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help with story



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Sun Sep 03, 2017 12:50 am
MrPhox says...



I have a story that I want to change to make it better.

I have kinda finish it but I want to expend it. So far I have like 35 pages of it.

My main character is a 16 years old boy and he find himself in another world where there are no humans, just anthropomorphic animals who have evolve on Earth. He's stuck in the body of a fox who was (executed by removing his soul from its body, leaving a blank mind). He try to find books about "mind transfer" and stuff like that to try to return to his human body. along the way he help a young vixen who's a princess who run away from her kingdom. He discover that these animals are as much human in their attitude and they can be stubborn. He get a lot of obstacles in his quest and also find love.

Since he's 16, how would he be able to express his desire in a world where love his forbidden?

How would he react to all the deception he face? The lie and coverup?

The dilemma he face, stay with the one he love or return home and lose her? Maybe also a possibility that she can go to the world of human, but how would she react to a world that slaughter, hunt animals for the sports, for their furs? How peoples would react if they discover that she's a real fox, not someone dress like one?



I don't work much on my story or stories, I try to look at stuff on how to develop a character but I left a lot of case empty since he's a kid.



The deception of someone he like and trust is helping him in his quest but also leading him into dead end to prevent him from finding a way home because it would expose a secret group who's trying to raise/create a army for countries who would pay a lot for soldiers who would follow order and never stop.



Time pass and he grow more mature, how it would change his life once he get back to his human body? example, he's stock a good 20 years in the body of a fox, he grow more mature, well he became an adult and return to his young body. His mother, friends school family would notice a big change of character.

Nothing are fix. I'm here to see if I should make change and what I need to change.
  





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Tue Sep 05, 2017 5:44 pm
ajruby12 says...



Hey Phox! I have a few suggestions:

1. So your character is in a world of only animals and no humans? Why would he want to return to a human form? It appears that his family is human, but do they live in another place? Maybe his being in the form of an animal is some sort of curse and no one really knows that he's actually a sentient being. So then he's sneaking around trying to figure out how to regain his human form.

2. Also, maybe his love interest was once a princess who was also trapped in an animal's form by a curse, and she's trying to return to her own kingdom. But he knows that if he tries to help her, he may have to stay in his animal form forever. (Possibly that there's some sort of rule about breaking the curse, that it requires two cursed creatures and one must remain cursed) Maybe your character does break the curse for the princess and has to stay in his animal form, then when he finds her again and tries to get her to help him, she rejects him.

3. So then the person that he trusts (and who betrayed him?) was someone also trying to break his/her own curse by the means of tricking your main character. Maybe your main character finds out who has been placing these curses on people and realizes that the only way he can regain a human form is to kill the sorceror (or who ever it is)

This sounds interesting! If you have any more questions, don't hesitate to message (or PM) me.

-AJ
"There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them." - Ray Bradbury
  





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Wed Sep 06, 2017 11:45 am
Tenyo says...



Hey MrPhox!

I love the concept of this, it sounds really fun. My only advice is to make sure you take your 16-year-old seriously, and remember to avoid falling into the trap of allowing younger characters to remain under developed.

Even little kids have drives of their own and things they're passionate about. One sitting patiently at a table waiting to be praised for finishing all her food while the other has abandoned her plate to run off and get back to mashing crayons into the carpet isn't too different to the knight who stands by her king with blind loyalty and the other who abandons her duties to get drunk and paint mocking caricatures of nobles and royalty.

Even at sixteen when everything is confusing and there is still a lot of life experience to be gained, things still matter. Instead of thinking of a juvenile and mature personality, try simply using two different personalities and how one gradually turns into the other.

The easiest example I can think of is Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars. It's interesting watching him as he matures and grows up, but the key is the path that took him from being a humble, hard working tinkerer to a murderous child killer.
We were born to be amazing.
  





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Wed Sep 06, 2017 5:25 pm
MrPhox says...



1-He's the only human in a world on anthro animals. he want to return home to his human body because he miss his family and friends. He was at the beginning that the world of the animals was fun, but discover later that they are very human in many way. I mean they behave like human, greed, corruption, malice. they have many "human" emotions. But they also have a lot of kindness.

2-The princess is just a vixen from that world and run away because she don't want to have a fox that was promise to her when she was born. She don't like him and find that he's not kinda bright. he a moron and she have no desire to be with him. She want to see the world and she like trains.

3- I was thinking that someone he trust betray him, that animal have contacted the family of the princess to tell them where she was for the reward of like 10.000 gold pieces.
The human is not aware of what she is, she told him but he did not really believe her and was imagining her like the princess in like fairy tails. the animals don't wear clothing beside a jacket for the pocket so they can put the money they have. the I.D. is a crystal they have around the neck.

So the princess have no I.D. and no money. So she steal food and money to survive.

Love is forbidden because it go no place in life, you join with another to gain a rank, a level in live. So sex is only for having males, if they have females they try to find males to join them with it.

None predator or herbivore are slave and meat for the carnivore, both are sentient and they consider that to be normal like you eat a apple from the three to eat. The herbivore like the horses who are to be slaughter live in the slaughter house. they know that they will be kill to feed the carnivore and find it normal, its what they are for. Small rodent are use for other stuff and also as food.

they don't hunt since food is available. They have laws like wolf are forbidden to howl at the full moon, a herbivore can't walk in the city without his master.

they don't have photography, radio and no recording device. The trains are still steam but they have electricity, sanitation and other stuff like that. They have automobile, but its not internal combustion engines. they are kinda electric cars. they use the crystal to power cars.

They don't have planes, but have boats. the military have something that is a bit like old sails boat mix with like WW one boat and they are war to conquer more lands.

He discover that some place where they have kingdom that the population are starving so they can live in luxury, they wast a lot of food and trow it to the peoples. he find that horrible that the let the animals suffer like that and no other country seem to care. Like its not in my yard, I don't care. Its never anyone business to do anything, but when they want something they find that its the best thing to do.

You are ready to invade another country to get its resources, but when the population's life are starving and left to die its not for you or anyone to do anything about it because its "internal" matter. That kind of attitude make him very angry!
  








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