Young Writers Society

Hello there!
A problem I get sometimes when I write, and other people too as I have noticed is using the word ''as''.
I tend to use it all the time without noticing it, and probably use it around three times in a paragraph without dialogue.
Examples;

He reached for the surface, as he gasped for air.

As he rode down the path, he noticed a shadowy figure moving behind the trees.

These are examples of when I usually use it.
Therefore, I am wondering about synonyms and other nice ways to build a sentence without making it sound too weird.
I am using ''whilst'', ''while'' and ''when'' to have some variety, but it can get pretty boring with the same words all the time.

Thanks for reading this.

- Zontafer

=D Fun topic!

Replacing 'as' with other words doesn't work. If you want to stop eating Mars bars to cut your chocolate habit, then a Twix will do you no good.

The reason this is a fun topic is because I love sentence structure, and the more unusual the structure, the more I tend to enjoy the writing. It's a great chance to experiment, and the more you do the stranger things you'll find to write about.

Experiment

Rephrase something as many times as you can. This is about being creative (and sometimes silly, too.). An example could be... he tripped as he opened the door.

1. He tripped as he opened the door.
2. As he opened the door he tripped on the carpet.
3. The carpet attacked him on the way through the door.
4. He tripped through the doorway.
5. His shadow loomed in the doorway for one deathly moment; the trip, stumble and thump broke that still atmosphere almost as quickly as the floor broke his pride.

It's worth making note that I had no idea who is coming through the door or why, the surrounding description comes purely because I'm running out of easy options. Remember it's about practice, so do it lots.

Ignore what he's doing.

This one is really easy. You don't need to point out whenever you character looks at something, or notices it, or thinks about it. The fact that you're talking about it must mean that they're aware.

"As he rode down the path, he noticed a shadowy figure moving behind the trees." could easily be changed to "A shadowy figure moved behind the trees". It means the exact same thing.

The only time you need to mention that he noticed is if you need to mention that he noticed, like if he purposely doesn't respond. I don't need to even mention that my above character opened the door, because in the end I decided that the tripping was the important part.

"He thought about the night she left as he poured the cup of tea. As she'd walked out he'd called to her." This would be "He poured the cup of tea. The night she left he'd called to her, and even though she heard she carried on walking anyway."

Change every 'as' to 'QUACK'

The funny thing about "He reached for the surface, as he gasped for air" is that it would be easier to say "He reached for the surface and gasped for air." To me this looks like a bad habit more than anything else.

Another way to break a habit is to use the Replace tool in your word document to change all the 'as' to 'QUACK' and go through editing it out. All of it.

Once you've had a decent amount of practice it'll be easier to shift the habit and eventually you won't even have to think about it.

Hope this helps!

Tenyo wrote:=D Fun topic!

Replacing 'as' with other words doesn't work. If you want to stop eating Mars bars to cut your chocolate habit, then a Twix will do you no good.

The reason this is a fun topic is because I love sentence structure, and the more unusual the structure, the more I tend to enjoy the writing. It's a great chance to experiment, and the more you do the stranger things you'll find to write about.

Experiment

Rephrase something as many times as you can. This is about being creative (and sometimes silly, too.). An example could be... he tripped as he opened the door.

1. He tripped as he opened the door.
2. As he opened the door he tripped on the carpet.
3. The carpet attacked him on the way through the door.
4. He tripped through the doorway.
5. His shadow loomed in the doorway for one deathly moment; the trip, stumble and thump broke that still atmosphere almost as quickly as the floor broke his pride.

It's worth making note that I had no idea who is coming through the door or why, the surrounding description comes purely because I'm running out of easy options. Remember it's about practice, so do it lots.

Ignore what he's doing.

This one is really easy. You don't need to point out whenever you character looks at something, or notices it, or thinks about it. The fact that you're talking about it must mean that they're aware.

"As he rode down the path, he noticed a shadowy figure moving behind the trees." could easily be changed to "A shadowy figure moved behind the trees". It means the exact same thing.

The only time you need to mention that he noticed is if you need to mention that he noticed, like if he purposely doesn't respond. I don't need to even mention that my above character opened the door, because in the end I decided that the tripping was the important part.

"He thought about the night she left as he poured the cup of tea. As she'd walked out he'd called to her." This would be "He poured the cup of tea. The night she left he'd called to her, and even though she heard she carried on walking anyway."

Change every 'as' to 'QUACK'

The funny thing about "He reached for the surface, as he gasped for air" is that it would be easier to say "He reached for the surface and gasped for air." To me this looks like a bad habit more than anything else.

Another way to break a habit is to use the Replace tool in your word document to change all the 'as' to 'QUACK' and go through editing it out. All of it.

Once you've had a decent amount of practice it'll be easier to shift the habit and eventually you won't even have to think about it.

Hope this helps!

Wow! Thanks a lot for the long reply!
You really pointed out some things to me, and I believe that this would help me a lot with getting rid of it. Especially the editing part.

The thing is that I tend to use ''as'' without noticing it, as it(I used it again) is an easy way to finish a sentence.
English isn't my first language, that you may have noticed, so this really helps me building sentences in other ways I really hadn't thought of!

Thanks again!

"As" isn't a way to end a sentence— it's a way to link two sentences together. Therefore, mixing up your sentence structure can do wonders to blend all the ideas into a single sentence. You can also break them up into two sentences, and notice how many "He did this. He did that" sentences you use. That can really help you think of how to make things flow.

When it comes to mixing up sentence structure, you can either blend or expand. From how choppy your sentence look, and how much surface value you place on action, I'd suggest unpacking.

To take one of your examples:

As he rode down the path, he noticed a shadowy figure moving behind the trees.

I'd pump this up into quite the paragraph, such as:

Riding the path was supposed to be normal, but this time it wasn't normal. He looked around, looking at every shadow cast by the late afternoon sun. Normal shadows. Shadows he'd seen a million times before.

Except for the tall, human shaped one moving beside him.

The first one works fine, but it doesn't really create much of an atmosphere. Second one tells us where he is, what he's feeling, and what he's noticing.

You'll also notice "as" indicates things are happening at the same time. "As he [verb] _____, he [verb] ______". That's a general pattern your sentences are following.

By creating a scene, you can cut the word completely out of your vocabulary and remove any need to tell us that "as he did x, y happened" or "y happened as he did x." You don't need to cram as much information into a small space; you can expand the space and improve the quality of your prose as a result.

Rosey Unicorn wrote:"As" isn't a way to end a sentence— it's a way to link two sentences together. Therefore, mixing up your sentence structure can do wonders to blend all the ideas into a single sentence. You can also break them up into two sentences, and notice how many "He did this. He did that" sentences you use. That can really help you think of how to make things flow.

When it comes to mixing up sentence structure, you can either blend or expand. From how choppy your sentence look, and how much surface value you place on action, I'd suggest unpacking.

To take one of your examples:

As he rode down the path, he noticed a shadowy figure moving behind the trees.

I'd pump this up into quite the paragraph, such as:

Riding the path was supposed to be normal, but this time it wasn't normal. He looked around, looking at every shadow cast by the late afternoon sun. Normal shadows. Shadows he'd seen a million times before.

Except for the tall, human shaped one moving beside him.

The first one works fine, but it doesn't really create much of an atmosphere. Second one tells us where he is, what he's feeling, and what he's noticing.

You'll also notice "as" indicates things are happening at the same time. "As he[verb] _____, he [verb] ______". That's a general pattern your sentences are following.

By creating a scene, you can cut the word completely out of your vocabulary and remove any need to tell us that "as he did x, y happened" or "y happened as he did x." You don't need to cram as much information into a small space; you can expand the space and improve the quality of your prose as a result.

Thanks for the reply
I'll try expanding sentences when I am having a hard time to replace a sentence, such as you mentioned above. I looked over a couple of my chapters, and expanded some of the sentences to around three with more details.
Again, thanks for the tip and example, it really helps me in building my sentences in a more advanced way, so I can make the reader more interested.

No problem!

It takes practice to write smooth sentences. A lot of people start off really choppy in their writing, and it's perfectly normal! It's hard to know how to get the words on a page, simply because you want to get them down before they run away.

My suggestion is mostly for editing. The important part is getting words down!

Some articles that might help while you're editing:
English as a non-native speaker/writer
Sentence Structure

Happy writing!

English isn't my first language, that you may have noticed, so this really helps me building sentences in other ways I really hadn't thought of!

I would never have guessed that from this post >.<

Tenyo wrote:

English isn't my first language, that you may have noticed, so this really helps me building sentences in other ways I really hadn't thought of!

I would never have guessed that from this post >.<

Are you ironic now? Haha

Zontafer wrote:

Tenyo wrote:

English isn't my first language, that you may have noticed, so this really helps me building sentences in other ways I really hadn't thought of!

I would never have guessed that from this post >.<

Are you ironic now? Haha

No, honestly, I wouldn't have guessed either.

Like I said, choppy writing at the start is normal. Everybody takes awhile to get into the flow of writing.