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A Toughy



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Mon Apr 10, 2017 4:54 pm
JuliasSneezer says...



Hey, I know this isn't exactly a book question, and I don't usually do this. But you guys are the smartest, most compassionate people that I know, so I figured you guys would have a couple good answers.

So there's this guy I know. And by know, I don't mean that I'm a friend, I mean that he's an acquaintance. He keeps to himself, and is always sad or upset. I recently found out that he has social anxiety, and I want to know how I can reach out to him, seeing as how:

1: I'm a girl, and we're at that age where that's kind of weird.
2: We're only acquaintances, and we don't know each other that well.
3: He shuts everyone out and isn't really friends with anyone. At least not that I know of.

While a couple people may say that I should just let it alone, I really don't like the idea of someone thinking that they don't have anyone, especially not at this fragile sort of age. So... yeah.
"When in doubt, improvise!"
-Winny the woodpecker
  





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Mon Apr 10, 2017 5:27 pm
Kazumi says...



Why do you want to help him?
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Mon Apr 10, 2017 6:17 pm
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KaiTheGreater says...



I have social anxiety, and reading this made me realize that most of the time I don't really give anyone a chance unless I've already decided to like them... But I'm also an introvert so that may not be the same for him. Everyone is different and I can't really speak for anyone else obviously, but for me anyway your best chance would be to just be friendly and sometimes just sit and talk or sit and not talk, and tell me about yourself, and sometimes leave room for me to comment if I want but don't expect much, and make comments about other people in the room, and ask easy yes or no questions- basically just be around while I take my time in deciding you're an okay person, and don't expect too much personal information- although if you tell me something about yourself, I may or may not be tempted to reciprocate. It will probably take longer than you'd like to make a connection, but just because he doesn't respond doesn't mean he's not interested in a friendship. You might also simply state that you'd like to be his friend because you don't like to see people being lonely, but you also don't want to bother him. That usually softens me a bit. ;) Also humor is good. And patience is the most important part.
Formerly DragonLily and RoseAndThorn
  





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Mon Apr 10, 2017 6:35 pm
JuliasSneezer says...



@outvaders I want to help him because no one should ever be alone! There are times when everyone feels like there's no one for them. I've experienced those before, and it's like every day there's another brick weighing down your heart. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Plus, I just like making friends!

@RoseandThorn Thank you so much! That was a SUPER good answer. I'll make sure to keep that in mind next time I see him.
"When in doubt, improvise!"
-Winny the woodpecker
  





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Tue Apr 11, 2017 10:31 am
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Kazumi says...



Ay, ay, I see now. I just want to know why. Sorry if I made myself sound like some heartless cynic. I actually kind of am though.

Anyways, the simple answer is to spend time with him. Well, how do you even get to befriend him if he doesn't feel your presence?

You got to take it nice and slow, however. In this time and age where danger to life is a rarity, people like to erect emotional walls to distance themselves between other people. Only a select group of people close to that person can bypass that wall.

You can break through that wall by simply being with him. But don't go for something grand, though. Keep it nice and simple at first. Like RoseAndThorn said, just "sit and not talk." Or something like that. Being too "grand" may make him fortify those emotional walls more, causing you to be even farther from him than when you started. So just pry at those cracks in his wall for now. The more you just spend time with him, the more those cracks get bigger. Maybe it will take a long time to finally get to be a trusted friend of his, but just keep on going anyway.

However, if you aren't getting to him at all no matter how hard you try, sometimes you have to let go. You have to acknowledge that you cannot help everyone you meet, even if you put your might into all of it. No matter how hard you try, you can't change a person yourself. Only they can allow themselves to be changed. When that happens, I think it's time to hand the reins over to someone else who is more capable and in a better position than you. Perhaps you weren't in a position to help him at all.

I know I ended this on a sad note, but please take both parts of my advice nicely. Also, maybe you can keep us posted?
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Fri Apr 14, 2017 9:21 am
Tenyo says...



I have a few tricks for working with people with social anxieties.

Appreciate them, and yourself. Wanting to make friends because you like to make friends is a good start. It might be a while before you get any fruits from this relationship, so having confidence in yourself and enjoying the process is important.

Remember the symptoms. Social anxiety can sometimes be like a sickness with very real symptoms, like headaches, heart palpitations, sweating, nausea, breathlessness. It can be like having a physical illness, and sheer enthusiasm won't break someone out of that. Things like a glass of water, a cosy chair and plenty of fresh air will make things much more comfortable.

'Are you shy?' is a great question, often followed by 'how come?' Once that's on the table you can indirectly reassure a shy person that you acknowledge their insecurity and that you're not demanding anything from them.

Encourage their ideas. The fear of rejection is a big deal for people with social anxieties, so appreciating their ideas is really important. If they take a long time to put their sentences together then pay attention to what they say because those few words come with a lot of effort.

Keep things simple. Small talk may be boring, but it's easy. It's hard to trigger a cataclysmic event by giving the wrong answer in a conversation about movie genres. An an anxious person is likely to feel overwhelmed just by your presence, so allowing them the mental space to cope will ease them more.

Give multiple choice questions. Social anxiety makes thinking straight really hard, so things like 'would you rather eat beetle soup or fried cricket' are a light hearted way to learn about someone regardless of whether they have the ability to string sentences together.

Take it slow. Those who are socially anxious take longer to warm up to people. Also, if you find out that you have absolutely nothing in common, it means you'll be able to see clearly what level of relationship you're actually able to maintain. Jumping in head first and then realising you actually don't like swimming will have really bad consequences for the other person. It's okay to settle with a friendly 'hi, how's your day,' because even that means having an ally in a world of scary faces.

There are lots of other ways that you'll learn, depending on the person, but I find these to be most useful. Apart from that, try your best to be yourself and remember the enjoyment of getting to know someone new.
We were born to be amazing.
  





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Mon Apr 17, 2017 2:25 pm
JuliasSneezer says...



Thanks, @Outvaders and @Tenyo! I really appreciate the advice. You guys explained it in a way that made it easy to understand. Outvaders, if there's any progress, then I'll let you know!
"When in doubt, improvise!"
-Winny the woodpecker
  





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Mon Apr 17, 2017 2:29 pm
Kazumi says...



Hey, that's no problem. I'll help whenever I can.

*also the only reason I came here is to tell you not the capitalize the "o" in my name kekekek*
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Mon Apr 17, 2017 4:40 pm
JuliasSneezer says...



Got it! ;)
"When in doubt, improvise!"
-Winny the woodpecker
  








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