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Harassment/Bullying in writing?



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Fri Aug 26, 2016 1:37 pm
Snazzy says...



Right now, I'm struggling with the idea of writing in bullying in my story. The thing is, I've only ever dealt with the kind of bullying that happens in elementary (pulling someone's chair out from underneath of them, or calling them a "meanie or dumb-face").

The story takes place in a high school, and I'm trying to include a boy bullying a girl. It's a key factor in my novel. The only problem is, I have no idea what the bully's motives are! Plus, is it really that abnormal for a guy to be bullying a girl in high school?

I've been researching the motives of bullying, and all I've found are:
1. bad upbringing in home
2. lack of attention
3. the bully is a victim his/herself
I don't want the guy to bully the girl because he likes her either. I just need the girl to get bullied somehow.

Also, other than physical abuse, what can also be considered as bullying? I've tried using verbal abuse, but I end of using the same 'name-calling' every time I try to write it.

I don't know... Every time I try to write something of the like, it ends up sounding childish (really elementary, to be honest).
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Fri Aug 26, 2016 2:22 pm
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megsug says...



Really, I think we just like bullying has some set reason behind it because if that's not true then we have children who are just being mean for no good reason and how could that be possible?

I think it's actually more likely that kids are just... mean sometimes because being mean can be funny or the victim just rubs the bully the wrong way.

Other forms of bullying are verbally mocking in front of other people, sharing embarrassing photos without the victim's permission. You've got a whole slew of options when you open the door to cyberbullying, and gossip can be more hurtful than you would think.
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Fri Aug 26, 2016 3:08 pm
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Vervain says...



One form of harassment that I found was particularly widespread in high school was making someone a "social outcast" -- you exclude this person from everything you do, especially in a small school that's made up of maybe two or three big social circles that bleed into each other, and they're left out of everything. It makes the person feel like they're not worth anyone paying attention to them, and their own social group is cut down to, pretty much, the other outcasts and fringe of society (who they will NOT necessarily want to interact with by default -- "outcast" is not a defining trait that will make people click). It's pretty depressing.

On top of that, mocking them for their height/weight/appearance is relatively common, too. Especially when it's something they can't change, the victim is left feeling completely helpless and may attempt to take drastic measures to change themselves (or even attempt suicide out of a feeling of hopelessness and lack of self-esteem).

You can point out a kid's awkward way of speaking and phrasing things, or the fact that they've worn the same clothes for the last three years, or that everything they own is from Walmart, or that they're more focused on studying than allotting time for high school parties or dances like homecoming and prom. You can have them be a failure, too, not smart enough to be accepted into a certain social circle, and have the members of that circle make fun of them for it.

Really, you have to figure out where the harasser is coming from socially, what kinds of people he would interact with, and thus it colors how he would taunt and harass his victim.

You see harassment a lot in a classroom setting in media, especially when the teacher is gone, but the truth is that it can happen anywhere. On the bus, at lunch, in after-school programs, outside of school via sites like Facebook or even just in the neighborhood, if they live close enough together. Sometimes it can even travel through well-meaning (or not well-meaning) parents, if their parents know each other and talk often.

Also, yeah, sometimes kids are just mean. People aren't mean for no reason, of course -- they do it to give themselves a better sense of self, to reassure their standing in the social hierarchy, to reaffirm that they're friends with this circle, or even just because they legitimately despise the other person for being different from them.

Still: We can give all the reasons in the book for why someone harasses someone else, but honestly, a lot of it is completely subconscious. My best guess is that it probably stems from treatment by parental figures and observing parents' actions as a young child, so it's not necessarily something that can be "pinpointed" as a teenager or young adult.

Personally, I have been both a victim and a harasser myself, and it's something that I had to grow out of, big time. It was a huge shift in my social understanding as I grew up, and had a lot to do with cutting myself away from people who made my environment toxic. I was harassed by my "friends" for not fitting in quite right with them, as well as by other kids I had known since middle school for not being "pretty enough", and eventually I lashed out in a negative way at people who came to me needing help.

It's a toxic cycle of abuse. I encourage you to do a metric ton of research while writing about it.

On that note, though, a question: You "need" the girl to get bullied? Why is harassment a necessary part of her character arc? Is the whole story centered on harassment and recovery from it, or is it a side note or something that's dropped at the beginning?
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Fri Aug 26, 2016 3:24 pm
Snazzy says...



Yes, one of the main reasons I need the girl to get bullied, is that the story is centered on recovering (not just from harassment, although it's an important factor to it).

(Thank you both for all the advice!)
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Fri Aug 26, 2016 5:09 pm
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Holysocks says...



Sometimes bullies don't even know they're being a bully. Two of my bestest friends used to talk me down to build themselves up-- but I really don't think they meant it. The issue has always been intelligence; we were all homeschooled, and learned different things at different times.

Also if you're in a group, you're more likely to make comments about people and act bullish- I've found. One time I was given a paper to read up on in my rapier practice, about the group, and my friends started reading it with me. Well we started snickering about bits how they were worded and such, and eventually got really loud. I was a little uncomfortable, but I had noted that the author wasn't there that day and continued with the rest of them. Eventually, one of the older ladies came over and said that she had wrote it. We all turned completely pale. She was good humoured about it but there you go. You don't have to mean to be mean to be mean. ;) SO the harassment doesn't even have to be to her face, it can be little comments she over hears. The harrasser maybe dislikes her ever so slightly because maybe she seems stuck up to him, and he might mention it to his friends, and they might joke. They might even harrass him saying that he likes her, and that might turn him even further against her. "You like so-en-so" harassment can be SUCH a pain and an embarrassing thing.
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Mon Aug 29, 2016 2:23 pm
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Lightsong says...



Well, I'll contribute some cultural fact gained from experience.

In my country, boys bullying girls physically are rarely heard, and it is likely because of the fact that even the merest skin contact between the genders are frowned upon. If you see a boy holding a girl's hand, there's a high chance they are a couple of lovers, and even then, you won't be seeing those moments much. The way relationship and dating is handle here is pretty moderate.

Since physical bullying is out, verbal abuse is the other option to bully a girl. Now, when it comes to bullying, an image that comes to mind is someone beating other with his fist. However, the scope of bullying is wider than that. I wasn't even aware I was bullied mentally by the girls in primary school until someone pointed it up to me (which is still embarrassing). When a girl is comfortable surrounded by boys (and vice versa) verbal bullying is the likeliest type of harassment that can happen to her.

Just as a punch to the stomach would leave you hurt, words can do the same. So undermining someone, spreading slanders, giving that person bad reputation, and even persuading that person's friend to betray him and her are examples of bullying that don't require physical attacks. I recommend you to watch D.U.F.F. movie. The female protagonist is no way bullied physically, but she does get humiliated and talked down to and ignored.

And that is all! Hope this helps! :D
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Mon Aug 29, 2016 3:52 pm
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Rosendorn says...



Mind if I ask what, exactly, the recovery arc is supposed to accomplish? Sometimes it's easier to reverse engineer these types of things, where you create the scars then figure out how the scars got there.
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Tue Aug 30, 2016 12:01 pm
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Snazzy says...



The recovery arc is supposed to 'mold' the main character into what she was before anything had happened to her (not just the harassment, but also previous personal events from her childhood). Basically to make her happy to be living.
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Tue Aug 30, 2016 1:12 pm
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Vervain says...



Okay, so this is a cute sentiment, but I have to mention:

After living through traumatic events and things like harassment, and especially trauma that happened in childhood, there is no way your MC is going to be what she was before anything happened. Not only is she much older now, but trauma leaves literal scars on the brain, and scars don't heal.

Don't get me wrong - recovery from trauma is a valiant message. But it shouldn't be done in the way of "complete recovery", no matter how much we may wish that was possible. Recovery can be as complete as it will ever be, and the imprints of trauma will still be there in a way.

Learning to live with that is the hardest part for me, as a victim of childhood, adolescent, and early adulthood harassment and emotional abuse.
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Tue Aug 30, 2016 3:41 pm
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Rosendorn says...



Seconding Lareine. Recovery doesn't work like that.

The first thing you have to understand is even happy events change us. I was not the same person before and after seeing one of my best friends for the first time, for example. Whenever people talk about "phase" like it's a bad thing, I reply "show me a permanent state of self." We are never, ever the same people, and if we are the same people, we're doing something wrong.

You can be happy and be living and still have deep scars, like PTSD. Developmental trauma— before you reach the age of 25— can rewire your brain in a single event even if nothing else happened. Trauma and scars and changing as a result of trauma isn't an inherently bad thing, and you have got to realize that you can accomplish your result of showing her be happy and living while she still has all the old whispers that tormented her in high school playing in the background. Those voices never go away, as sourced by basically everyone reputable I've read in psych literature (to quote The Princess Bride, "everyone who says otherwise is selling something.")

"Recovery" is not the same as "getting better." Recovery is learning to accept what happened to you, learning to own it (while also placing blame where required— you were bullied because the bullies didn't like you, not because you were unlikable), and building a future on top of the past. It's learning to accept that sometimes you changed for the better (which you can hate, because you could wish you'd gotten the good qualities of your personality without all the pain of bullying), but also that you changed for the worse (which you can also hate, because you wish you didn't have those things from bullying).

To frame it in a slightly starker context, bullying is abuse. Abuse leaves wounds on people and changes them. There's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't mean they're broken. It means they've been abused.

You have to break the link between "scarred" and "broken." The very virtue of scars means they healed.
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Tue Aug 30, 2016 5:01 pm
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heath says...



i'm going to have to third that sentiment. i was more or less ignored and an outcast in elementary school and the friend i did have was on-and-off all the time; because of that, my brain is always prepared for all my friends to drop me or something like that and to be sent sprawling back into social limbo, and due to that feeling i have a lot of trouble trusting and bonding with people. the main character might finally come to an understanding with or escape the bully, but she might still brace herself before turning on her phone just in case there are harassing texts or stiffen and put her head down when she sees him in the hallways.
Last edited by heath on Thu Sep 01, 2016 7:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Wed Aug 31, 2016 4:13 pm
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Rosendorn says...



And just to add onto that example, I have a very similar experience to heath and I still feel that way, over ten years after the fact. While it's gotten quieter, and I don't freak out about it as much, I still have that fear and I'm in my 20s.

I've learned a whole bunch of coping strategies to quiet that voice, to reassure myself it's my past and my brain is lying to me. I've also learned what friendship even means (I got lucky I started finding real friends in my late teens), and what to expect from different "types" of friends. It was a lot of work in unlearning what I had assumed would be the rest of my life, and in a sense a lot of luck. I found outlets, I learned where sometimes I was the problem (which doesn't make me a bad person— another thing I had to learn; misunderstandings happen and they're unavoidable when working with two different people), and I learned how to, generally, be a better friend and find better friends.

That's what recovery looks like. It's taking your experience, sorting everything out, learning when to yell at your brain to shut up, learning that sometimes you didn't help the situation (but that doesn't mean the people who were mean to you are right), and learning how to be okay with the constant mixtape in the background. I'll be honest and say I'm not always okay with the constant mixtape in the background and it's a sometimes daily fight when I'm stressed out.

You get better at handling all the stuff your brain tells you, but it's rare for it to "get better" in the way people think of getting better. It improves but it doesn't go away. It can be "okay" when you're still in a dangerous situation and flare up once you're safe in a place where friendship is less conditional and you actually have better friends, but you don't believe you do (however, the fact they are better friends is the only reason it's flaring up— you know you can finally feel emotion you'd stuffed down).

Hope that gives you some ideas for what your recovery plot could look like. It's still a good plot— your end result is the only thing that needs updating. I'd love to read a story where the person recovered, still dealt with the events, but was happy despite it. More stories need that.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  








“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell