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Fri Apr 13, 2012 2:27 am
MorningStar says...



I'm writing my first fiction/fantasy story, and I'm wondering if you'd read the plot, and tell me if I'm too scattered or if it makes sense?

Fifteen years ago, the world's only superpower, Condrasia (Con-drah-zhee-ah), was a huge continent which lived at peace. It was ruled by a monarchy, and king and queen which were the only sorcerers in the world. The rest of Condrasia was inhabited by normal, albeit naive, citizens who went about their daily lives free of oppression.

When Condrasia believed that it had rights to three tiny islands off the coast of its territory, it was taken down by its jealous neighbor, Pframtore (Fram-tora), which believed those tiny islands to be apart of the Isles, holy islands that dot the northern parts of the ocean. Pframtore was a much smaller continent made up of physically strong citizens, who specialize in the creation of firearms. Like the Spartans who attacked Athens after the rise of the the sophists, Condrasia was all but demolished, the royal family killed, and a new government instated.

The prince, born moments before Pframtore soldiers infiltrated the birthing room, brutally murdering his mother, was named Landon and blessed by the fatally wounded priest with liquid philosopher's stone, granting him the power of sorcery. A young priestess girl, who had gone unseen by the soldiers, ran with the baby to the docks, where they boarded a ship and were brought to the Territory.

Landon grew up among the orphans of slain Condrasian parents. Present day, the priestess finds him again after living on her own surrounded by nature. She tells him of his past, and that there are Pframtore spies looking for him after a dying soldier confessed to his government that he had allowed the baby to escape. She explains to him of his powers, and he escapes, the spies hot on his tracks, to Chochor (Core-chore), a small continent split into five states: fire-manipulators, earth-manipulators, light and dark-manipulators, air-manipulators, and water-manipulators.

The world hates Chorchor. The people, being products of failed Alchemical experiments, are feared and despised for their intense, genetic powers of elemental manipulation. There, he finds many people willing to help him regain his throne. They all themselves were outcasted from Roision (Roy-shun), the last continent in the world, filled with Alchemists.

Landon must gather together a band of angered and oppressed people who are willing to help him change the world back to the way it used to be.

Landon is a quiet, calculating young boy. He's harsh towards others, except for Drew, the first friend he made when he was twelve. Landon likes to read, and is well-informed on current events. He's not a people's-person, but as the story goes on he will open up a little more. He has one friend, Drew, an outgoing skirt-chaser who wants nothing more than to get off the Territory and see the world. He's street-smart, regardless of living in the same environment as Landon- a tiny seaside town forgotten by the rest of the world.

Along the way, the two boys meet mystics in the Water state, which explain their destinies. They meet the Torches, the young gang members in the Fire state which are already fighting for political change. He makes friends with the Day Keepers in the Light-Dark state, which grow to love him and become powerful allies. He meets the political powers in the Earth state, and then he meets the hippies in the Air state which don't agree with his aspirations.

Landon and his allies must go up against the political powers of Pframtore, along with its strong military.
Mad, bad, and dangerous to know
  





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Mon Apr 16, 2012 5:25 pm
EmmVeePi says...



The concept sounds rather unique and can definitely be worked with. Some of the places/character types etc sound a bit cliched. I wouldnt worry about overhauling anything, just try to be as detailed and unique as you can be.
  





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Mon Apr 16, 2012 6:07 pm
MorningStar says...



Thanks! I'll work on the details, but I'm glad you can follow it at least.
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Tue Apr 17, 2012 1:06 am
Rosendorn says...



My biggest concern would be making sure the motives are valid. Your story has a big possibility of characters acting simply Because Destiny Says So. Make sure they have their own reasons to move forward and don't simply jump in because they Have To.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Tue Apr 17, 2012 4:49 pm
MorningStar says...



I see. That makes a lot of sense. I'll work on that.
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Tue Apr 17, 2012 8:28 pm
Rosendorn says...



It can actually make a very fascinating story, when you have a focus on what the MC is being told to do and what they want to do. What is the logic to get them to do what the others want? How will the plot go off course if he decides not to do something?

I'd still use your current plot, as it is the ideal— probably what the people telling him his destiny want him to do. They have a checklist of things he needs to get done in order to reclaim is rightful place.

Now figure out what his ideas are (his goals in life that probably never involved kingship), and write somewhere between the two. I say between the two because those who want him to take the throne, or want him dead, probably will force him to go a certain way. But how he reacts to those paths is up to him.

A few more things...

"Born moments before" seems a bit too last minute for me. He would need to be kept hidden for that to work, but it seems like an hour or so would seem more likely.

I'm also wondering why nobody else has used this liquid philosopher's stone to gain powers? Is there some genetic matching for that?
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Thu Apr 19, 2012 6:52 pm
MorningStar says...



Rosey Unicorn wrote:It can actually make a very fascinating story, when you have a focus on what the MC is being told to do and what they want to do. What is the logic to get them to do what the others want? How will the plot go off course if he decides not to do something?

I'd still use your current plot, as it is the ideal— probably what the people telling him his destiny want him to do. They have a checklist of things he needs to get done in order to reclaim is rightful place.

Now figure out what his ideas are (his goals in life that probably never involved kingship), and write somewhere between the two. I say between the two because those who want him to take the throne, or want him dead, probably will force him to go a certain way. But how he reacts to those paths is up to him.


Ok, I see. I'll have to work on his character a little more to add in a little resistance. As of right now, I picture him wanting to fight them in order to change the world back, but maybe I can change his character completely so that he's totally against fighting a war. Make him a pacifist, or give him some major fears surrounding violence.



"Born moments before" seems a bit too last minute for me. He would need to be kept hidden for that to work, but it seems like an hour or so would seem more likely.

In my mind, they had barely cleaned up the birthing room where he was born and the Pframtore soldiers burst in.

I'm also wondering why nobody else has used this liquid philosopher's stone to gain powers? Is there some genetic matching for that?


His country is supposed to be very religious. The priests keep this stone and use it to anoint the royal family members at birth. No one else uses it because Condrasia is a huge continent, and they did not expect to ever need to raise an army. To keep the royal bloodline in charge, they themselves had the power so as to not be overthrown, which was never an issue, anyway.
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Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:57 pm
Rosendorn says...



As of right now, I picture him wanting to fight them in order to change the world back, but maybe I can change his character completely so that he's totally against fighting a war.


This can work as a good character motivation! If this is who he is, keep him that way. My options are more food for thought, a caution not to make him follow along exactly because you want him to.

Make him want to, if that's his character.

Bad experience with the ruling nation? Hearing tales of what it used to be like and wishing he could change it? You have his motive working for going along with them.

But you also have a guy who's supposed to rule with no training what so ever in ruling. Most rulers were groomed from birth to be good rulers, and he hasn't had that. So he's going to be far from perfect at it, because he simply doesn't know any better.

The rest of that makes a good amount of sense.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Fri Apr 20, 2012 5:24 pm
MorningStar says...



But you also have a guy who's supposed to rule with no training what so ever in ruling. Most rulers were groomed from birth to be good rulers, and he hasn't had that. So he's going to be far from perfect at it, because he simply doesn't know any better.


I had never even thought of that! That's a really great reminder. I'll have to keep that in mind.
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Sun May 20, 2012 9:53 pm
Jeraphiel says...



How about he learns how to be a good ruler through his experiences in amassing his allies and retaking the throne? That way he won't be the world's greatest ruler but he's not going to be a terrible one either :)
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Mon May 28, 2012 4:58 pm
Rubric says...



I think shifting his overarching goal during the story is a good way to chart his character growth. In the beginning he's probably just fleeing because the BAD guys are after him. He might be educated about his parents and have some vague sense of entitlement aswell.

I'm a little hesitant about the rosy pre-war Condrasia, it seems a little too good to be true. It sounds like the sanitised version he might be told by the other exiles, and which might be his initial motivation behind fighting the warriors of Pframtore.

If you want to make it a bit darker (and dare I say realistic), his time in Chorchor is a great opportunity to not only, as others have wisely suggested, learn the arts of statesmanship and diplomacy, but also learn the unsanitised history of his people. I'm not saying the sorceror-royals have to be mean despots, I'm just warning against the utopia-that-could-only-exist-in-an-unrealised-past. Coming to grips with the moral ambiguity of his parents rule forces the prince to really confront his motivations.

The great thing is: you already have the seeds of this. He realises he wants to lead his people to a brighter future: whatever he envisages that to be, and that brighter future is the justification for the war he wages, not a lost past.

Just my thoughts, it sounds worth a read either way.

Maybe he's your world's first democrat. Go nuts.
So you're going to kill a god. Sure. But what happens next?

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