Young Writers Society

Hi! This is a small section from a short story i am writing called Twisted Future. I have more, I just wanted to get some ideas off of this, thank you. Reviews are very much appreciated.

Dreaming. That's my hobby. Dreaming is what keeps me sane, if that's what you would call it. I live in my own little world inside my mind, nothing else truly matters. My mum never pays any attention to me and I really don't have any friends to keep me company. I live in my dreams. I created a whole other way of dreaming, because a lot of my dreams weren't really from the depths of my imagination. They were part of reality. Not dreams, but visions. Visions of the future.

Hope you enjoyed that. Advice is appreciated!
Thanks,
Jessica

I find you take just a bit too long to get to the point here. These lines:

I live in my own little world inside my mind, nothing else truly matters. My mum never pays any attention to me and I really don't have any friends to keep me company. I live in my dreams.

The first and last lines quoted are repetitive, and the middle two lines make the character sound angsty because she's complaining about her life and we don't seem to have much reason for it. They also seem a fair bit self-centered. Self-centered beginnings can work, but they need to have a real element of curiosity in them in order to work. Because the language here doesn't really draw us in, the self-centeredness doesn't work for me.

If you cut out those lines, though, then this was a rather interesting beginning. If you want a few more tips on them, click here. (Check the paragraph-long beginning example for self-centeredness that I find was done well)

Hope this helped! ^^

~Rosey

Thanks Rose! Appreciate it much!