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What do you think about this story idea?



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Thu Jan 22, 2015 7:43 pm
justdream says...



I'm wondering what to do with my best developed novel idea. The problem isn't that I'm not interested in writing it but I've got some others ideas that excite me. And I'm completely sure that writing this novel will take really much time (the story demands splitting it into several different parts).

It's a fantasy story called "The Moonlight Rose". OK, this will be hard :D It's set in the world of Elliodren and, more specifically, the kingdom Regel. Everyone wields a certain type of magic. There are "indirect magicians", who practically need an object in order to use their powers, illusionists, skinchangers, "spellers", blood magicians and "gifted" ones. Long ago there were also masters of the elements.

Pre-story
In old times, the masters mentioned above, also known as the Dreamers, started a war (imagine it more like a game of power than epic battles and that sort of things). In order to save her people, the last Mistress of Time cast a spell that figuratively trapped the elements inside a flower (the Moonlight rose) and stopped the war.

The Winged folk that lived during the Old ages, hid in the mountains and the forest Arieleitha. They are immortal creatures, but actually if a child is born, the mother dies (due to some strange experiments with the element of Death during the war). Many of the winged leaders were gone so the most convinient solution was to run away from the humankind.

The actual story
It tells about the times, when the last Mistress of Time's spell weakens. In such circumstances, the Moonlight rose might be used as a weapon. It can redifine the principles of magic and therefore to endanger people's welfare.
Additionally, this sets a part of the elements free so the new masters are born.

The first part of the story (working title "The Whisper of Knowledge") is told from the princess of Regel's POV. Her name is Mira Ellion and she has the gift to understand every language in the world. She has a keen interest in science but is the only heir to the throne. Because of her gift some people doubt her ability to reign.

It all begins when a town (Zhederon) is destroyed by a terroristic attack, or at least it seems so. The queen is absent and Mira has to put on the crown despite her young age (16). She has to become the face of the kingdom, but actually she has no real power - the kingdom is ruled by Zigirun, the prime minister, and the leaders of different organisations (Aliel lesonde, Regel's army; Andu liende, Regel's scientific department; the temples of Death and Life). The situation becomes even more complicated when Dibridius, the Sixth Guardian, comes to the Palace. The Union of the Guardians is an organisation that mainly keeps secrets (about the Old ages and things like that).

Sorry if this is too much information, I just find it difficult to put my thoughts in order.

Then, one night, Mira finds a winged boy in the gardens of the Palace. He(Saindar) has witnessed the destruction of Zhederon while flying. He was desoriented and landed in the gardens, injuring his wings so he is trapped in the Palace just like Mira. Apparently, he is the master of Wind.

After overhearing a conversation, Mira finds out that the Guardians are looking for Saindar, suspecting him to be responsible for the attack. She tries to help him get out of the Palace but fails and he is captured. Then Mira has to sentence him to death and she keeps trying to find a way to help him, believing he's innocent.

Her last chance is a priestess who is told to have the ability to heal every wound. Desperate, Mira asks her friend Toledos to go and find the priestess.

So that's close to the end of "The Whisper of Knowledge". Throughout the story, Mira finds out more and more about the Old times, the Winged folk and especially about her abilities.

The next part is told from Toledos' POV (working title "The Journey of Time").

I'm not going to post it right now because this has become longer than I intended. Please tell me what you honestly think about the idea. It's been a great fun developing the world and writing a part of the story. However, recently I start to think it's a bit clichéd and there are some other ideas I want to develop.

Thank you for sparing some time :)

Justdream
  





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Thu Jan 22, 2015 8:13 pm
Vervain says...



Hello!

First off, one of the issues I have with this—well, it's an issue, but it's not story-breaking—is with your names. You seem to be a little bit all over the place, using a "Standard Fantasy Names" mix of vaguely Latin, vaguely Greek, vaguely Arabic, with a little bit of other things thrown in there. Now, I'm admittedly not a linguist, but as a writer, these names don't feel like they belong together.

You go from the town of Zhederon to the Prime Minister Zigirun, which sound similar and very alien to each other at the same time because of the differences between the sounds—the vowels don't quite match up, and the initial consonant sounds feel weird, to me. Also, the world being Elliodren and Mira's surname being Ellion (and Mira being the only one with a stated surname so far) feels like it's a Mary Sue set-up waiting to happen where she is the bloodline of the world or something.

A few name associations you might want to avoid, too—Regel looks and sounds far too much like "regal"; Toledos is basically Toledo with an S tacked onto the end. I'd suggest doing a Google check on your names every once in a while to make sure that you're not drawing parallels between things you don't want to draw parallels between. And if you do want to draw these parallels, you might want to be a little more subtle about it, because seeing Toledos's name was actually distracting for me.

Also—I can't really judge your story without seeing the prose and the work put into it over an amount of time—it feels like this whole thing is basically a huge build-up. That's not necessarily bad for a first part or first book, but it can definitely feel like nothing's actually happening, people are just sitting around talking about what's happening. The reader doesn't get to see any of this happening, because the viewpoint character is trapped inside the castle and away from all the action—which means that you need to find some kind of storyline to captivate us inside the castle. Otherwise the reader could easily grow bored of Mira discovering her power and all that.

It feels like your point of view is extremely detached from the actual source of conflict right now. This could become interesting if you had a secondary conflict of some sort that became known and was the catalyst for movement in the first part, because as far as I can see, the most conflict you really have is Saindar showing up and Mira overhearing a conversation—not even being involved in the conversation—about Dibridius looking for him. Plot is important, whether it's setting-driven or character-driven or anything-else-driven.
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Thu Jan 22, 2015 9:36 pm
justdream says...



Thank you for the reply!

I hoped that I will be able to make this short but it seems that I must clear up everything. :D

First, the names... Toledos is actually Toledo+s. I had another charachter called Caledon. These are working names and won't stay the same.

Elliodren and Ellion - yes, there is a link, because the world is named after Elliodrei, the last Mistress of Time and she is Mira's ancestor (that becomes clear in the very beginning). Regel's nobility is believed to have Dreamers' blood in their veins.

And, yes, Regel comes from regal. It just sounded ok.

Zhederon and Zigirun... I understand these are strange to you. The sound "zh" is different from "z" (it's between "z" and "sh"). I haven't been writing the story in English.

Zigirun's family name is Dareyla. Toledos just goes with the name of his province - Toledos of Peristeya.

The other names aren't randomly chosen, too. That doesn't mean they'll stay the same. It's not a big deal to rename a character after writing something.

About the rest... This is complicated.

I started writing the story in third POV. The plot wasn't the same, but the main ideas remain. The problem is that I have a lot of characters that are relevant to the story so I wrote about 60K covering just five days of it and all that didn't feel right.

So, my concern isn't Mira's story. (We will get to that later.) Actually, the heroine wich story is of a great importance is Naelin's. She is the niece of Dibridius and is magicless. Her parents die in the second terrorist attack and she and her sister Irael(yes, this name comes from Lirael) have to live with their uncle who they've seen only once before. Then Zigirun takes over Regel and the Union is proclaimed to be illegal. Irael chooses to be the prime minister's right hand, while Naelin joins the Union.

So, the idea...

The Mistress of Life (Alenoira) is the "queen" of the winged women. But the element of Life is passed through life - so while the new Mistress of Life's power grows, Alenoira is dying. She tries to save her life and her folk, but the only way is the new Mistress to be killed. This is one of the reasons why Zhederon was attacked.

Another is that the newborn Master of Time tries to preserve the Moonlight rose but there are more things to it than it seems.

I'm continuing to fail in presenting the story :D

Thanks again for the suggestions! I really appreciate that!
  





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Fri Jan 23, 2015 1:08 am
birk says...



Reading through this, I don't really have any problem with any of the names. Sure, a lot of names have meanings and connections that can prove distracting, but I found none of them here. If you had someone named Steve in there, then it might stick out to me.

Anyhow, despite how I like how broad you are trying to make this world and story, there were a few things that puzzled me. I don't have time to go through the entire plot you've got going on, but there are a few things I could bring up.

Everyone wields a certain type of magic.

So, does this mean absolutely everyone? Every villager, every citizen wields some form of magic? I'm unsure about how this would come across. How would law and order be held? What's stopping Steve the baker from setting fire to Bob the rival baker's bakery? I guess I'd need some more information about how this world works. I'm having a hard time picturing it. Maybe because I don't think I've seen it done before, so I guess that's points to you for originality.

I like your prehistory which seems to be the core of the story, with the whole 'Moonlight Rose' that the Mistress of Time cast on the Dreamers. I like that whole setup of them being this dangerous thing that needs to be hidden away in case someone uses them for evil-doing.

The Winged folk that lived during the Old ages, hid in the mountains and the forest Arieleitha. They are immortal creatures, but actually if a child is born, the mother dies (due to some strange experiments with the element of Death during the war). Many of the winged leaders were gone so the most convinient solution was to run away from the humankind.
This whole part though, reads very confusing. I'm onboard with all these other things, but I have no idea how they play into the story. But you're only giving us a quick glimpse of your story, so we don't know much about them. Again, I like how you're writing a broad story. Wouldn't there be a chance of them dying out though, if all of the females die in childbirth? Over time, there would be quite a decrease of females born.

Because of her gift some people doubt her ability to reign.

This I question. Having the gift to speak every language would greatly aid your diplomacy. In addition, if everyone has some form of magic, why would they question this? Are they all hypocrites?

I'd also agree that your story with the Princess could very well become boring. She's locked in the castle, away from any action. Yeah.

I'd want some more POV's to tell the story.

And don't doubt your writing just because you think it sounds clichè. Just have fun with your writing.
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