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Removing the passive voice



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Wed Apr 19, 2017 9:13 am
LilyRose says...



I am using an editor called 'slick write' to edit my new short story The Recovery (need help sharpening it up, please review if you get a chance) and it is picking up a lot of sentences that are in the passive voice. I have looked up ways to eliminate them but the tips I have found have not been helpful. The sentances I am really struggling on are:
'Her eyes are red from crying earlier.'
'He is supposed to be our father'
'What if she gets the wrong impression and we get sent to a mental asylum with war veterans?'
'“OK,” says the doctor at the end of what seems like hours of questioning for Jo and Alice but could only be the 10 minutes they were allocated.'
'Her eyes are dark with exhaustion'.
'Jo agonizes constantly about her little sister, worries that she is more hurt than she lets on.'
Does anyone have any tips? Or ways to fix the sentences above? Thanks xx
  





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Wed Apr 19, 2017 2:00 pm
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PrincessInk says...



The first sentence, I believe it's perfectly fine to keep it that way. Same thing for the second. You know, you don't have to make every passive sentence active. For example, when you write "This spoon was stolen", keeping it passive may be a good reason so you won't reveal the doer here.

'What if she gets the wrong impression and we get sent to a mental asylum with war veterans?'


If that's dialogue, I think it's fine, but if you want to fix it:

'What if she gets the wrong impression and sends us to a mental asylum with war veterans?'[


'“OK,” says the doctor at the end of what seems like hours of questioning for Jo and Alice but could only be the 10 minutes they were allocated.'


I guess this isn't a passive problem here, but it's too clunky. Break the tag up or people are going to have difficulty here. For example (created on the fly, so I'm not too sure if it's good),

'"OK." The doctor stands up, and Jo and Alice sigh with relief. Even if the examination takes only ten minutes, they feel as if it took hours.'


The last two is okay, I think. Just add an "and" between "sister" and "worries" and you'll be fine.

So the point is, a few, appropriately used passive sentences are fine. Keeping it in active voice is great and should be done most of the time, but for the sentences like "Her eyes are red from crying", just keep it the same. There's no need to fiddle with it, because if you put, "Crying reddens her eyes" it sounds very awkward, doesn't it?
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Wed Apr 19, 2017 7:15 pm
LilyRose says...



Thanks this was really helpful @PrincessInk
Last edited by LilyRose on Thu Apr 20, 2017 10:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Wed Apr 19, 2017 8:18 pm
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Tenyo says...



I checked my knowledge on Passive Sentences and took a look at the original chapter.

'Her eyes are red from crying earlier...' Here I think the issue is that the sentences focuses on the eyes instead of the actual person. You could change it to something like 'she's been crying; her eyes are red,' so that she becomes the subject, rather than her eyeballs.

'He is supposed to be our father...' isn't really a passive sentence, it might have just come up as one because the program recognises 'he' and 'father' as two different things.

'What if she gets the wrong impression and we get sent to a mental asylum with war veterans?' Here we is the subject and should come first. You've changed the order to chronological so it makes more sense which is perfectly fine, so I don't think you need to change this one.

'“OK,” says the doctor at the end of what seems like hours of questioning for Jo and Alice but could only be the 10 minutes they were allocated.'
Who is important in this sentence, the doctor or Jo and Alice? The program is asking you to put Jo and Alice first in the sentence by mentioning that they felt like they had been sitting for hours before the doctor said 'ok', otherwise the focus on the sentence is on the doctor instead of them.

'Her eyes are dark with exhaustion,' again is whether you want to be explaining that she is exhausted, or just her eyes.

'Jo agonizes constantly about her little sister, worries that she is more hurt than she lets on.' This one is a bit more complicated. Technically you've got it right with the order, except that because you've mentioned the sister three times and Jo once which makes it two people and two lots of emotions at the same time. I think with this one you just need to simplify it, maybe break it into two sentences with one describing Jo's worry and the other her sister's hurt.

Passive Sentences are a really tough nugget to figure out, so it's impressive that you're tackling it so vigorously. Generally when approaching the issue, I'd recommend breaking the sentence down and picking out the Subject/Verb/Object and then rebuilding it from there.

It looks like you're on top of this already but if you want a bit more information on the above feel free to tag me =] Also thanks for posting, I needed the refresh.
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Thu Apr 20, 2017 7:07 am
LilyRose says...



Thank you so much you were really helpful @Tenyo
  





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Thu Apr 20, 2017 11:32 am
Tenyo says...



Anytime =]
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