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Young Writers Society


Let your Setting Transport Readers



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Gender: Female
Points: 9682
Reviews: 156
Sat Apr 21, 2007 2:01 am
McMourning says...



An important thing to talk about is getting the description just right.

Too little: I walked past an old house, that seemed to call my name.

Too much: I slowly walked past a house that had been around for over 200 years, and had thousands of paint chippings. It's antique feel seemed to yell my name.

Best Choice: I casually strolled past an ancient mansion with paint chippings, that seemed to call out to me.

But, often the amount of description isn't poor, but the way it's presented. I could present that same information to the reader several ways.

1. While I was casually strolling, an ancient mansion--with plenty of paint chippings--seemed to call out to me.

2. I casually strolled past an ancient mansion with plenty of paint chipping off; it seemed to be calling my name.

3. On my casual stroll, I passed an ancient mansion with chips in the paint, that seemed to call out to me.

So, which is best? All work, it just depends on your writing style. Choice number one seems awkward, and number three is a little too verbose for me. Therefore, number two is the best option. Right?

Wrong. Sometimes being verbose or awkward helps set the scene better.

Verbose
While this sentence may be long, it is not a run-on, and gets straight to the point that the cast (of the scene) is a drenched bunch of tourists:
The Iguazu River sped through the winding crevices of the Iguazu falls, splashing the bedazzled, American tourists, and ruining their cameras.

Awkward
While this sentence is choppy from dashes, they work to describe the narrator's confusion during the scene:
My brother, Thomas--or was it Brent?--warned me that I was going to flunk my math assessment....if only I had listened to him...
"One voice can be stronger than a thousand voices, " Captain Kathryn Janeway
  








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