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Young Writers Society


Bizarre Roommates



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Fri Jun 23, 2017 10:41 pm
kman134 says...



the story is about a demigod boy named Ryu Bushi who is the son of Hachiman who moves into a town called Haven where humans and monsters co-exist. he then moves into Apartment 666 but was unaware that it was occupied by an emo music enthusiast vampire girl named from Wales Jessica Driscoll, and a ditzy busty fashionista african-american werewolf girl named Cristina Jordan.

the series would focus on the realism of innocent cohabitation and the unresolved sexual tensions of living with roommates of the opposite sex while also dealing with both slice-of-life deals such as working a job with a horrible co-worker who was your high school bully and mean girl, terrible relationships and trying to find your soulmate, sexual harassment from your boss, dealing with betrayal from your friends in all sorts ways, while also dealing with certain surreal scenarios such as a gang of vampires, poltergeists invading their homes, alien abductions, the monster C’thulhu starting the apocalypse, and dealing with their parents meddling in their affairs.

i came up with this while reading monster musume and Living with Hisptergirl and Gamergirl while also wha
  





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Sat Jun 24, 2017 3:14 am
Rosendorn says...



Because obviously as soon as guys and girls live together there's going to be unresolved sexual tensions.

Honestly, right now your plot seems to be reliant on a lot of really rocky stereotypes, where every girl is sexual and/or mean. The characters and plot situations don't read as characters and plot situations— instead they read as trite tropes that don't ring true to life.

If you really want to go for realism of cohabitation, you need to go beyond "there will immediately be unresolved sexual tension" and move onto "so who are they as people, are they even attracted to each other, and how do they take up space." It is 100% possible for a straight girl and straight guy to be friends without there being any risk of awkwardness, because not everybody is attractive to everybody else.

There's also the question of how he didn't know the apartment was occupied already? Unless you mean didn't know it would be occupied by those two girls. Either way, move far beyond assumptions of unresolved sexual tension and start seeing everyone as people.

I'm tilting my head at the concept everything about his life is going badly. That feels like it's heaping on the drama for the sake of drama, because while life can go utterly terrible at once it rarely happens where every aspect of life is terrible all at once. Pace out the bad events and give a few more hope spots if you're trying to go for realism.

All in all, this has a lot of assumptions treated as truth when those assumptions need to be unpacked and tested to see if they really are true if you want this story to succeed.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Sat Jun 24, 2017 5:26 am
kman134 says...



the story would focus on their personality development and their developing sexual and romantic attraction to each other. thy would take up space in their own individual rooms and would occasionally keep it lock, but will have some "victim of circumstance" moments once in a while. now, how there can be relationships among them would be base on time and helpful action the male lead would do to his roommates, and vice versa.

the reason why he didn't know it was occupied was because Jessica and Cristina got it online while Ryu got in from a pamphlet at a bus stop. that answers some of your questions
  





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Sat Jun 24, 2017 7:43 am
Rosendorn says...



That wasn't my point. My point was you automatically assumed they would develop feelings, and are building the plot backwards— you should be building the people, then seeing if a relationship is even possible.

Not all characters are meant to be in relationships together, and including female characters for the sole point of them becoming love interests is poor development of ideas.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Sun Jun 25, 2017 8:45 am
Redbox275 says...



I would agree that there are a lot clichés and stereotypes in the premise so far. However, I do love slice of life and mix of supernatural, so it does sound interesting.

One thing I would maybe change is the Vampire and Werewolf thing. Those monsters are so plentiful in our media. Maybe use a different monster, something more obscure such as a slkie (honestly I just looked that up). Or better yet, make your own monster with quirks that you can intergrade into the slice of life elements.
  





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Sun Jun 25, 2017 5:32 pm
kman134 says...



How about kemonomimi from japan like a Kitsune and a Nekomata. though they can become normal, they would have trouble dealing with the hardships because of what they are and in fitting in with normal humans.
  





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Sun Jun 25, 2017 6:41 pm
Rosendorn says...



If you're going to go Japanese, I would strongly suggest looking through Writing With Colour's Japan tag to get an idea. This post has some relevance.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Sun Jun 25, 2017 6:47 pm
kman134 says...



i don't even need that post. i'm 1/8th japanese and 5/8th chinese and european. i don't need some SJW tumblr to tell me what's relevant and what's not.
  





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Sun Jun 25, 2017 7:06 pm
Rosendorn says...



I just linked it because that blog is dedicated to getting as many perspectives from as many people of colour as possible, so even though you do have the background, a few more perspectives don't hurt.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Sun Jun 25, 2017 7:20 pm
kman134 says...



Yeah, but sometimes i don't trust Tumblr because most of the times, their posts aren't entirely reliable and much of it is fabricated.
  





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Sun Jun 25, 2017 7:29 pm
Rosendorn says...



Writing With Colour is built by people of colour for writers. All posts in the Japanese tag that get reblogged are vetted to make sure they come from actual Japanese people, so it's a pretty safe blog to use for research.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





User avatar
200 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 60
Reviews: 200
Sun Jun 25, 2017 8:03 pm
kman134 says...



okay, i'll give it a look, but i'll still remain skeptical.
  








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