Young Writers Society

I know you've had those moments. Inspiration strikes--and it strikes with a vengeance. You see colors, shapes, distance, body language, topography; you hear voices and fauna and natural phenomena; you smell and taste what's cooking in the restaurant across the street, and feel the pavement beneath your character's feet as if those shoes belonged to you. You want to share this brilliant vision, and no one blames you for that.

I know you've all had other moments, too--those where you're reading, and the author breaks into a detailed description of a house that had resembled your aunt's before, throwing off your mental images. Sure, now you can see what your author wanted, but the imagery was so much more vibrant before, when it was rooted in your own experiences.

Who's to blame? Whoever teaches us, way back when, that adjectives (and their first cousins, adverbs) are our best friends. Sure, they can help paint a scene--but if you overload your brush, to extend the metaphor, you're going to muck up all the colors and probably obscure a few lines.

This has always been one of my greatest pet peeves--and, appropriately, one of the things that frustrates me most about my own writing. The chapter on adjectives, and the exercises following it, that I found in Noah Lukeman's "The First Five Pages: A Writer's Guide to Staying Out of the Rejection Pile," were godsends.

Lukeman lists six reasons why adjective/adverb-heavy manuscripts generally don't work:

1. More is less. When a string of adjectives or adverbs is used, they detract from each other....

2. It can be demeaning to the reader when the writer fills in every detail for him... [and as] readers, we bring so many of our own associations to the table anyway, we're going to substitute our own picture... no matter how much effort a writer puts into describining it.

3. It is often preferable to leave things blank and force the reader to use his imagination--that way... [he] becomes more fully engaged in the manuscript. He won't set it down if it's his.

4. Writers who overuse adjectives and adverbs tend to use common ones... and the hackneyed result is immediately apparent.

5. Adjectives and adverbs often... weaken their subjects. It is as if the writer were saying... "This noun (or verb) is not strong enough to stand on its own...."

6. Finally, the overall effect of a text encumbered with adjectives, adverbs, and the inevitable commas in between makes for very slow, awkward reading...

Makes sense, non? Of course, even though I saw the sense in this, I was still at a loss as to how I could effectively get rid of the adjectives and adverbs that were weakening my prose, and retain the few that strengthen it. That's where Lukeman's suggested exercise for this chapter comes in handy.

- Remove every adjective and adverb from the first page of your manuscript and list them separately. How many are there? Now read the first page aloud (without the adjectives and adverbs). How does it read? Faster? Are your major ideas still conveyed without them?

- Look at your list of removed adjectives and adverbs. How many are commonplace or cliche? Cross out each one and beside it write down a less expected replacement. Now go back to your first page and insert your replacements. Read it aloud. How does it read now?

[Note from Fand: At this point I actually deviated from his suggestions and instead deleted a vast majority of these weakening adjectives, replacing the ones I'd come up with decent synonyms for.

He also suggests, in a subcategory, that you remove each verb from first page and think of more active, unusual, and vivid synonyms for each, and insert them. Be careful, when doing this, to keep not only denotations but also connotations in mind.

This seemed sensible, so I decided to try it. I'll use a paragraph from an old short story here as an example, and go through each of the steps.

Original:

Nora shifted, folding her legs more comfortably between her body and the wooden slats of the bench. A paperback edition of her favorite Austen lay open and facedown to her right, the cover flapping in the cool October breeze. As fascinating as the topsy-turvy love lives of the Dashwood sisters were, sometimes she preferred escaping her chronic escapism for a while. Instead, she watched as the autumn leaves were propelled sluggishly across the stones, and a golden-coated dog submitted wearily to the ministrations of an overzealous three-year-old; a beautiful young couple, not much older than Nora herself, kissed a few benches down on the other side of the path. Occasionally someone else would walk by—the older gentleman in the blue coat, carrying an umbrella, smiled and nodded to her as he passed; a frowning teenage girl with black fingernails and bright red streaks in her hair didn’t look up, but kicked an acorn, crossing the path when it moved in the wrong direction.

Blah. So, we put Lukeman's first exercise into effect. I'll skip the list of adjectives and adverbs--if you're on this site, hopefully you know what they are right now--and skip right to the version without them.

Sans Adjectives/Adverbs

Nora shifted, folding her legs between her body and the slats of the bench. A copy of Austen lay open and to her right, the cover flapping in the breeze. As as the love lives of the Dashwood sisters were, sometimes she preferred escaping her escapism for a while. Instead, she watched as the leaves were propelled across the stones, and a dog submitted to the ministrations of a three-year-old; a couple, not much older than Nora herself, kissed a few benches down on the other side of the path. Someone else would walk by—the gentleman in the coat, carrying an umbrella, smiled and nodded to her as he passed; a teenage with fingernails and streaks in her hair didn’t look up, but kicked an acorn, crossing the path when it moved in the direction.

This example shows us that it really is necessary to have some adjectives and adverbs--in places it sounds downright absurd (and/or unfinished) without them. So, I inserted a few better ones.

With Adjectives and Adverbs Replaced/Deleted

Nora shifted, tucking her legs between her body and the slats of the bench. A paperback edition of her favorite Austen lay open to her right, the cover fluttering in the October breeze. As fascinating as the love lives of the Dashwood sisters were, sometimes she enjoyed escaping her escapism for a while. Instead, she watched as the leaves were propelled across the stones, and a dog submitted wearily to the ministrations of a three-year-old; a young couple, not much older than Nora herself, kissed a few benches down on the other side of the path. Occasionally someone else would walk by—the older gentleman in the blue coat smiled and nodded to her as he passed; a sullen girl with black fingernails and streaks in her hair didn’t look up, but kicked an acorn, zizagging across the path when it moved in the wrong direction.

Now, obviously, it's still not perfect--but it is a much stronger paragraph. And, as an added bonus, not only will this exercise help you strengthen your work, it will also give you a more coherent idea of what your style is, depending on how many adjectives and adverbs you choose to use, and what they are, etc.

So, there's your daily exercise. Try it out with a paragraph first to get the hang of it, then let loose! Let me know what you think, and if it does your writing any good. ^_^

Fand

Nice work, Fandango! I'll definitely use this in the future, as it's a prob of mine too.

Sometimes i feel as though i'm not using enough adjectives and verbs, especially when i come to YWS because so much of people's work are filled with adjective after adjective, which definately slows down the pace of reading it, especially when i have to look a word up that i don't understand

Good job! I feel much more happier and convinced that my writing is OK without long, subliminal lists of adjectives and verbs

Fand, this article is awesome. I totally agree with all of it. I think it's a common problem that happens to my writing too, and now I have the tools to purge it.

I think I might concoct some form of paragraph later today, then take out the adjectives/adverbs and verbs and replace them/remove them. And see what happens. What a great exercise.

Post this up in the Knowledge Base, yeah? =)

EDIT: Opened up an old story and did this quickly:

Original

Robert hurried along the snow-covered, cobbled street. The cold air made him shiver. He pulled his muffler scarf tighter about his neck. At this time in the evening, the town was mostly empty: only a few others traversed the wintered ground because of the continuous heavy snowfall that clouded the dark air; for the most part he travelled alone. But he had no need for company right now.

Robert was eager to get back to his lodging and before a fire that would warm his frostbitten skin. The weather just mimicked the coldness of his emotions, the deadness of his soul. The emptiness. It had been five months since the accident and he still hadn’t forgiven himself.

Taking out and replacing adjectives/adverbs, changing verbs, switching some sentences and cutting out some stuff I came to this:

New Version

Robert hurried along the street. He shivered in the cold air and pulled his muffler scarf tighter about his neck. At this time in the evening, the town was almost empty, only a few scarce others dared to walk the streets blanketed in snow. For the most part he walked alone, but in his state he had no need for company.

The weather cruelly mimicked the deadness and emptiness of his soul. It had been five months since the accident and he still hadn't forgiven himself. Robert, eager to get back to his private lodging and a warm fire, shrugged the thoughts from his head and took a left down Bakery Lane, a steeper but quicker path.

Some additions, but ignore them: I think the general adjective-taking-out worked pretty well and removed some clumsy, slow sentences.

I believe Lukeman actually supported the idea that, in this process, you should remove some sentence and revamp others, Jacko. And that version is certainly better! I'm glad you guys are finding this helpful.

Also of note: at one point he says that, when editting, you should pretend that someone is going to offer you $100 for every word you can definitively remove from your manuscript. It's a good idea to have in the back of your head.

Ah, Fandness- this is an awesome article! This is a problem I've seen a lot (especially in my own writing )...something definitely to provide a link for in critiques.

When I'm on the computer with my projects on it, I'll try it for myself.

I really like Jack's example, because I remember enjoying that story. But what fascinates me about it is that to the first one, I would say, "Wow, Jack, that's very good," but to the second I would say, "What book is that from?" You conveyed your meaning in the second without overdoing it. e.g. you had said evening already, so why did you need to mention the dark sky?

This is a great article, Fand, thanks for posting it!