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In the Footsteps of a Champion



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Sun Oct 03, 2010 10:38 pm
brassnbridle says...



“Why would anyone want to kill me? I haven’t done anything to anyone, other than knock out a few drunks here and there."

Salven left the busy tavern he'd been raised in in search of answers- and ended up with an entire kingdom after him for reasons that seem determined to avoid him.
Shunned and alone, elvin Kithkanan lives for roaming the lands, shadowed by his past.
Though the odds are not in their favor, the strangest of people step forward to help- from an oddly-behaved set of former knights and a swordsmith, an abrupt herbalist with a feeling for the future, and a incisive girl with a most unusual companion.
Together in a kingdom murmuring with the unease of strange happenings, it seems that everyone has taken an interest in them, from mercenaries to mapmakers to the Regent himself- each with their own intentions. The two find themselves in a hectic run for survival- and perhaps more.

(Sorry if the synopsis sounds lame right now- I came up with it on the spot.) 75,862 words, 152 computer pages, as been heavily edited a few times now but still with a few (I feel) shaky areas. Grammar and technical structure i'm not overly worried about, as those are a pretty easy fix, mostly just overall opinions and opinions on the charactes, plot, etc. I'm working towards publishing this, so especially your first thoughts and opinions on the first three chapters is important.

If you would like to preview the project, the first three chapters are also attached, and if you decide after that that you don't want to read more, that's fine too. Feel free to pm me if you have any questions or comments!


EDIT: For parinoia reasons, I'm removing the full story- anybody still interested in critiquing it, feel free to pm me.
Attachments
In the Footsteps of a Champion- First three chapters.doc
My sample chapters
(99 KiB) Downloaded 140 times
Last edited by brassnbridle on Thu Sep 08, 2011 8:56 pm, edited 3 times in total.
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien
  





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Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:49 pm
carbonCore says...



I liked it. Overall, I liked it, and I will read the continuation of the story once you finish it.

Conceptual:
    Too many coincidences. Way too many. Some are believable, but a few are so egregious that they completely ruin immersion.
    It says that the story is almost finished, but at the place you left off, it feels like it's half-done. Really, not much has happened since the start of the story, and the strange event at the very end seemed like a mini-climax leading in to drastic changes in the second half of the novel.

Technical:
    Edit your dialogue and writing overall mercilessly. You have way too many sayings, expressions, and words that I would not expect to see in a world where wars are fought with swords.
    Everybody's favourite: Show, don't tell. Show, show, show. You will find detailed recommendations for this point at the end of Chapter 1.
    Avoid Said Bookism (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SaidBookism). Avoid it like the plague. You seem particularly fond of using exotic words instead of a simple "said", even though most of your dialogue doesn't need them, as it is already well enough written.
    Try not to start sentences with "I". There are more interesting ways to write the sentence, and reading "I" over and over again gets tiring.

What I liked:
    The vision of the world. You have a good idea of what the world looks like. This is always good in a fantasy novel - you just have to show it to us a little clearer.
    The character of Namina is very interesting, she seems almost like a wild-card. Very mysterious. I like this character a lot.
    The level of characterization that goes into even minor characters is refreshing. I can imagine and connect with almost every character in the story. Good work on that.

What I would like to see:
    More magic. In the entire novel so far, you've only got two instances of magic working, at the beginning and at the end. No court magicians, no witches or warlocks, no rogue elves with access to forgotten spells. Magic, I think, defines fantasy, and I would love to see some spell-slinging during a battle.
    A cleared-up plot. I found out next to nothing about the MC's father and what the big deal is with everybody recognizing him. It feels like you're building up to revealing this at the very end - not good. The plot should not be concentrated at the very end of a novel. Spread breadcrumbs of information along the text to give us something to piece together, because I'm still as oblivious to the plot as I was at the start of the story.
    More believable characters. I mentioned before that your characters were well characterized and I could connect with them - unfortunately, along the other impressions I got, a lot of the time the word "idiot" came to mind. Why would Sarah give away her heirloom sword to someone who she met literally minutes ago? Even if the Pope himself came knocking at my door to take my plush Garfield away, I'd tell him to shove it. And that's just something I have a connection with - not a family heirloom from my grandfather. There are many examples of this, and you will see me comment on the individual occurrences throughout the story.
    Characters' backgrounds explored. Specifically, I want to know more about Namina. Very intriguing character.
    More characters re-used. Kith's brother, for instance, seemed like he'd show up sometime later in the plot. I guess this ties in to me thinking that this isn't an almost-done novel, but rather half-done.

Other:
I may seem cross in my comments, but I honestly did enjoy the story, and the level of consistency it shows (it's just how I review). Rare thing to see nowadays. Best of luck, and I anxiously await the ending!
Attachments
In The Footsteps of a Champion (brassnbridle YWS).rtf
Preferably use MSWord to open this file. WordPad doesn't seem to catch all of my edits.
(432.99 KiB) Downloaded 142 times
_
  





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Sat Apr 30, 2011 3:32 pm
brassnbridle says...



This has been finished, edited, had a few parts rewritten, and edited again, if anyone's interested.
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien
  





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Sun May 01, 2011 12:24 am
eldEr says...



Spoiler! :
Okay, so I'm sorry to say this - but attachments don't really work that well on my computer - they disagree with its stomach or something like that. I'm really sorry that I can't review the entire novel here - and this will probably be extremely useless. My apologies.


Hey! Here to review as requested!

Fist of all, when I first started reading this, I was a little confused. xD I thought that it was a chapter or a prologue, and it was... well I had no idea what you were trying to get at here. Then I learned that it was a synopsis, and I was like, "Oh."

Which was good - if this was a first chapter, this review would be... not all that pleasant.

Unfortunately, I'm not quite sure how to review a synopsis... I'm more for the chapters. xD So, this will probably be extremely short and... somewhat pointless. Sorry for that in advance.

Overall, though, this seems like a decent plot line, if not a bit overused. It sounds pretty much the same as most other fantasy stories that I've read, but I can't say that by just reading the synopsis. Your characters or any plot twists that you have could completely change my mind about that. But, if I had picked this up off the shelf at a book-store and read the back of the book (assuming that's where you plan on putting this) it would only half grab my interest - half grab because I like most things fantasy.

I'm not quite sure what else to say here... sorry for being so useless, but I'm really not used to reviewing synopsis... Yeah. Anyways.

Keep writing,
~~Ish.
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?
  





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Sun May 01, 2011 2:10 am
Spitfire says...



Hey brassnbriddle! :)

Just here to tell you that I am going to read your first three chapters, just not right now. I was going to do it today as it's review day, but as there are 27 pages to do, I think I'd rather keep it for another time XD

I'll most likely do it sometime this week, a day where I have loads of time to concentrate on this. And you're right; the first three chapters are the critical ones, but not just for publishers, but for readers as well!

So I shall return and review soon, my friend ;)
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Thu May 12, 2011 8:48 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Hey! I'm finally done! I really hope my comments were helpful to you x)

I'll give some of my main points.

What was good:
- By the end of the story, I was really rooting for your main characters. The entire buildup to the climax was well planned and thoroughly exciting.
- The amount of characters you had was challenging, being a rather large lot. But I think you did a great job at making each one easily distinguishable (sp?) and unique. By the end of the novel, I have a good impression of them in my mind.
- Your plays at humor were fun to read. I like how there were portions in the story where you just had fun; I bet they felt good to write, too :)

What could be improved:
- I felt a lack of description. If I was to describe your world to someone else, I would end up saying something like 'just your typical medival/fantasy setting'. There's nothing really unique to it. Basically, the descriptions were bland and didn't stand out.
- The beginning was rushed. I had a hard time getting into the story at first because it was off to a really rocky start. If this was a published book, I probably would've lost interest.
- I felt like there are still some holes in this story; things that don't quite add up or make sense to me. It's hard to explain in detail, but in my comments you'll see what I'm talking about.


Since fantasy is such a broad area, you'll get a lot of people that will either like this or not like this. Personally, I enjoyed it. I would recommend it to fans of the Ranger's Apprentice series. I feel like this would fit into more of a young adult/tween audience.

Well, that's all I'll say! Go onto the attachment for my REAL review :D
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  





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Fri May 13, 2011 2:02 am
brassnbridle says...



Thank you, insight is always useful and you've given me a lot to think about and work on! :)
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien
  





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Thu May 19, 2011 3:27 pm
Spitfire says...



Hey there Brass! Sorry it took me soooooo long to do, but I finally finished reviewing :)
Instead of reviewing here, though, I did it directly on the document so it was fresh in my mind. Most comments are on the side, a few things corrected in the sentences itself, and I left my global review at the end..

Footsteps of a Champion_chapters reviewed.doc
(101 KiB) Downloaded 128 times


Hope I helped :D
Spitfire
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