Young Writers Society

I have it broken into more chapters now so not so labour-intensive.

BRITISH Spelling:
Color = colour
realize = realise
meter = metre
center = centre
ETCETERA. Please do not change it because it is terribly annoying when i'm trying to fix it up and there's millions of them everywhere.

This installment is mainly just an introducing of characters/etc. THERE IS A PLOT! It's going to come out in the next chapter... i know this is weird but i could not really incorporate it in without destroying what i had written in here.

*Ignore spelling completely it is completely pointless!!*

Wow, I can definitely tell that you have been working on this, because from the last time I read it, this is much improved. Everything flowed so nicely and I loved the more description you have in there.

The only real concern I have is your MC, Jess's emotions sometimes. Most of the time, they're right, but other times, like the conversation with Drew about her sister, or with Bryn at the party when they first arrived, are all over the place. You really have to think about it as if the MC was a real person. Would people actually do that? Would they actually act like that? These are the things you have to ask yourself.

Other than that, it was a wonderful read!

Good job, Niccy!

...This seems much improved. Yet it still retains the great emotion it had before...excellently done, and my bad for not commenting on this earlier.

And Now, for the benefit of the upcoming review from Lost In Dreamland, here's the second half.

[by the way Nate this is halves because it's 2 halves of the same novel. Just to stop confusion, it's in 2 parts, and to make it easier on people to read]

just pm me then when you're ready to do so.

Interesting start to the story. Your use of scene and detail to establish the characters attitudes and personalites was well done. A lot of people do too much summarizing when they are first setting up a stroy but you were able to show the same things through scene and dialogue.
Some of your dialogue sounds a little odd to me but since you're not from the U.S. it may just not be what I'm used to. There are also a few grammar details that I noted in the file but not many. The thing that bothered me the most was the several paragraphs that are extremely long. If you clean those few things up, things will be even nicer.
I really like the description of the old books in the first paragraph. Great detail, although it led me to assume that the story would go in a much different direction than it actually did. The conflict between Bryn and Drew adds an interesting dynamic to the story, both between the two of them and in terms of their relationships with Jess.
The scene at Jess' house and the amount of detail about Bronte doesn't seem to quite fit with the rest of the story. I'm guessing that Bronte, either as a character or by her death, will end up having an important part of the story as it goes along. If that is the case then having this part in the introduction makes sense. If it's just there to flesh out Jess' background then maybe you could streamline the details a little.
In general, this was an interesting read. I'll be looking over section two in the next day or so. I'll comment on that as soon as I'm finished with it.

...Or maybe sooner. I guess the fact that I gave in and read the second part so quickly is a pretty valid sign that this must be a good story. I really like the way that the characters and their relationships with each other changed over the course of the story. I'm glad that Bronte turned out to be a much larger part of the story than the first half hinted at. That was quite the party that her friends put together for her. Horse drawn carriage, famous football players...I'm amazed at how fast they were able to pull it all together (but your reasoning for the timeline made perfect sense). I wish that kind of thing happened more often in the real world.
Is this based on a real story or did you make it up? Either way, I'm glad that Jess got away from Bryn. He didn't deserve her.
Again, there were a few minor grammar things that could be fixed up, particularly the longish paragraphs. The thing that confused me here was that there were several phrases or words that I'd never heard before or had never seen in this context. I'm guessing these terms are British slang (or wherever you're from) but it made the story feel kind of choppy to me since there were sentences that I could follow or that at least disrupted the flow of the story since I had to really focus on figuring out what you were trying to say.

Hi Emmily,
I see you've pulled from oblivion an ancient thread!
The story seems to have been was posted in 2008, and by checking the 'comments' and 'wall' in the author's profile, I see that the last glimmer of activity by the author was in July 2009. I think chances are slim that there will be a reply to your efforts as a reviewer.
I suggest that in the future it would be prudent for you to check, if a thread is not obviously active that is, whether it's not very old and whether the author is still around. Even if the author is still around, I'd say a year is the maximum beyond which reviews begin loosing relevance, since everyone here is of a general age group in which people keep changing not only as writers but as personalities, from one month to the next.
So, I wouldn't count on feedback on your reviews from the authoress, unless she still receives info on her email about activity here, and your efforts in this case I guess are mainly fruitfull for you as a reviewer, as another practice at helping a text become better.
I noticed that you in your reviews here you have issues with too many 'ands' in a sentence and too long sentences. But would you dare say that in Tolstoy's or Thomas Mann's face? Hahaha, anyway,