Serves me right, of course, because I'm usually not paying attention, but it did make me think on the matter quite a bit.
So, scenario: I have a friend. Let's call her Angelina Pattycake. I've just taken an excruciating math test, and, as such, I'm fairly tired- leaving my diction in the gutter. No pauses (a.k.a. commas) can be noted in my monotone drawl.
ANGELINA PATTYCAKE: Did you know that starfish regrow their own limbs?
ME: Yeah Angelina Pattycake. Worms can do that and lizards can do that with their uhm tails.
ANGELINA PATTYCAKE: ...can owls do that, as well?
ME: No leave me alone I'm quite tired.
ANGELINA PATTYCAKE: Oh, that's cheap! Owls can't, but- guess what!- starfish can.
ME: I know Angelina Pattycake!
ANGELINA PATTYCAKE: Of course you do, dumbass. I'm sitting right here.
Do you want this to happen to you, an unsuspecting English speaker? Certainly not! How to prevent it?
A QUICK WORD OF CAUTION, IF YOU THINK THAT REAL ARTISTS DON'T USE GRAMMAR:
"Ha, ha, ha!" you laugh, a look of snobbery upon your face. "I've noticed that Roald Dahl sometimes slips on his comma usage, and e.e.cummings sure as heck doesn't use his commas properly- and look how they ended up! Grammar is made up by fussy old English teachers who don't know about real art."
Ha, ha, ha. Wrong. Beep. Sorry, wrong answer.
I hate to read on your parade, but you have to learn the rules before you can break them. I'll tell you here and now, e.e.cummings without commas can be raw and beautiful, but some of you frolicking about in the forums naked and commaless are just a headache.
...that was a burn, wasn't it? Double the ha-has. Now that you're commaless and your nakedness is covered in third-degree burns, let's clean you up a bit.
Here are the three most common slip-ups I've seen- and probably have committed at some point or another
HEY, YOU:
Quick tip, which you may have picked up on from the top- please put a comma after a greeting and before the person's name. Pretty please? With a cherry on top? I know, in real life we tend to talk very fast...but when you're reading a story, a comma acts like a pause mark. Like a rest, if you're a band or orchestra person- so you can sit back, relax, or catch up.
Putting a comma after a greeting- as seen in "Hello, Guvna!" helps your readers to absorb your characters' names.
...you do want your readers to know their names, right?
BRING THEM, TOO:
There's a comma before 'too'. Just so you know.
Also, if you're adding an adverb at the end of the sentence: "Just so you know, really" there should be a comma before that, as well.
Haha, I did it again.
THESE COMMAS WERE MADE FOR CLAUSES:
Do you know what a clause is?
Well, I'll let you in on a little secret- I don't know the exact definition, myself. Yeah, yeah, go ahead, stick gum in my hair, but before you do, allow me to explain.
A clause is pretty much a part of a sentence. Independent clauses rock, but so do dependent.
See the difference? 'Independent clauses rock' could stand by itself as a sentence, but 'but so do dependent' doesn't make any sense.
Got two clauses? Put a comma between them. If you're not sure, or think you have an exception to the rule, consult your style guide.
___
Now that we've rid the world of the most common comma-related pestilence (which my clumsy pinkies have probably helped spread in this very article), here's the fun part. Sort of. As fun as commas can be.
USING COMMAS STYLISTICALLY:
There's only one rule to this.
- It had better sound good.
Use your better judgement. Don't, put, commas, in, willy, nilly, because, you, think, it, is, artistic. It's not. There's a fine line between using grammar to your advantage and strangling and sucking the life out of it with a tragically un-grammar-checked kiss of death. (That's what the squiggly green lines mean, dears.)
Where could you use them?
TALKATIVE CHARACTERS: Here's an instance where you wouldn't use commas at all- with a character who gets a bit long winded or is hysterical:
"Well, I was running, and soon after he started following me and then I started to go faster but he kept catching up and then-"
[Character dies tragically.]
Sounds like they're speaking in tongue twisters, right? This is a cool effect, but please, whatever you do, don't use it in dramatic writing. It's more of a comical thing- people who like their plotlines thick and depressing won't be amused at your witty commandeering of punctuation.
REFLECTING THE WAY REAL PEOPLE SPEAK- IN MODERATION:
Some people take forever to talk.
"Maybe that's what you'd do. Maybe it's not. But if you're that bent on destroying Earth, I'd use more than a squirt gun given the fact that the tiny green people are still here."
The author of this (i.e. me) went 'breathless'- that is, I left out a few commas to reflect the way real people speak. Hmm. This person drawls, though, so how would I reflect that? Use better grammar- and add in an ellipse or two for good measure.
"Maybe, that's what you'd do. Maybe it's not. But, if you're that bent on destroying Earth, I'd use more than a squirt gun, given the fact that...the tiny green people are still here."
See how subtle it is? Readers are pretty keen on this type of thing, though, so they'll pick up on it, and make assumptions about certain characters based on it.
USING COMMAS IN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT:
...be consistant. That's all I've got to say. Don't make your fast talker slow down unless they're under stress, etcetera. Use your best judgment.
That's what a lot of the stylistic stuff is, really- flailing about and seeing what sounds right. There is, as I've said before, a really fine line between good grammatical skewing and what happens to raw eggs when you leave them on the counter for months at a time.
That's what editors are for. Hug a critiquer, would you?
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