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Young Writers Society


Do you think this would make good book?



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Gender: Female
Points: 300
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Sat Mar 07, 2009 9:46 pm
Katiferthecat says...



"Beep-beep-beep-beep, Beep-beep-beep-beep." Ugh...I've decided that alarm clocks are the most annoying things on this planet. I hit the snooze button, desperately trying to delve back into the dream I was having about...him... After a while, frustrated, I flipped off my polka-dot covers and got out of bed. I walked, half-asleep, to the bathroom to wash my face. As the water heated up, I had a half a second of time to think. Mason…Just the thought of him set my heart racing 100 miles an hour. I picked up my pink wash cloth when the water was done heating up and began to wipe off my morning face. “Annalee! Are you almost done, sweetie?” my mom called from downstairs. “Yeah!” I yelled. I wrung out the wash cloth and hung it up on the edge of the tub to dry then started down the stairs. I’d leave my pajamas on and get dressed later. Yessss, chocolate Pop-tarts, I thought as I eyed the box on the counter. I grabbed a couple and threw them in the toaster then poured myself a glass of milk. I sat down at the counter and realized that I had almost fallen asleep waiting when my Pop-tarts popped up in the toaster. I ate quickly so I would have enough time to make myself look presentable.


Do you like it? Any suggestions? I'm considering putting in details about Annalee and Mason while Annalee eats her Pop-tarts. Sound good?

Thanks to anyone that helps me out! ALL suggestions are welcome!

:D
  





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Gender: Female
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Sat Mar 07, 2009 9:56 pm
Katiferthecat says...



Fine, I'll talk to myself then...lol. Wow! What [/i]wonderful work!
  





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Sat Mar 07, 2009 10:33 pm
Krupp says...



Post it in the writing section firstly...You don't post this stuff here in the community sections. This is for discussing the work, not critiquing it.

If you want results and people reading your stuff, read the rules and post the topics where they're supposed to be posted. That way, you know you'll be in the right place, and people will read it.
I'm advertising here: Rosetta...A Determinism of Morality...out May 25th...2010 album of the year, without question.
  





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80 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 80
Sun Mar 08, 2009 7:39 am
Jay says...



This should really be in the writing section-under 'Writing' you'll see 'submit something'. But since you only joined yesterday, I'll give you a pass.

Also, people need some time to reply-it takes longer than ten minutes! Finally, you need to do two reviews for every piece of work you submit.

Now, this is a good start-the writing style is colloquial and relatable. It seems very animated as well. I also like your use of small details.

You should really break it up into separate paragraphs though-this makes it much more readable:


Katiferthecat wrote:"Beep-beep-beep-beep, Beep-beep-beep-beep." Ugh...I've decided that alarm clocks are the most annoying things on this planet. I hit the snooze button, desperately trying to delve back into the dream I was having about...him... After a while, frustrated, I flipped off my polka-dot covers and got out of bed.

I walked, half-asleep, to the bathroom to wash my face. As the water heated up, I had a half a second of time to think. Mason…Just the thought of him set my heart racing 100 miles an hour. I picked up my pink wash cloth when the water was done heating up and began to wipe off my morning face.

“Annalee! Are you almost done, sweetie?” my mom called from downstairs.
“Yeah!” I yelled. I wrung out the wash cloth and hung it up on the edge of the tub to dry then started down the stairs. I’d leave my pajamas on and get dressed later. Yessss, chocolate Pop-tarts, I thought as I eyed the box on the counter. I grabbed a couple and threw them in the toaster then poured myself a glass of milk.

I sat down at the counter and realized that I had almost fallen asleep waiting when my Pop-tarts popped up in the toaster. I ate quickly so I would have enough time to make myself look presentable.


Good luck with this-it definitely has appeal and potential. Oh, and by the way, welcome to YWS!
  








A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language.
— W.H. Auden