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Looking for brutally honest feedback on story idea



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Fri Jun 26, 2015 12:53 am
Sureal says...



Hi guys,

I've put together a one sentence summary of a YA sci-fi novel I'm thinking of writing. Would appreciate some (preferably brutally honest) opinions on it before I take it any further.

"A teenager battling social anxiety has her only friend snatched away by the evil lurking within the post-apocalyptic colony they have mysteriously woken up in, and must now overcome her disorder to work with strangers if she is to save her friend."

Reckon it has any legs, or shall I cast around for another story?
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Fri Jun 26, 2015 1:29 am
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Mea says...



Well, I'd like some more details, but what you have sounds pretty interesting. I think I'd read it, especially since, while I don't have social anxiety, I can really relate to someone who does.

The main things I'm not too sure about are the evil and the post-apocalyptic colony. I wouldn't mind reading about a post-apocalyptic colony, but that's such a hallmark of dystopian fiction that I really hope you've put an interesting, or at least different spin on it.

Also, for me, "evil lurking within" is rather vague, and I prefer my villains in stories like these to not be purely "evil." I'd just like a better description of what they are. For all I know, it could be the literal incarnation of the Devil, or giant mutant rats, or anything else. Also, why on earth do they want to snatch her friend? What's so important about the friend to the villains? I'm sure you've thought of all of this, but I'd like to know.

Finally, you say they've "mysteriously woken up" in the colony. Do they remember their lives? I assume they do, because the girl knows that the other person is her friend. Are they from the present day? If they are, is there a particular reason why they are instead of from that time period or any other time period?

And then of course, there's the whole "make sure you do your research on social anxiety" bit, which I'm sure you know.

But yes, I think this story has legs. I'd read it. :D
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Fri Jun 26, 2015 1:39 am
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hunith says...



i think its great. but since the concept is young, there isn't much i can say. cos stories tend to have their own paths. but overall, its great!!
  





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Fri Jun 26, 2015 1:48 am
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Juniper says...



You should know better than to ask us to grant you permission to write something based on a very concise summary. Think of it this way: very, very many people live the same story, but what makes it interesting are the details in between the generalizations.

Yes, the themes are overdone. Post-apocalyptic stories are a dime a dozen. Someone overcame their challenges to become a hero? Happens every day. It depends on how you write it.
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Fri Jun 26, 2015 6:05 am
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Snoink says...



Do it! Do it! Do it!

Though, I would probably tweak "overcome" to "work with" as far as disorders go, because these sorts of disorders never entirely go away, but they can be worked with and managed.

But yeah. DO IT.
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Fri Jun 26, 2015 7:41 am
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Apricity says...



Juni has a really good point there, as someone once said there are no original ideas, but there are original people. That's basically what every YA dystopian evolves around, but the way in which you write will determine how good it will actually be.

The summary so far sounds a bit limited, I'm not sure if you can base an entire story on this friend managing her social anxiety in this dystopian society. And I would really like to know what type of dystopian society this is because it is a pretty significant factor in your story. That being said, I am really curious to see how she interacts with different character and grows as the story progresses. A theme of dealing with their fears (though overkilled) is always a good seed to grow something great.

On top of that, you can use that as your central theme but you'll need several smaller themes. Otherwise, the story could peter out very quickly.

But I say go for it. Just write it.
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Fri Jun 26, 2015 8:51 pm
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Pretzelstick says...



Well I honestly think that this is a tough character to write, from your summary since she has emotional and mental problems. You really have to get into her head,so I would suggest writing 1st person so that you can show her thoughts,intentions,and emotions.

Now,I think that the one sentence summary needs to be a bit ... longer? more expanded? Because right now,it feels like you clumped up a lot of plot twists and events into one little sentences. Perhaps writing a paragraph would make this post seem more approachable?

To answer your question itself,would I read the book? The answer is no, but that's only because it could/would trigger me,and so I would like to have a trigger warning for some people. If you can read something, and can relate in a bad way that you just shouldn't read it. The content holds some potential interest,but every book isn't meant to be read by everyone.
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Fri Jun 26, 2015 9:43 pm
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Megrim says...



Personally I would't read it (based on that short summary alone). It sounds too much like the rest of the YA dystopian novels that are super popular right now. I get a kick out of them, but my heart belongs to The Giver, and with the Hunger Games vying for second place, you'd have to totally blow my mind for your story to be memorable. Definitely agree that old ideas can be written in refreshing new ways, but when something is SO crazy popular and a zillion people are querying their new YA novels and a bunch of knock-offs are getting turned into movies, it becomes a lot harder to stand out and not feel like just "another one."

However, there's nothing stopping you from writing it for fun and for practice. You don't have to set your sights on publishing for everything you write, after all. I'd say have fun with it and, if nothing else, use it as an exercise to get to know and develop a character like that. Maybe in the end you'll have a great, original product, maybe not. Worst case scenario, write something else with your improved skills when you're done.
  





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Sun Jun 28, 2015 12:17 am
Sureal says...



Thank you very much to each and every one of you. The feedback I've received has been invaluable.

After much musing, I've reworked the one sentence summary:

"A teenager must rescue her only surviving friend, taken as a sacrifice by a dark god, despite warnings it could mean the end of humanity."

So what have I done here and why?

I wasn't completely feeling the original, and I've come to the conclusion this is because the internal conflict (dealing with social anxiety) didn't fit the external conflict (saving her friend's life). This is largely because there is a large disparity in what is at stake, but there are also tonal and thematic gaps too.

The new internal conflict will essentially be the character debating with herself about whether or not she's doing the right thing. Rather than focussing on the character's intense shyness, I will instead be looking at her stubbornness and exploring whether or not she is being selfish.

As for the social anxiety ... I'm tempted to leave it in and relegate it to a sub-plot, but I'm undecided on this. I may end up stripping it out entirely, and rework the character to be more self-confident and sociable.

Anyone have any thoughts on the new summary? Think it's better/worse/the same?

***

@Juniper I think it's a positive thing to bounce thoughts and ideas off other people. (And regardless of how common my themes are, the story will naturally be wonderfully written. ;) )
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Sun Jun 28, 2015 12:31 am
Mea says...



I feel like this summary is a bit more confusing. Was the friend taken by the dark god, or just the god's followers, who are planning on sacrificing her? Because that would make more sense.

If it is the dark god, I don't really see that the god would be all that fussed about it possibly meaning the end of humanity.

And I don't know - I don't understand why your character would wonder if she was doing the right thing. Isn't saving her friend a good thing to do? Or does she believe in the dark god and that's where the conflict comes from?

The thing with uncertainty plots like that is that if the reader feels that one choice is definitely "right," which seems likely in this case, than it's likely they will be irritated that the character can't seem to decide. Also, when the person re-reads it, those sections can seem tedious and boring, since they already know what the character decides.

It can still be done, though, it's just trickier in my opinion. Those sorts of uncertainty plots are one of my most common frustrations with books in general when badly written, but some of my favorite books revolve around an uncertainty plot that's done well.

Just my two cents. :D
We're all stories in the end.

I think of you as a fairy with a green dress and a flower crown and stuff.
-EternalRain

I think you, @Deanie and I are like the Three Book Nerd Musketeers of YWS.
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Sun Jun 28, 2015 1:00 am
Sureal says...



Does it help with the confusion if I tweak the language I'm using?

"A teenager must rescue her last surviving friend, who has been snatched away by a dark god, despite knowing that doing so would provoke the god into destroying humanity."
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Sun Jun 28, 2015 1:34 am
Mea says...



Ooh, that makes sense. Many thanks.

It does provide a really good reason for her to be torn between choices. Because of that, I think it could work pretty well.
We're all stories in the end.

I think of you as a fairy with a green dress and a flower crown and stuff.
-EternalRain

I think you, @Deanie and I are like the Three Book Nerd Musketeers of YWS.
-bluewaterlily
  








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