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Feedback Please?



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Tue Aug 15, 2017 4:20 pm
bwi says...



I wasn't exactly sure where to put this but this seemed like the best place... Anyway, this is an excerpt from a fanfiction that I'm currently working on.

The squeeze of the blood pressure cuff around your bicep pulled you from sleep. A quiet groan left your lips and you blinked the remnants of a dream from your vision. The room blurred into focus, a voice somewhere near your head apologizing for waking you.
“Sorry, Y/N-ssi.”

Something just feels like it's missing? I'm not really sure what but it doesn't sound right to me. If you guys could figure it out it would be greatly appreciated. (any feedback would be appreciated honestly) Thank you in advance!
  





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Tue Aug 15, 2017 11:15 pm
Rosendorn says...



What's the context of the scene?
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Wed Aug 16, 2017 1:35 am
bwi says...



So it's actually the first few sentences from the story. Basically, the MC has been hospitalized for a little longer than a month now. She has gone into heart failure and is waiting for a donor. The rest of it is teeth-rotting fluff but that's pretty much the premise of it.

I know that the excerpt isn't much to go off of for a proper critique but I feel like the second and first sentences need something in between them. They just don't feel cohesive to me...
  





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Wed Aug 16, 2017 6:21 pm
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Rosendorn says...



Probably some sort of sensory description.

Right now, if this is the opening, you're not adding in a biophysical context to really make us feel the second person narration. If I'm reading a second person narrator, I want to get enough input from the senses of that second person narrator. Stuff like monitors, the hiss of a cuff releasing, shuffling of patients outside the door... little details that sell "hospital."

It would also provide some clues for if this incident is routine, because right now I don't have the mental timeline of anything. As a result, it can be anything from "fell asleep waiting for a doctor" to "being checked after an extended hospital stay." It doesn't have to be an overt thing, but some indication of context would be helpful.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Fri Aug 18, 2017 6:46 pm
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bwi says...



Thank you for your help! I added more sensory details to the first paragraph and I think it reads better,
  








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