Young Writers Society

Hey everyone! Just starting a new novel. It's a twist on the story of Beauty and the Beast. I really like to be descriptive. I mean, when J.R.R. Tolkien is your role model, it's hard not to be. I need advice, though. I'm including a section of my progress below, and I really want people's advice on it. Mainly, is it too descriptive? My intentions are not to drag the story on for hundreds of pages, but I really want to get all the details down. Just let me know what you think, and if I need to fix anything. Any other comments would be great. Just no rude ones. This is my life.

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Yes, it had been a good plan. By mid-morning, they’d nearly reached their campsite. It was then that one of the boys had yelled out and they turned to see a plume of dust coming up from the city. Their pursuers were trained warriors on good horses, and although they tried to flee them, they were soon outdistanced. They raced up a hill, and although the two other boys managed to get down without a problem, a squirrel leapt into the path of the Princess’ son and his horse reared. The boy was thrown backwards over the horse and rolled to the bottom of the hill as the horse tore off into the undergrowth. Moments later, the boy was surrounded by men on horseback and their captain, a gruff old man who was like an executioner to the young boy, had dismounted, grumbling about being in major trouble this time, before gently but unyieldingly grabbing the boy’s arm and pulling him up into the saddle with him.

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Here's another section of the same story:

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It wasn’t enough. With four horses to handle, it took longer for the signal to get through. They turned faster and tighter than they might have, but it still wasn’t enough. The other driving, his own reflexes slow from his intoxication, pulling his horses hard, away from the carriage. His cart wheels slid on the wet ground, and the force of the horses pulling sent the cart airborne. The driver lost his seating and was thrown to the ground as the cart slammed into the carriage. When it lost it’s forward momentum, the cart crashed to the ground, pinning the driver underneath.

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Thank you guys so much!

Well, with the first segment, I have no concept of how long a time is passing. The introduction to the paragraph indicates that there's going to be a span of time, but between these two lines:

It was then that one of the boys had yelled out and they turned to see a plume of dust coming up from the city. Their pursuers were trained warriors on good horses, and although they tried to flee them, they were soon outdistanced.

I was expecting a chase. I was expecting some sort of indication as to what happened when they tried to flee, they gained only half the amount of ground their pursuers did, some sort of tension that they're outclassed. But I didn't get any of that tension or any indication of the passage of time, so I got very lost. For all the description you put in, you didn't have enough in this key area.

The rest of your paragraph followed suite, with no indication of when this is happening and what the order of events is. Also, which side is being described? This scene after the above lines could be applied to those being chased or those doing the chasing. Sure, the details are pretty rich but you can't sacrifice clarity for details.

The second paragraph... more of the same, really. There's no sense of time or order of events. This one's better, but I'd still work on not having language so flowing that there's no sense of urgency, tension, or time in the prose.

I think the biggest thing here is the sentences are too long. If sentences are too long during action, the action looses all of its punch. My rule of thumb is: shorter sentences= more tension, action going on; long, flowing sentences= less tension, time to give the information. Your sentences are currently long and rambly, which makes it hard to really stay interested. It's perfectly possible to have short sentences and still be descriptive. I'd suggest looking at a novel titled I am Apache by Tanya Landman to see more descriptive writing, but still keeping fights interesting.

I agree with Rosey.

Long sentences give your writing a somewhat formal tone, which is in complete contrast to the contractions you've got going on - "they'd"; "wasn't". The problem is, long sentences do not equal description. Have a read of Tolkien's work. I'm not suggesting you mimic him, but if you read it you'll see that in his action scenes, the prose turns much blunter and there's a real tense build-up. Have a read of the Battle of Helm's Deep in The Two Towers. Even in the wild descriptions which rely heavily on imagery and vibrant world-building, each line contributes to the story in some way or another.

To summarise:

- blunt prose = quick pacing = action/chase scenes.
- long-winded prose = slow pacing = descriptions.

Really do practice on what you're describing; are you describing this scene it in the best way? Does it contribute to the story? Focus on imagery. Look very closely at how Tolkien pulls it off, but then there are other writers I'd suggest such as Cormac McCarthy who writes brilliant, crisp dialogue along with wonderfully descriptive narrative in parts.

I hope that was some help? Good luck!

Rosey and Blink:

Thank you so very much for answering my question. I had determined my initial error already, I just wasn't sure what was making it sound so terrible. I am much too descriptive. Thank you for pointing out that, during action, I should use shorter sentences. I am a fan of J.R.R. Tolkien, but I completely missed that detail in his writings. As I proceed, I'll definitely keep what you both said in mind.

However, for the editing process later on, I will need to fix these paragraphs, and probably the entire sections these two were in. Could either of you take one of the paragraphs and give me an example of what it should look like, following your suggested techniques? I understand what you're saying, I'm just a tad fuzzy as to what it would look like. I've read J.R.R. Tolkien, but I don't write like him and I'm afraid I can't change these two paragraphs around just like that. I just need a basic outline, or maybe just a slapdash paragraph giving a rough idea. Paragraph one probably spans about half an hour to an hour. Paragraph two spans, literally, seconds.

Thank you so much! You've been such a great help!

I could reformat the paragraphs, but because of different styles of writing (I'm a self-proclaimed minimalist when it comes to description. I don't exclude it completely, but I do cut down on any I have to use) it's probably not a good idea for me to do that. Instead, look at fight scenes in stories you read and pick up on how they use language.

Here's an example from a couple novels, both of which have fight scenes I enjoy:

Lady Knight by Tamora Pierce wrote:Kel lunged, bracing her glaive with her right wrist and elbow so she could weild it one-handed. She thrust at Stenmun's belly. He kicked her weapon aside and struck Jump with the butt of his axe. The dog let go. Stenmun hit the cat against a stone arch. She tumbled from his head, leaving ribbons of blood to flow from the wounds she'd inflicted.

Now Stenmun charged Kel, bringing his weapon up in a two-handed chop. She swung her glaive up to block the axe and twisted the teak staff, locking it and the axe half together. Stenmum lean into the jammed weapons, forcing them back on Kel. They strained. Kel's arm trembled with the force he put on it.

Stenmun smiled. "Too bad for you, little girl," he said, his voice tight with triumph.

Kel gave him her politest Yamani smile, hooked her leg around one of his, and jerked, a leg sweep from her studies in hand-to-hand combat. Her legs were powerful and he wasn't braced. He went down on his back, hitting so hard the breath was knocked from his lungs. His fall jerked his axe clear of her glaive. Kel didn't wait for an invitation. She brought the iron-shod butt of her glaive down with all her strength, striking him right between the eyes, breaking through his skull. That probably finished him, but to be sure, she cut his throat.

Notice how sentences are maybe a line and a half at most. They look a lot longer in a trade paperback, but that's simply because the paper size isn't that wide. If you put these into a word processing software, they're really short sentences.

Also notice the short paragraphs. The longest is the end of the fight, which builds a mounting tension towards the finish. Most of these paragraphs are about three lines or less.

Here's another example:

In the Hand of the Goddess by Tamora Pierce wrote:Faithful [a cat] yowled encouragement as Alanna lunged forward viciously. Lightning met Dain's sword with a crash. Insteantly she pulled away, then thrust in again. The knight blocked clumsily, falling back as she bore in on him. Her sword never stopped moving; she never stopped looking for an opening. There it was!

She brought Lightning [her sword] down, under and up, catching Dain's hilt and yaking the sowrd from his hand. It went flying. In his haste to escape, the man stumbled, falling flat. Alanna darted forward to press Lightning's brightly gleaming point into Dain's throat. The Tusaine knight looked up into the coldest eyes he ever hoped to see.

Again, short sentences and short paragraphs. This example has some added details, but they're really to just emphasize the end of the fight.

Basically, the way to get good at writing action scenes is to read action scenes. And don't just passively read them for entertainment; notice how the pace, sentence structure, and characters change as a fight gets closer. I toss characters in there because fighting is one of the places characters show a lot of their deeper personalities. To pull from my own writing, my MC thinks a lot before the actual blades start moving (how her opponent is going to attack, sizing him up, ect), but once the fight begins she goes in and just does the kill. She also can pass judgements on people if it's a longer fight, during a pause, which causes her to do an aside comment about the fight. (A personal favourite of mine being "idiot" when a guy kicked in such a way she had easy access to his hamstrings) This shows she's very experienced in fighting, therefor able to react as calmly as she does.

Basically, read a lot of action. I recommend Tamora Pierce's Tortal universe (Song of the Lioness quartet, Immortals quartet, Protector of the Small quartet, Beka Cooper trilogy) because there's a lot of fighting and a lot of training for fighting explained. Protector of the Small also has a handful of battles described, past duels, which might be of use to you.

Hope this helps!

Yes, it does! Thanks! I'm reading "Eragon" (by Christopher Paolini) right now, and now that I think about it, I do notice how the fight sequences are. Short, sweet, and very too the point, with a few descriptive words thrown in. I'm pressing ahead in my own story, and this time, I'm definitely thinking about what you've pointed out. Again, thanks so much! You've been a great help!