Young Writers Society

This novel is the first in a series of four that I've planned, and also it's the first novel I've ever completed. This is the third draft, and it still likely is full of errors to fix. Anyone who provides a helpful, detailed review will, of course, receive the same from me.

The Blood is a thriller/urban (suburban really) fantasy about a young man with a superior intellect and a mysterious ability that he is not fully aware of. This power allows him to possess and manipulate people by having them ingest his blood. This first book, Rubedo, is about the boy's battle of wits with an assassin and a murderous young woman, who he takes on with the aid of a strange girl who seems to know more about the secrets of his blood.

Word Count: 88,800 approximately

Yo,
I don't do grammar and punctuation, because I myself seem stuck on the level of a ten year old, and I don't discuss plots as a matter of principle.
I do discuss things like internal consistency of the plot, character presentation and basic sentence structure. This review is about basic sentence structure. I read the very beginning only. In a few hours I'm leaving town, and will be back online in ten days. Maybe I'll continue with your book then.

You need to be in better control of your language. If you're trying for a novel, you must be a 100% serious about it, and if you are a 100% serious about it, you will try to exercise total control over your language. It's only natural that some moments of every chapter will have your full attention, and others will be just peripheral mist from your point of view, but in every part of every chapter every sentence must be if not brilliant, then at least not faulty.

One tendency I noticed is for the sentences to be bland.
Example: "The dog sniffed its food for a second, but then began to eat as it normally would. The added ingredient didn’t matter." - this is not a faulty description, but its utterly devoid of style. Which in itself is not fatal, but if on every 2 - 3 three pages there is a burst of great style, which compensates the bland sentences. Either that, or work on making the descriptions less bland. Like in this case this would be describing the act of sniffing, or of eating, or that the added ingredients didn't make the dog falter, any of these three in just a slightly more stylish way.

Awkward sentences
"Nicholas grabbed the handle on the back door and begged, turning it"; - 'and begged'? haha. This needs either substitution or elaboration.

"Two large bowls sat on the porch, one filled with water, the other with untouched food. Falling to his knees beside them, Nicholas opened the suitcase"; - perhaps he rather got down to his knees and did not actually fall on them? Also a good chance to describe either the porch or the bowls.

"The gasp of air escaped him, and he collapsed to the ground, taking a moment to get his bearings"; - this sentence does not work at all. The second part must be totally changed.

"Breathing deep, and giving a last look around to make sure no one was around to see him, Nicholas burst from the bushes and jumped at the fence, throwing one leg over with his momentum, the suitcase in his right hand following"; after he jumped the fence, the texts seems to fall apart. Needs some rewriting to make it watertight, because if it's not watertight, it sounds like various limbs are doing uncoordinated things for obscure reasons.

"The rest of his body followed him over the top and, careful to avoid dropping the suitcase, he landed in the yard." - here, we see that the personality of the character resides in his leg and right arm. Either that, or we get rid of the 'him' in 'followed him', and put something else there. Also, about the suitcase. I think a good treatment for some of the bland sentences would be to not describe for what purpose someone is doing something (to avoid dropping), but rather how he is achieving it (clutching the suitcase with a manic grip).


Watch out for repetitive ending of sentences - they disrupt the rhythm. Example:
"One defended itself, the other had no choice.
Nicholas bolted for the fence. He didn’t want to be seen going out the front door, so he had no choice" /I tend to do that as well haha, that's why re-reading is a must/

Tenses: "It had been kind of risky leaving them unlocked, but traveling behind all the houses through the woods had been his safest bet, so he took the chance." - if you say twice 'had been', then you smash the rhythm when you say 'he took the chance'. He had taken the chance.

I don't know when you've finished this, but let it lie like for a week or two so that you can see it with a fresh eye, and then go over it for a number of days, chapter by chapter, sentence by sentence, to sort out all the little crooked moments which sabotage the flow of the narrative.

Anyway, that's the trouble areas as I see them mapped out, good luck with upgrading the novel

Placeholder. I will have a full review by next Tuesday if no unexpected events disrupt me. Sorry there will be a slight delay.

Hey I'd like to review this story If you still want them?

Hey! I want to review this, but is there any way you could attach this in a different format? I don't have Microsoft Word (I use Works) so the most I can do is view it. I can't even copy it. But I've read the first chapter and really want to review it. If you could, that would be great.

ultraviolet wrote:Hey! I want to review this, but is there any way you could attach this in a different format? I don't have Microsoft Word (I use Works) so the most I can do is view it. I can't even copy it. But I've read the first chapter and really want to review it. If you could, that would be great.

I use works too glad I'm not the only one. All you have to do is save the file then right click on it and look for open with option put your mouse over that option and then works should come up. Click on it and the document will open in works. If this is confusing PM me and I'll try to make it clearer.

Thanks for the advice. But apparently the author hasn't been on in like forever, so I'm not really sure the point in reviewing it... :/