Young Writers Society

I was listening to my iPod and it hit me like...I don't know. Like a brick in a pie shoved into my face?

Anyway, this isn't my usual romantic humor story type so I really need opinion on this. (Also because it's kind of complicated, so please forgive me if it's long)



It's about a girl named Rayne. It's set in the future. Because society is so obsessed with perfection, everybody is bred. There is no such thing as marriage/social interaction. Men are required to donate to sperm banks and women their eggs. Every year one batch of around a hundred children or so are produced, all from the same father. The batch will have the same family name.

The children are separated into three groups: the Civis, who will become the civilians; the Affis, who will become government officials and the Differs, who will become the government's assassins. Usually only two or three Differs per batch. The Affis are the most charismatic people and the Civis are everyone else. They're all brought up in the same house.

Civis are raised together but are isolated for two years before release. The ones who don't survive the isolation (eg, turn crazy) are promptly killed. Those who do are assigned an angel, a house and released into the streets. Usually out of about a hundred children, eighty-five will become Civis, ten will become Affis and five will either die or become Differs.

Affis are bred together - they are the only people in society who actually have social interaction. They are raised to be extremely loyal to the Mother, the ruler of this new society. They're assigned fresh angels, not rehashed ones like those of the Civis. (I'll touch on the angels in a while)

Differs are raised to be assassins - they are raised isolated. Their only companion will be an android who will teach them how to use weapons. Needless to say many don't survive so Differs are precious to the government. They kill those who dare to oppose the government and hunt down new angels.

As for the angels, it all started when a woman named Giselle Mathers captured one of them decades before the story. She broke his spirit and found that angels could bond to humans. The angel would protect the human, go everywhere with it, be a nagging conscience, etc. Soon, people were crazy about catching them and getting one. So in the "present" society, all people - except Differs - are presented a broken angel. When the person dies, the angel - who is implanted with a locator chip - will return to the institution until he/she is assigned to a new one.

Everything is done with computers, people aren't allowed to talk to each other - their only companions are their angels.

Anyway, back to Rayne. She's a Differ from the Sinclair batch. Differs aren't supposed to be released from the Institute - ever. Only Civis are - Affies and Differs are directly transferred to the Winter Palace. (the center of the government).

Everytime it's their birthday, they have to fill out a form. Rayne filled out hers but she liked spelling her name as Rayne, not Rain like it's supposed to be. So the computer's filters didn't catch her and they released her instead because the one they were supposed to keep in was Rain Sinclair, not Rayne. (Does it make sense to you?)

She gets released without an angel or a house (these are assigned to Civis the day before release). So she stumbles into the street and sees an illegal - a person born out of an actual copulation. He's half-insane because even his own mother won't talk to him. So he tries to attack Rayne.

Rayne would have defended herself but she didn't need to. A wild angel comes down.

In this dysfunctional world, angels have learned to stay away from it or else get caught and become a broken - chained to their human.

But Keion is (yes, I admit) a little bit on the insane side. He's the quiet kind of genius insane. Anyway, Keion wants to kill the Mother and fix the world - he's an Angel of Death. But he can't get in the Winter Palace without a human - it would be suicide to do so if he went in without seeming like a broken.

He finds Rayne in the street, about to be attacked by a nutter that he planned to bond with and manipulate. Fascinated by her reflexes, he kills the nutter instead and asks her if she wants to be his partner. He shows her our society, which in comparison to the world she lives in, was heaven. He tells her that he could fix the world. She believes him and so begins their adventure.

The two of them against the world. A wild (slightly psychotic) angel and a Differ without any weapons.



So what do you think? Is it too complicated? Is it bad? >.<" It's just stuck in my mind so I was wondering if it was nice.

Wow that's complicated. I think it would be interesting to read but your getting really close to the uglies triology by scott westerfield. I would try to twist it in a new direction and play with your characters a bit. This idea has been basically done.

Thanks for the feedback. I just went to Wikipedia and checked out the Uglies series. and it does seem familiar to my idea. I'll just have to work around my plot, I guess.

Meh, it doesn't sound like Uglies -- except for the whole future-perfection thing and dysfunctional society, but that's just a common theme in any futuristic novel -- Brave New World, Fahrenheit 451, The Giver, 1984, etc. etc. (all books you should read if you haven't yet, btw)

Just because you share the same theme, doesn't make your story a cop-out It's all about the execution of it.

Actually when you started to mention the angels bit, it instantly reminded me of How to Ditch Your Fairy which had a similar thing done with fairies rather than angels, however, it's not futuristic so much as yours is.

If it's stuck in your mind, I say go with it. Don't ever hesitate! Write what's on your mind! You'll go further that way ^_^

As for ways of improvement:

Definitely try and develop the characters a bit more, and I say this because you didn't really mention much about them in your summary other than a vague outline and their roles in the plot. And so my best advice to you (from someone who also writes futuristic sci-fi and has been there done that ;D) is to try your best not to think of your character as a plot-device. One day it'll happen, and you won't mean to do it consciously, I'm just warning you that it's real easy to force a specific outcome for the story, and then it stops sounding like a story and begins to sound intentional and readers start to see the plot holes.

For example, why does Keion need a human to get into the Winter Palace? If all he needs to do is seem like a Broken, then why can't he just act like one? And why pick the illegal as a first choice for his scheme? If Keion needed a human just so he can get into the palace, why would he pick an illegal? Would the officials guarding it even allow illegals inside?

And if Rayne is supposed to be a Differ who supposedly hunt down angels, then Keion would naturally want to stay as far away from Rayne as possible, right? The fact that he sees that she has fast reflexes and is one of those people who're supposed to catch people like him, those should be good indicators for him to run away from her, not run towards her. (see what I mean by forced?)

And it seems to me like Keion hasn't thought through his plan. What would the consequences be if he were to kill the mother? Wouldn't the situation be the same, except that there'd be no humans being made anymore? To get the world back to the way it was, it's going to take a heck of a lot of time and patience and change, because we're talking about a whole CIVILIZATION who have been brainwashed, they don't know any better, they don't know why it's wrong or what's right. They only know that Keion sounds crazy.

And not to mention the whole officials and people who are going to be chasing after him for 'rebelling against society' how does he plan to hide from those people?

It definitely could be done of course. But I just hope that Keion has a much better, much more thought out plan than that. Even if he is crazy.

Anyway, these are just a few plotholes that I've spotted But I'm sure that it's probably more from the lack of info. Still, you get what I mean about trying to force the outcome of a plot? Just write and see what you & your characters can come up with spontaneously. You'll be surprised with what you can come up with!

But I think I'm getting off-topic The point is, I think you have the start of a real good story brewing here. So play with it more and develop your characters more Don't worry about bad-writing or trying to come up with a creative plot, it'll be creative just by the way that you execute it.

I do like the little loophole in the beginning about the Rain/Rayne thing. I especially loved how it sets up the character as an individual with creative thought. ^_^

Anyway, it certainly sounds interesting! ^_^ If you need anyone to plothash or brainstorm ideas, or if you ever post the first couple of chapters on here, please PM me I'd love to read/help out.

~ Audy

Wow. Thanks for taking the time to point out the plotholes. I haven't gone so far as to see why Keion believes that killing the mother would reinstate the world yet, but I think he's more or less planning to replace her with Rayne. If Rayne is the new Mother, then she'll have the world wrapped around her finger.

That could work to their advantage because no one has ever seen the Mother before. She's hidden herself. Only a few people, a few people could be easily weeded out.

Now, I have answers for some of your questions. Some I don't. And so I'll have to learn more about my characters, like you suggested. ^^

why does Keion need a human to get into the Winter Palace? If all he needs to do is seem like a Broken, then why can't he just act like one?

Broken angels only get as far as the stables, and they're marked with a locator chip. (So that if their human dies and they run away/get ideas they can be tracked down) They need to use the chip to get in and out. Keion doesn't have a chip. On the other hand, people can get in and out of the palace easily as long as they have an angel.

And why pick the illegal as a first choice for his scheme? If Keion needed a human just so he can get into the palace, why would he pick an illegal? And if Rayne is supposed to be a Differ who supposedly hunt down angels, then Keion would naturally want to stay as far away from Rayne as possible, right? The fact that he sees that she has fast reflexes and is one of those people who're supposed to catch people like him, those should be good indicators for him to run away from her, not run towards her.

He didn't pick the illegal. He never thought of picking an illegal. He was scouring the city for a person whose angel died (angels die because of the stuff injected into them to make them submissive). He ran across Rayne and the illegal.

When he saw Rayne, she didn't have weapons with her. Which meant that even if she wanted to, she couldn't catch him.

And he knew Rayne would need help. She doesn't have a home or an angel. She won't be able to get food, clothing, etc. She'll be punished and possibly killed if she's found because in all technicalities, she "escaped". Indicates rebellion, and they can't have that now can they?

Keion had found a house where the Civi living in it had died. The Civi is yet to be found since house checks only happen once a week. So he's practically planning to steal said Civi's identity for Rayne.

And not to mention the whole officials and people who are going to be chasing after him for 'rebelling against society' how does he plan to hide from those people?

He plans on winging it. He figures that Rayne and him could pass as Civis, but it's going to prove a whole lot tougher than he thought. Part of the plot. ^^

Again, thanks for the help! I'll be sure to PM you if I ever encounter any problems.

Wow...I'm very fond of this idea. When I first read the dystopian futuristic setting, I kind of rolled my eyes because the idea, while it can be done well (i.e. 1984, Brave New World), is usually done badly in YA fiction. But I read on and I was quite pleased by what I read. It sounds different from anything I've read before (though granted, I can't say for sure if the plot resembles another YA novel's plot or not, seeing as I'm horribly un-well-read in YA...but I can say at the very least the similarities to Brave New World and 1984 are superficial).

I'm very fond of system with the bonded angels, though I have to question why nobody has any social interaction. That doesn't seem very convenient too me and too hard to enforce besides; perhaps have it so that no one has any meaningful interaction with other people anymore? I feel bad for citing 1984 and Brave New World again, but those are the only dystopias I really know well, so have a look at them for examples of interaction between people that's unthreatening to the dystopian order because it's meaningless. If I'm even making sense. >_>

But I'm liking the sound of Keion's character, and if written well he will be awesome. And as said before, the system of bonded angels is fascinating. The plot and premise you have are definitely workable; I'd say keep cultivating this idea, because it'll be something different and quite entertaining if done well. I'd only advise you to watch out for "info-dumping" because with a system like you have it's very easy to just dump all the information you can about it all at once in the first chapter; however, it turns the reader off to your story. So try to work the information about your world naturally into the narrative; and I feel bad citing Huxley and Orwell again, but I've long held 1984 and Brave New World as masterpieces of dystopia, so again take a look at those books to see how well the authors build up their dystopian societies without interrupting the flow of their narratives. In particular, pay attention to the first sentence of 1984; it's a masterpiece of worldbuilding done right, in my opinion.

Sorry I got so long-winded, but I wouldn't have if I wasn't so enthusiastic for this idea. It's definitely the kind of book I'd read if I saw it in the store. Good luck writing!