My school is having a poetry contest. It's very general; we can submit anything, any length, as long as the content is appropriate. They'll be judged on "originality, creativity, and artistic ability." Yeah, pretty basic, general stuff. I'm having an impossible time deciding which poems to submit, because I written a few new ones recently for a creative writing class I'm taking. So I would love all of your feedback! You don't have to read them all if you don't want to, but all I'm really asking for is first impressions. If you want to go above and beyond and read them more thoroughly, it's completely up to you. The poll let's you pick two choices, since we can submit two. Thank you so so so much! Oh, and I have to submit them by noon on Friday, so tell you friends, get your votes in, and again, THANK YOU!
p.s. Alternate title suggestions and any other advice is very welcome (Keep in mind, I won't be making any huge changes.
Spoiler! :
Neglected Scarecrow
There is a lingering smell of cigarette smoke in the air, in the air that is cold and clear, here. Mist and midnight, black and thick, surrounding the park--empty park-- Time has stopped here. Hanging from slightly red-rusted chain, four swings dangle limply like neglected scarecrows. Dangling limply with her arms wrapped around the chain, her face is hidden by ginger curls. It peeks out from under her blue-checkered dress: one bright red shoe, bright in that dim, washed-out space. A wind gusts up from nowhere, the chains whine. A clock makes its muffled chime from far away and the little doll drops to the dirty pebbled floor.
Neon-pink Umbrella
She always asked me to peel her oranges-- soft, filled-out flesh and smooth skin sweet and cool inside I would claim a section as my payment and let the juice dribble down my chin
***
Come play in the rain! Why do the puddles have colours? A rainbow drowned in them. But when the sun comes back, he'll fish it out. We'll reach up with your neon-pink umbrella, and steal it back. We can keep it on the driveway. All we need is chalk.
I made a strawberry pie for you, but Daddy wanted some and I gave him half. Half is fair. Half is generous. Don't forget to leave some for the pixies in our cupboard. They might get jealous. But you're a little half pixie yourself. If you eat it, they won't mind.
Don't turn out the light. Wait 'til I'm asleep, please. The dark is just one big shadow like a big black blanket, keeping you safe out of sight. It's your shadow. The circus clown--he jumped at his own shadow. But you, you know better than a clown.
Entschuldigung
Ireland, Greece, no big deal. My sister: world traveler. What do you do when you are In Europe, with a passport, A four-day weekend and a Few euros in your pocket?
Pack in a purse and go to Germany, home of Luther- Land, afternoon coffee and Castles. It was November, The beginning so it was Cold and Potsdamer Platz was Bedecked in white… fuzz and fluff. In the middle of the square Was constructed a huge hill, Ladder on the back to climb It and all. Throngs of people, Fake snow, street vendors; and she Walked towards the middle of Everything, knocking in To someone and muttering Entschuldigung… She looked up and it’s GERARD. Gerard Butler. Still walking Away my sister looked back… And back… and back… and people Milled around her, avoiding The American walking Backwards. She never got a Picture. Tall and broad and gruff Loomed over her. “No photos.”
Instead my sister watched him Buy a ridiculous large Fur hat and sled a fake hill In the fake snow, in Berlin, Germany, Europe, home of Albrecht Dürer, good beer, and Nietzsche. He went sledding and The rest of the night was pure Gold, alone because of that.
She wrote about packing for Germany in an over- Sized purse and the Luther stuff. She didn’t write about Gerard.
Loneliness is just a cliché until you realize it’s your only company. --1st version
In that empty field she Pulls on all the heavy armor that Sat beneath the only tree; Stares blankly through her telescope at The crowded shores far from her island Trap where it’s always biting, bitter winter Except across that line where grass becomes sand, The line she tries to break of breach or splinter And doing so she turns her back to The pale, glaring sun. There, bulky and squirming on The ground like a shackled giant, lies a shadow. Gloomy and silent, he moves his brawn in time with her, kicking at the clock face that is her island trap, her prison of glass.
Loneliness is just a cliché until you realize it’s your only company. --2nd version Set in that empty frozen field she pulls On all the heavy silver armor that Lay piled beneath an oak, the only tree; Stares blankly through her telescope there at the crowded shores far from her island trap where always it’s bitter wintertime except where grass turns into sand and scrap— the line she tries to break or breach or climb and doing so she turns her back towards the pale and glaring sun. There on the ground a bulky, squirming, shackled shadow lies. His gloomy silent outline moves, is bound, In time with her. She’s kicking at the clock Face that is her island trap, her frail glass dock.
Chocolate-covered sky
the past projects stories through colours green bottle-glass ground to chalky grey dust under a scarlet heel, into the dandelion yellow pavement the same colour as her dress. green like his eyes, grey like his skin, scarlet like... it was supposed to be blue.
there was a chocolate-coloured sky only twice in his life, when he let out his first infant squawk-- baby think of the colours. tell me about the colours. the sounds will worry about themselves.
it clashed terribly with the orange flames, her pink skirt and ashen hair. their promises were silver and daisy white, clasping hands with petal-soft skin.--baby look at the colours here a patchwork quilt, a stained glass a rainbow with the paint running and blending and fusing like oil slick.
his favourite shirt looked like wallpaper
she dressed the colour of music the third time the sky melted into a chocolate colour and her lips tasted like sand.
--baby
pale purple flowers. she only saw the flowers that smelled like lilacs. they didn’t mask the other scents. they tasted like ash felt like wax--please baby--and
Entschuldigung is your best, out of these. The next best I think is the last. They're good poems, basically. Probably a little self-conscious, but they work well.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.
I agree with Pengi completely except that I'd perhaps put them the other way around. There's something very raw and beautiful about chocolate covered sky. Both great poems though!
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