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Would like some critique



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Tue Dec 13, 2016 4:09 pm
shima says...



Hi, I'm new here. Not sure if this is the right forum...but still.


For several years now I have been trying to work on a book (with ups and downs, mostly downs :D ). What I have here is an example of the way I write (and describe) things, sort of a bare bones description. The character described is a god (sort of) and I would like someone to tell me whether or not it is a) a good description b) an original one...


A gigantic, black, round chamber filled with mirrors.
Thousands of them and in every single one is a reflection, a person, a life. Someone’s love, someone’s happiness, someone’s misery. Some of them shine brighter than others and some are broken and distorted. In the middle of the chamber is a pile of various objects. Teddy bears with their heads ripped off, crumpled postcards with the words “I love you” written on the front, ripped tickets to the cinema or an concert. The stuff you give to your loved one for St. Valentine’s day. All this stuff is long gone, thrown away into a trash bin by their owners. Atop this pile of rubble is a chair, constructed from pieces of various boats. The kind that once, very long ago, took you into the tunnel of love on some long forgotten state fair. The kind you maybe visited with your first girlfriend what seems to be decades past. The chair was once covered with purple velvet but that has long since rotten and ripped, leaving only the bare bones that loomed over the room as some kind of horrifying skeleton. A man was sitting in that chair. He was dressed in a black coat, all ripped and torn and full of stitches. The buttons on the coat were replaced with plastic eyes, the kind that you see on teddy bears. His body consisted of a whole variety of flowers, all crushed and pressed together. His arms were made of molten candy and his legs consisted of teddy bear filling. The most interesting part about that man was his head, a gigantic heart and in the place of eyes he had golden rings with the diamonds ripped out of them. The mouth was a silver necklace, with hearts split in two dangling from it, a twisted parody of teeth.
The man was lonely, since he has donated his love to the world. For he was the Love God.
  





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Sun Jan 01, 2017 3:56 pm
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Noelle says...



I've visited this thread many times, but never got around to responding until now. Curse you procrastination

This is most definitely an original idea. Although the idea of "gods of feelings/emotions" has been done many times, I've never heard of anything looking like this. You've taken the rough idea of something and broken it down into specifics. It's written like there's a camera starting at the bottom and slowly going upward until we reach the actual god here. I think that's what helped you stick to the details, show us everything that is in this place.

Is this how you've described it in your novel or is this just how you'd explain it to other people? I'm just wondering because I have some comments about how you could make it better as a description if this is indeed from your writing. Like I said, it's good, but there's always room for improvement :) Just let me know and I'd be happy to come back and help you out.

I can only imagine what the rest of the characters in your book are like. I'm intrigued.
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -- Steven Wright

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Thu Jan 05, 2017 7:24 pm
shima says...



It is more like I would describe to other people. Or the way it would be seen in a collection of stories with some extra information about the universe thrown in - I can't get a example of that in literature right now, but I'm thinking about JK Rowling and her Fantastic Beasts and History of Quidditch books, only if that particular information was relayed to us in the books themselves, as an addition to actual stories.
  





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Fri Jan 06, 2017 11:01 pm
Megrim says...



I think the concept is very original and cool!

The way it's described/written is kind of wordy, though. I generally try to keep paragraphs of description as small as possible, and disperse the details throughout the story. Try making your sentences pull double duty, eg description WITH an action; description AND characterization, etc. You said this isn't really what it would be like in the story itself, so I'm not too worried, but it's something to keep in mind. Even in other contexts, I find I start to glaze over if the text turns into a big long list of facts.

The character, though, I really like.
  





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Sun Sep 03, 2017 12:13 am
MrPhox says...



Its interesting what you describe. That god of emotions seem mostly sad because its alone and maybe rejected.

It would be interesting to know more about his place and what he's suppose to do?
  








“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell