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A Hook into the Book



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94 Reviews



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Sun May 03, 2015 9:26 pm
mephistophelesangel says...



The First Knight is born with a permanent lust for blood and mayhem. The Second Knight is allowed no emotion in his eyes, lips empty of any smiles. And the Third Knight owns all the scars from those that came before him, his hair and eyes as pale as a dead man’s bones.

They all had bonded with their swords, and if one side breaks, the other will follow.


So that's at the very beginning of my book. Could you please tell me what you think of it? Would it interest you? Would a reader be able to get a gist of what the book is about?
  





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Tue May 05, 2015 7:34 pm
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Edelweiss says...



Looks like I am the first to post. To answer your question, that would be yes!
It sounds mid-evil, and I am interested in those sort of novels. Now you got me excited to read something that is not written yet!
"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid."

Benjamin Franklin
  





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Tue May 05, 2015 7:58 pm
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Vervain says...



For a bit of basic critique: You switch tenses from present ("is") to past ("had"), so I'd watch for that.

Also, it sounds a bit melodramatic, which weakens it. I probably wouldn't be excited to read something with this in the beginning, because it sounds like every other fantasy or sci-fan book on the market. I'm more interested in your characters and your world than these Knights, and if these Knights are your characters, then why dance around with the prettified fantasy Ye Olde Englishe type of wording?

It doesn't really say much about the book itself at all—I'm unsure if you mean for this to be a blurb (a short summary-esque section setting up the character and conflict, for the reader to absorb outside of the story itself, usually on the back cover or inside flap), or as the actual beginning to your novel. In the former case, I think it could work, because it has a bit of the draw that you want in a blurb; in the latter case, I really don't think it does, because it fails as an introduction to your story.

A hook, ideally, needs at least one of four things to pique a reader's interest: world, character, conflict, or voice. Out of this, I get nothing of the world, nothing of the characters (except for these Knight fellows, who aren't even named and at the most seem like minor characters—the author's chesspieces, pardon the pun), only a small dash of conflict with the last line, and the voice is like so many other fantasy or fantasy-themed novels, opting for the sound of such artists as Tolkien instead of carving out a new niche.

Now, it can be difficult to set up all of these, or even many of them, in the absolute beginning—however, even if you don't have any three of them, unless your story is weak, one should be good enough to catch a reader's eye. In this case, I would say, don't start the reader with telling them about the Knights, but showing them something—you'll have plenty of time to work in information later, and it could potentially be more interesting to discover the conflict along the way instead of spelling some of it out in the very beginning.

I don't think it's too bad to be saved. There's definitely some promise in there, so I'd probably polish it up until you're happy with it, then keep moving—after all, you'll have more drafts in the future to mess around with it. Keep writing!
stay off the faerie paths
  





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Tue May 05, 2015 8:57 pm
mephistophelesangel says...



@AdelVise, thank you! I am so glad that you are interested in it. :D

@Arkhaion, thank you for pointing out what I need to improve on! It will definitely help a lot. I'll take your advice to heart! :)
  








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