Young Writers Society

So, I'm doing LMS (Last Man Standing) and I'm not sure about my synopsis. I wanted to run it by a few people and get some feedback on it. Maybe some suggestions on how to improve it. Y'know, general overview stuff. ^^

Synopsis: Seth Pearce, down on his luck and recently fired from his job, has his world turned upside when he discovers that he has a twin and he's not entirely human. Things take a turn for the worse when someone tries to kidnap him and someone else tries to kill him, forcing Seth's sister and a man she calls their "suitor" to take him far away from Earth.

Enjoy!

I think that this could be a little vague? I'm not entirely set on how it reads because it does seem a little forced, but I think that can be fixed with rewording. The first line drags on for a little while and I wanted to point out something about it:

Synopsis: Seth Pearce, down on his luck and recently fired from his job, has his world turned upside when he discovers that he has a twin and he's not entirely human.

I think that there should be a comma after "twin" in the sentence. I don't know if this is what you're going for, but it comes off as a little goofy for a tone and reminds me of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy a little bit? I'm not saying that it's a bad thing or that you should change it, but I'm not sure if that's the tone that you were trying to go for with this synopsis.

The ending is stronger than the opening for me as it makes the reader invest their intrigue of who this "suitor" is, and I think you do well on that. I think if you're trying to make for a more serious tone, the phrases "down on his luck" and "his world turned upside-down" cut out or changed because I think that's what conveys the thought that this might be comedy related.

The suitor part is something that makes me interested the most and is the best part like I said before, but try reworking it if you're not going for what I'm kind of describing.

Thank yoooou! <3

I was thinking those parts were iffy, but I wasn't sure how to reword it. I think I'll tweak it and give it another go!

In the meantime, if anyone else has comments/suggestions/etc to give, feel free to do so! ^^

Synopsis number two for your persual! Enjoy!

Synopsis #2: Seth Pearce, recently fired from his job, has his world tilted on its axis when he discovers that he has a twin and he's not entirely human. Things take a turn for the worse when someone tries to kidnap him and someone else tries to kill him, forcing Seth's sister and a man she calls their "suitor" to take him far away from Earth.

I'm considering making the suitor some type of alien that feeds on energy? Like a space incubus? XD

Synopsis #2: Seth Pearce, recently fired from his job, has his world tilted on its axis when he discovers that he has a twin and he's not entirely human. Things take a turn for the worse when someone tries to kidnap him and someone else tries to kill him, forcing Seth's sister and a man she calls their "suitor" to take him far away from Earth.

Hmm, so I guess I'm intrigued already when I read the word 'fired'. I think the first sentence is okay, although I'm confused about the part 'he has a twin and he's not entirely human', because I'm not sure if both hes refer to Seth or his twin. Maybe you can rephrase it to make it clearer in meaning.

First part of the second sentence (until 'to kill him') needs a clarity in terms of why. Why does two someone want to kidnap and kill Seth? You don't have to give a specific explanation, just say it has something to do with him being not human (if that's what you mean from the first sentence).

The second part also lacks clarity. When it reads 'Seth's sister', does it mean his twin or his already known sister? There's no definite clue for which one is she. Also, may I know the definition of suitor here? I only know it means potential spouse, so. >.> Other than that, the synopsis is fine as it is.

The sister and the twin are the same person, just to clear that up. It seems that I may need to clarify that. Hmm. That means the line you pointed out is referring specifically to Seth.

If I said why, that would give away a huge plot point. I'm trying to keep it at least a little vague. Hmm, I need to think on this and maybe adjust a few things. Hmm.

And yes, suitor means potential spouse here.

ScarlettFire wrote:And yes, suitor means potential spouse here.

... and you said 'their "suitor"'. Does this mean bigamy? o:

Yes, and siblings at that. Aliens are weird, man.

My god, controversies. I have to read this. xD Good luck on writing!

Haha. It's more the twins will marry the suitor... But that's still controversial, isn't it? I don't know if the twins will do anything other than look at each other. Their alien suitor is another matter entirely.

I repeat; aliens are weird.

To get the first thought out of the way: this is not a synopsis c: I'd call it a blurb or a pitch (although it's a bit on the long side for the latter), because I'd expect to see more (more details, more plot, etc) in a synopsis. This article does a pretty good job explaining it really simply.

Now that terminology is out of the way...

Synopsis: Seth Pearce, down on his luck and recently fired from his job, has his world turned upside when he discovers that he has a twin and he's not entirely human. Things take a turn for the worse when someone tries to kidnap him and someone else tries to kill him, forcing Seth's sister and a man she calls their "suitor" to take him far away from Earth.

What confused me the most was that it makes it hard to grasp what kind of setting/worldbuilding is going on here. At first it reads like contemporary fiction that can go pretty much anywhere-- then it turns paranormal? Fantasy? Then it gets incredibly vague, and finally ends on a sci-fi note :p
Not saying that mixing genres is bad, or that you even need to know the genre of your novel right now, but I'd like to see some more clarity in there.

A MC down on his luck and getting fired isn't super interesting. A newly-discovered twin, the non-human aspect and the alien suitor are -- I'd lead with that.
As for the kidnapping and the rest... it's interesting, and I'm sure it'll be interesting to read about, but as it is now it's just too vague to really justify its presence in the pitch. I hope that makes sense.

May I see a version that focuses more on the suitor and the sff elements of it?

Thanks for pointing all this out, Aria. ^^ I have a few things to consider now, so I'll try rearranging a few things and see how that goes. As for more detail; i wanted it to be a little vague still. I'll try to work more into it, specifically the suitor and the sci-fi elements.

In fact, if you'd like to lurk in my notes wfp and make suggestions, that'd be awesome. ^^

ScarlettFire wrote:In fact, if you'd like to lurk in my notes wfp and make suggestions, that'd be awesome. ^^

I'm not sure if this was directed specifically at me or at both Light and me, or at anyone stopping by this thread, but in any case I'm always interested to lurk and read novel notes :]

Specifically you, Aria. XD I'll PM you a link in a bit. ^^

Quick note; updated the thread title. This is now where I'll be discussing my LMS project. So expect me to post random snippets and character lists and various other worldbuilding and non-worldbuilding things here.