Young Writers Society

I have a new story idea for this site. I've written a rough draft on paper but I would like to hear your thoughts on what I have before I publish it on here. This is the information:

TITLE: Re-Nightmare

GENRE: Mystery/Thriller, Dramatic

RATING: 18+ (certain scenes, not for whole book)

CHARACTERS:
Alfred - Alfred is a 31-year-old male with a wife and two twin daughters. He is all around nervous and paranoid, always looking behind his shoulder. He never lets his girls go outside in the backyard alone - he always has to watch them. He's the breadwinner of the family, bringing home about 1000 a week for his construction job, while his wife is stay at home and is working on a novel.

Grace - Grace is a 27 year old man. He is Alfred's best friend and often comes over for beer and poker. He's loud, obnoxious, and goes from girl to girl. He's single and has no kids, but he makes it up with friends and parties, despite almost being thirty.

Mystery - Real name Riley, Mystery is a 41-year-old male. He's perverted, has a dark sense of humor, and has Bipolar Disorder. He collects knives and guns and had hunted deer when he was younger. He doesn't have a solid job or a house, he sleeps where he cz=an and eats what and when he can.

Other characters to be introduced

I haven't worked on the plot yet. I only have the beginning worked out. The middle and end of the story are still to be created. But I won't tell you guys what I have in the plot because it's an extremely rough draft and could change at any time, and I'm focusing on characters right now.

Thoughts?

Eh... you say you're focusing on the characters right now, but honestly, what I see here is not much to base any sort of opinion/critique on. If you don't want to share what you have of the plot so far, or you don't even have much of it yet, that's fine (everyone starts from a different point — for some it's the characters, for some it's the plot, for some it's the setting, or a premise). I found several problems I'd like to bring up:

The first problem here is, these people are just lists of facts and traits. I don't see any goals, any desires, anything that hints at me that these people will be
a) people, as in rounded 3D beings I could believe in, and
b) interesting MCs to follow through a story

There are hints to mysteries, there are family relations, there are bits that I could base guesses on, but I don't feel like I know these characters. What do they need, what do they want, what do they fear? What are they willing to sacrifice everything for, what is the one thing that can make them from random bystanders into the main characters? What kinds of mistakes are they likely to make, what kinds of failures are they likely to face? How far are they willing to go, what are they likely to do, to achieve those needs/desires/goals?

The second problem is the way bipolar disorder and paranoia (and in some senses, "perversion" (in quotes because I'm not really sure in which sense you're using it here)) are treated. I don't claim it was your intention, but these read like traits: something you considered interesting and slapped onto the characters to make them appear more real.

But those things are more than that, and listing them as traits in character profiles usually leads to inaccurate and often times harmful representation that stems from a lack of research. It's important you understand, before you even start writing about these people, that conditions such as bipolar disorder are very real and very present, and they affect a person diagnosed with them far beyond a label. They are things that will remain present and affect the character and the people they interact with, throughout the story. Conditions that aren't negative traits to be overcome or fixed. Conditions that require a lot of research, and preferably a round or two with sensitivity readers eventually, to portray right.

So, if you want to have a bipolar MC or a paranoid MC or whatever, by all means, go ahead: representation of mental illnesses is extremely important and something literature definitely needs more of, and I'm 100% on board. Just do your research, ask and listen, and be prepared to apologise and learn from the mistakes you make along the way.

The third problem I have is the relationship between Alfred and his wife. The way it reads, it's coming across as one of those "he works and makes money, while she's just at home entertaining her hobby", which is really... not great?

I mean, situations/families/couples like those exist, sure, and if you want to portray one because it fits your story, I'm not the one to stop you, but I'd personally prefer to see something better there.
Something more than what reads as "man makes money by doing hard work while woman is just at home being a housewife and writing a novel/whatever art-related job that isn't likely to go anywhere".

ETA: by the way, many people I know who are almost-thirty and well over thirty like friends and parties, single or not :p

I'm going to add -- my boyfriend is 28 and absolutely thrives on friends and parties! He's a mega introvert, so his idea of a party is hanging out and drinking with people he likes (and even then he gets super tired), but he's actually quite a social person once you get him started. The point being that you don't stop being social as you get older -- most of his friends are in their 30s, and obviously they're all still hanging out with friends and throwing parties. (One's actually getting married in September, so there's going to be like a week straight of nothing BUT parties.)

I know that these ages seem like forever away, but trust me, when you're 30 you'll feel the same as you will at 15, at 20, and probably at 25 (can't speak for that one yet). You're the same person, at your core.

It's also not that uncommon for people to be single throughout their 20s, their 30s, their 40s, or even their entire lives. Your life isn't defined by your romantic relationships. I was single my whole life until my boyfriend and I got together, and he had been single for 2 or 3 years -- and he was 27 when we started dating.

- - -

Aside from that: I agree with CoN on the "mental illness as personality trait" thing.

My father and older sister both have bipolar disorder, managed by medication. I have some form of paranoia. My entire family is subject to anxiety, depression, paranoia-as-hypochondria (believing you have an illness), and anything else under the sun.

We're people who happen to have these mental illnesses, not people who list them off as part of our personality. My paranoia isn't really part of my personality so much as something I deal with on a day-to-day basis -- "no, your boyfriend isn't going to break up with you today. no, there's no one living in your utility closet, look, the dresser you pushed against the door isn't moved. no, no one broke into your house, they couldn't lock the deadbolt after they left."

It's not my defining trait, and while I tell people I have paranoia, it's typically to let them know that sometimes it overwhelms me and I need support. It's not because my paranoia is the sole part of my personality that matters. After all, I have a dark sense of humor, but I also laugh at silly immature things; I'm intelligent and insist on finding out as much as I can; I try to help people in any way possible -- THAT is my personality, or part of it at least.

And with your BPD guy, it sounds like you're building him up as the "dangerous mentally ill dude" stereotype. He collects weapons, he went hunting as a kid, that's honestly one step away from flat out saying "he tortures animals for fun".

- - -

NOTE: It's okay to be wrong!

It's okay to get things not quite right. It's okay to do something that doesn't work. Try, try, try again, because the more you try, the more likely it is that it's going to be right the next time.

As long as you keep learning and growing, you'll do just fine!

One problem that you might encounter with your novel is the lack of goals. I find that I'll have a really strong novel idea, but when my characters aren't motivated, then you'll lose steam real fast.

I've also had really bad ideas that I could continue because my characters were motivated. One novel idea that I tucked away for a rainy day was about a girl who wanted to make her school newspaper popular again, and even though it wasn't very interesting, I wanted to keep writing it because I wanted my main character to succeed in her goals.

Hope this helps!