do not understand what the phrase was for. O_o Sorry

~

“Well, a drunk drive blind sided you, and you were knocked from the car. You


"drunk" is already a person who is someone who is intoxicated, right? I think "drive" should be deleted.

~

“Oh, yes,” Isabella said, as Gary dialed their number.


Pronouns! Be careful of pronouns!
Whose number? Common sense, Destiny and the others'. But always be clear with antecedents. Think as if the reader is dumb enough not to know. ;] heheheh...

~

He clenched his fist on the steering wheel and pounded on the gas petal.


I think you meant "pedal". =))

~

His mind was racing with angry thoughts and words, but he knew if he said what he was really feeling Isabella would know, and that would hurt her so much.


O_o I don't know how to comment on that one.

~

Hello, again Ras!

I wouldn’t promise anything, but I’m trying to insert your novel into my schedule since you really want it. Wait do you want it? LOL

As you can see, I’ve read the first two Chapters now… but don't worry, if you want (if you only want, as I said in my review, please don't waste my time, if you don't want it, please, please tell me ASAP) when I get done, Imma give you an interpretation, analysis and evaluation of the whole thing--a short critical essay for your novel. =)) Would you like that?

Anyway, so far, I am not interested in the story. It’s just, there were so many gaps that I find it boring. The characters aren't developing too well. Okay, so we know Jay is slipping off the edge of his character; he's mean, but not so--just confused. Gary is very nice as well as Destiny. And Belle, well, still don't know much about her. All I've picked up is that Destiny has country accent. I think you should have spiced up their characters. There should be a lot of info about Characters already in two chapters; just insert small things about them. I'm not telling to info dump, but please show us a bit more about them.

Oh, Rascale, please don’t feel bad about it. It’s just me. And maybe later on, I'll tell myself "ahhhh...oh my, no, no, no...did I say that? nooo. I love it!" Who knows? =))

Anyway, please do message me at once about this. =)) I really, really hope that I've helped. Shoot me a PM or post on my wall if you have need anything else, kay? =))


~ Jash ♥

P.S. Sorry if I was harsh about anything. O_o Long reviews make me kinda grumpy LOL
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


My SPOTIFY page
Facebook
Got a life?
  





User avatar
456 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 368
Reviews: 456
Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:15 am
Rascalover says...



Any more reviews on this would be so appreciated!
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html
  








“All stories are true," Skarpi said. "But this one really happened, if that's what you mean.”
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind