Young Writers Society

I have a line. Actually, I have several versions of the same line, I just can't get what I want from it.

1. 'It's the tears most childish that seem to seep...'
2. 'Childish tears seem to seep...'
3. 'Those tears most childishly cried seep...'

The problem is, none of these actually convey what I want. It feels more like they've been through a translator. What I'm looking for is the sentiment of crying over something very juvenile or immature- not that it is a child crying, but that it is an adult being childish in their emotions.

It's a really important point to the poem and I'm having a lot of difficulty finishing without being able to get that right, because the rest kind of hangs around it and well... at the moment it just kind of juts out awkwardly because I can't get the sentiment right XD

I don't mind switching words out or around. There needs to be some aspect of seeping or trickling, and of crying, but the tears themselves don't actually have to be there. In fact if I can get rid of them I'd love to do that, I don't like the imagery it creates.

Any tips or advice on what direction I could go in? Or maybe any other works that I could use as a reference?

Thanks!

Oh, and I've enspoilered the rest of the poem below for the purpose of context, but it's still very much a work in progress so no critique please =] Unless it's relevant to that line/sentiment.

I'm on mobile, so I'll come back later with a longer reply, but: Maybe "childish mourning" or "childish sorrow seems to seep", or replace childish in those with "infant" or "adolescent"?

I think you should go for "These childish tears weep" because it slides nicely into the poems lines, plays with the idea that the "angry red wounds" are seeping pus/whatever but could also be metaphoric and "weeps" is a great metaphor when you're talking through cracks etc. Nice poam!

More detail: you're having trouble with "its the tears most chidish that seem to seep" because 'most childish' is too formally phrased for the language you already are using in the poem. 'Seem to seep' would work if the poem was lighter or you'd already been using silibance or alliteration - i love the sounds but they can seem childish if not surrounded by word play. I think the line as is also has too many words, though it fits the length you're going for. So ends why i think you're having trouble.