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Looking for help with a few things



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Mon Sep 19, 2016 8:30 pm
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williamh1995 says...



Essentially, I've been writing for the best part of a year and I finally almost finished what seems to be my main project after several re-writes and plot changes and a long and unnecessary process of me checking for mistakes and I finally decided to see if there was anyone who would take the time to see if my plot line is any good. Here goes nothing!

The plot is mainly based around two characters (Adrian Williams and Heather white) where they become entangled in the plan of a machine lord (The Monitor) who tells them that he has been part of a long line of "Beholder's" of a Mantle, made by the god Zealance, and that they must become the final Beholder's of this great responsibility. Soon they become deeply affected by the turn of events as the Monitor attempts to directly locate them. Yet, a greater goal than that is sitting out there as what the Monitor is doing is causing time to reset (creating a cycle) before they can ever get this Mantle by an evil force in the universe named the Deathsingers. Adrian, with the aid of the Ether (those who helped create the Monitor) set out to bring an end to this cycle and claim the Mantle whilst he deals with the hardships of his and Heather's relationship, the knowledge of higher powers in the universe and the knock back of his father being diagnosed with Alzheimers.

I hope someone reads this because I'm new and I'd love to get some feedback. Also i'm sorry if the plot described sounds confusing, I'm not so good at explaining the story thoroughly without going into huge detail
  





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Fri Sep 23, 2016 10:21 pm
Kale says...



That summary is pretty confusing, and I'm wondering what you're looking for feedback on. Do you want help improving the summary to make it more interesting, or are you asking for our impressions based on the summary itself?

If the latter, I'd say it would depend on my mood because the summary was quite confusing. You would probably have better luck posting up the first few chapters to gauge interest than basing it off the above summary.
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Thu Sep 29, 2016 1:49 pm
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Tenyo says...



Hey Williamh!

Allow me to play with this a little.

Setting:
Someplace somewhere where time is broken and keeps cycling round.

Characters:
Adrian Williams- father has alzheimers,
Heather White
The Monitor (machine lord)
[Deathsingers]
[Ether] - Created The Monitor
Zealance - God who made the mantle

Plot:
- Monitor tells Adrian and Heather that he's part of the Beholders of the Mantle, and that they must become the final ones.
- Monitor tries to directly locate Adrian and Heather.
- Deathsingers are causing time to reset (creating a cycle) before they can get the Mantle.
- Adrian gets help from Ether and tries to claim Mantle

Other Plot (that exists somewhere over this time period)
- Adrian and Heather have issues
- Adrian has power issues
- Adrians dad is diagnosed with Alzheimers.

I think that's right?

The thing is, plot is only one part of a story. What I really like about this is that Adrian (who I assume is the main character) has to deal with real life issues alongside saving the world. For me it's something that makes characters relatable and also tickles that idea that our imaginary worlds really are just lurking behind cupboard doors and under floorboards.

I'd like to know more about what the mantle is, and what kind of world this is based in. When it comes to fantasy stories the world is almost as important as the characters.

Also, if you're testing out your plot on people, don't worry about making it sound fancy ; ] Just stick to bullet points, it'll be easier to read and understand. It'll also give you a clearer overall picture of your novel for when you start writing a full pitch.
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Fri Sep 30, 2016 9:43 pm
Megrim says...



I understand that you want feedback on the plot itself rather than how you presented it, but I'm still going to recommend this 2-part video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tf4fKJAlGFU

The reason is, forcing yourself to break it down like that will REALLY help clarify the plot/main goals/characters in your mind. I don't care about you actually having a pitchable blurb/query, but if you play pretend and try to boil the plot/character down to those essentials, it will give you some really good direction and a better understanding of your own story. Highly recommend it for everyone.
  








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